8 epic things

So apparently,  I can't take a long vacation from blogging.  YIKES.  For some reason I'm your form of entertainment, you all need to start watching reality TV it might not be entertaining but it sure keeps occupied!  I apologize.  I will have to start thinking of things to write about, because frankly my life is not that exciting. 

This whole working full time sure drains the heck out of me.  No wonder why my parents, when growing up, would come home and ask for 30 minutes of peace and quiet (which rarely happened).  In school I was able to study from 8am-12am (yep I was tired) but I managed, after 8 hours of work I have to come home nap for 20 min, question if I really want to cook because that would be expending far too much energy or just heat up something quick, study, then go to bed.  This whole being an adult thing is not fun (and don't get me started on paying bills), kids enjoy your youth there should be NO HURRY to rush into being an adult, trust me.  I'm actually questioning finding another degree I can go to school for, you don't have to pay back student loans if you die so my theory is, if I keep going back to school and earning degrees till I'm 80 I will be ok. 

So while being harassed for the past month on not updating from every outlet of my life I was told by someone, "you can't think of anything to write, heck I can come up with 8 epic things you can write about." So here it goes, hopefully they are epic, I don't think so.

1) Tailgating: I went back to God's country (Iowa) for the IOWA VS. Northwestern game.   I was very excited for this because it was the first and probably only Iowa game I would make this year and for the past ummm 10 years of my life I've managed to go to at least half of Iowa's games.  So naturally, being ecstatic to be in God's country and at Kinnick I celebrated.  My sister may tell you I celebrated too much, that is up for debate.  My parent's friends rented a sweet 'MAN CAVE' RV for the game which included 10 TV's, 3 kegs and a full bar, topped off with food.  Who wouldn't celebrate!  While tailgating for 11 hours I managed to have a complete college reunion filled with my college roommates and closest friends.  That of course led to things getting out of hand.  Which ultimately led to me 'catching a ride' jumping on the back of Norm Parker's (Iowa defensive coach) golf cart.  At least we shared a good laughed!

2) After taking a week to recover from the previous weekend.  I went back home to write the biggest check I've ever written (true fact I had to google how to write out the check).  Since I'm up here in the frozen tundra not known as God's country as is Iowa without close friends and family  I was worried about getting around in winter.  I currently had two semi reliable vehicles that could both be put together could possibly make the winter without a concern. However, that could not be done and it was Brian and I's plan from the day we were married that when I was finished with school and had a job we would replace my 18 year old car with something made in the modern era (HA). Brian's car has had major issues over the past year, so  I decided to condense vehicles and purchase something that will last me 12 years without major problems, and will get me to work in the coldest of snow days this winter.  So I purchased this beauty...and although the salesmen and my family hated me it is a dream. 

source

I've already taken it to the desert! That's a lie.

That day I took my family to every lot in Cedar Rapids and made them sit in every car and after immediately ruling out the options I ended up back at Toyota (to debate with myself for another hour about purchasing this) to finally say YES to the car at approximately 8pm when they closed 3 hours before.  However, if anyone knows me  I don't jump into things, so 4 weeks of online research, literature research, and test driving  I said yes (before the salesman hit his head again against the wall).

3) LOTTERY: 

If for a mere second you thought I won the lottery, don't worry in my head I already have.  With the powerball blazing hot I decided to drive to small Wisconsin towns and buy lottery tickets (small,random towns always sell winners).  I have yet to win, but I've already (hypothetical) spent my money.  I will for sure be opening a super target in Milwaukee, followed by a super Hy-Vee (maybe that first), then I will be opening a brewery in West Des Moines at a location I already have picked out (I told you my life is not that exciting that I have time to plan this out).  Well the most extravagant thing to come out of my lottery journey was the pumpkin pie blizzard at DQ that I devoured. Winner?!

4) I'm running out of epic things (whoever said 8 grand things happened to me they can't count). 

5) Studying.  I've done a lot of studying lately.  In fact, I wake up, work, nap, eat, study and then just go ahead and repeat 5days a week.  However, I finished one class I'm taking this semester yesterday so one down one to go and then I'm really excited to start reading PT journals that have been stacked on my desk.  Perhaps, being enrolled in school for the rest of my life isn't a bad idea.

6) Two Friday's ago, I literally started 3 for 3 on patients trying to set me up with their grandson and/or son. It can't be a good sign when your elderly patients try to start up a speed dating session for you on the ward.  I'm not sure if it  was worse one of them was middle aged (no offense people I'm just half that age) or that one I'm not sure is old enough to drink let alone possibly vote.  Since, that didn't end well my first patient after lunch that day (who parks cars at Miller Park for the Brewers) told me had a nice ballplayer he thought I would work well for.  YEP, I'm on the top of all PRO athlete's radar, NOT.  I gave a chuckle, and said thanks, then went out and asked the nurse for a psych consult (JK). 

7) I was able to squeeze in one youth hockey game before my weekends are full and I can't go.  :(  I've really grown accustomed to the hockey scene and have even thought about marketing a Rosetta Stone edition for Hockey (it has its own language unless you are in the group you wouldn't know).  HA. I would lie if I didn't tell you I've thought about hanging out at the local rink as currently my life encompasses hanging out out with mostly people of medicare age. 

8) Check off another big ten stadium for this girl.  This weekend I met my parents, sister, and a friend from Des Moines at Camp Randal home of the fighting Badgers.  It is much nicer to take in the sites and traditions of another school when your team isn't playing them and you feel neutral.  I was the lone solider to wear Iowa clothes at the WI game, however, it was quite the conversation starter and by the end of the game my name was "Iowa".  I'm pretty sure the "jump around" tradition was developed in a mid November game when it was freezing cold and the students thought if they jumped around they would get warm...because it worked yesterday. 

These women clearly were jealous of my Iowa coat and socks!

Hopefully, you can all rest easy and your universe is back in balance now. 

social hour

Day 2 went well.  I wish I could see the money I made for the past two days, because I'm pretty excited to have an income!

Today I met a very nice lady at HR training which was a Godsend.  I guess all things happen for a reason...so I suppose all the traffic lights going out on my way to work making my 5-8 min ride to work now 25 min making me 3 minutes late was on purpose.  I got to sit next to her and as we visited we learned that we have very similar stories.  Her husband too, passed away from cancer young (not as young as Brian but young).  We talked about our stories and how we both are learning to deal and move on.  It was a relief because she consoled me on my decision to pick up and move and start over.  Although, her situation didn't allow her to change cities she changed jobs that helped guide her in healing, something I wish I can get from this experience. 

I have officially decided that running outside is like playing a game of frogger.  Dodging traffic and BIG dogs due to the lack of sidewalks I guess adds an extra element to working out....brief periods of intense cardio.  I did find one neighborhood close to mine that has a sidewalk....apparently this is where everyone goes because there were like 20 people walking around the small block, while reading books.  Walking is hard enough for me let alone adding an additional task of reading.   YIKES.

I haven't ventured out a lot yet, mostly due to my lack of time.  My classes are keeping pretty much nestled in my desk at home and work wears me out! Sadly, I will be home the next few weekends so I'm not sure when I will explore.  I'm taking applications for personal tour guides!

Day 1 of being a real functioning adult: complete

Well I have officially settled into my new home, in my new city, and my new job.  That is a lot of new.  I'm wondering what is old in my life?

I  seem to be struggling with the typical things of being in a new city.  For instance, I can't leave my house without a CHARGED Garmin.  UGH.  Just as I think I got the roads figured out I end up on the complete opposite side of town  of where I intended to go.  For some reason the opposite side of town I end up at is next to the Brewer's stadium, perhaps that is a sign for me to go to a game.  The first 15 minutes I was actually alone I realized my sister forgot some things so I met my family half way to return them.  On my way home I thought I left my cell phone in their car so I quickly pulled over to use a pay phone. Yep, a pay phone.  Sadly, I didn't know how to use the pay phone- does the money go in first and you dial or do you dial and then put money in?  This could have been much easier to figure out had the pay phone instructions not been in Spanish.  I wasn't sure how much a pay phone costs, but I figured if Mexico was $.50 then the U.S. had to be less. HA!  I finally got through to my parents after we got over the initial concern why I was calling from a pay phone (I called the exact moment my dad expressed concern about me living here), in a part of town I probably shouldn't be in by myself, we found my cellular device.  Also, my new town should publish a map of all exit/entrance ramps closed on all major highways due to construction, because every ONE I try to use is closed, hence why I'm constantly lost. Furthermore, there is NO super target's in MILWAUKEE. WHAT?  Is that legal? I thought super targets had to be in all areas heavily populated.  YIKES!  I miss Hy-Vee (for those of you not from Iowa, it is the GREATEST grocery story ever).  The local Pick n' Save I would say is a few notches below the friendly smile in every aisle that Hy-Vee offers.  Finally, sidewalks.  Are these just a luxury in Iowa?  Today on my run around my neighborhood I had the pleasure of dodging traffic on the street due to NO SIDEWALKS ANYWHERE.  I'm not sure on the Wisconsin rule of walking on the grass through people's front yard since they don't have sidewalks and the last thing I want is to be trampled by a crazy Packer fan.

Today was day 1 of being a true adult (true adult being I have a real job earning real money with real benefits).  I sat in HR meetings all day, which was enough to make me take a nap tonight.  :)  Tomorrow, more HR, so probably another nap at night.  I'm pretty excited to officially start working with patients as well as meet some co-workers so I have something to look forward to at night other then indulging in a little finance and economic reading for my MHA.

In other news, more JTARMD bands have been ordered due to high demand.  Bad news, they are on back order from Japan.   The latest celebrity Iowan to be sporting these stylish bands is:

Yep, that is PGA golfer and Master winner Zach Johnson.  

Fun fact, Brian won $500 placing a sports bet on him to win the Masters in Vegas.  

Next on the list of JTARMD band wearers is someone from the Cub's,  or Theriot (who formerly played for the Cubbies and was Brian's favorite player.) 

**If you would like a band please email justtryandruinmyday@gmail.com or on the right side of the blog hit donate now to place an order. Bands are $5.  

If you need me, you can find me driving around the streets trying to find my way home!

running circles

Have you ever been to a track meet and watch the 3000m race?  I would watch that thinking those people are crazy just running circle after circle.  Well that is how I feel the past month.  I feel like I have been running endless circles that consist of eat, study, sleep, repeat. 

I guess as endless as the past month seemed my circles of running studying has paid off.  I'm officially a licensed physical therapist in the state of Iowa (now to get my license in Wisconsin)!  I took boards September 7 and wow I don't want to do that again.  Three long, trying, hard years has finally coming to an end.  THANK GOODNESS!!! 

During the past month I literally woke up, rode my bike to the library, studied, came home for dinner, studied, then went to bed.  FREE AT LAST....so I thought.  During that time I resumed my master's classes and found ways to squeak by each week doing the bear minimum work, which now means catch up!  So in what I thought could be a rest really turned into hard core reading and catching up.  :(  Luckily I was able to squeeze in a test this AM before the Hawkeye Win!

In other news, I found a place to live when I move.  One thing that has been a struggle and something I guess I have to learn to deal with is making decisions completely on my own and learning that I have to do everything on my own.  First,  trying to find a place to live was a huge WEIGHT on me.  There were so many decisions that it was just difficult.  This is the first time in my life where I can make decisions without taking into account someone else's opinion or doing something that is best for the future of the family.  UGH!  I hate making decisions on my own.  There for some reason is assurance having a partner to help you make big choices you find comfort in knowing there is someone to fall back on.  That comfort isn't there anymore and that could be one of the scariest things about this move.  Second, in the past month life just seemed to be one big stressor.  Between worrying about my board exam, finding a job, finding a place to live, planning a move, taking master's classes, packing, saying good-bye my plate just felt overloaded and there was no one there to take just a little piece of that load off.  One thing Brian was good at was recognizing (well listening to me break down) when I was stressed and finding way's to make life a little simpler for me.  He would unload the dishwasher, pick up the house, do laundry, run my errands, make dinner, scrap my car off in winter.  To me it was a lighter load (I'm sure to him it was a way to keep my nagging down so he could watch football in peace), but it made a difference.  I could tell this past month how much Brian did for me to take things off my plate.  Little things that seem easy are like mountains when I'm stressed.  Who knew having someone unload a dishwasher or put clothes in the washer made life easy when I have a hundred balls in the air trying to juggle them all.

I spent one weekend looking at housing and left with no clue what to do.  I decided I just needed a break and needed to focus on school and worry about it later...I told myself it would work out somehow.  Everyday I would crunch numbers, make pro/con lists, look up crime statistics  but could not decide.  What is funny, I woke up the morning of Iowa's first game with this feeling in my stomach.  All weekend I couldn't escape it and the only thing that came to my head was to call this one complex I had looked at.  So Ion Sunday morning I called them and asked about the place I had viewed, which had now been rented out.  However, I asked if they had anything at all open and the lady told me about a unit that just opened up.  I looked at it on-line, thought about it, called the police about it (don't worry it is safe), and decided it had everything I needed.  I had no clue what to do for housing and I know Brian lead me to this place.  It s a big relief to know I'm going somewhere that he has picked out for me. 

Now onto the big challenge, packing!  This week between catch up for school I get to pack, pack, and pack.  I think Friday is my official move date YAY!  I'm very excited to have a new place on my own in a new city on a new adventure.  I'm kind of scared going somewhere by myself but I think it is what I need to do to move on with life. 

This will be a  hard week saying good-bye to everyone who has been there the past year in Des Moines.  SIGH. 

Hopefully, nothing to extreme has gone on, on your end. 

By the way, I think we can chalk up that 4th quarter W to someone up above!

What a WEEK!

Well I for sure had thought/planned to be back on here Sunday night, but life has been a big whirlwind the past week.  Seriously, so much has gone on that I think I need a day of rest.

So without further a-due my weekend consisted of this:

Friday, a friend from school and I went to Kansas City to see Brian's dream.  We went to the Chiefs pre-season game vs. Buccaneers.  Brian was an avid Chiefs fan and thrilled last year when they drafted a former Hawkeye Tony Moeaki.  This year, the same weekend of what would have been his one year anniversary starting chemo, the Chiefs drafted former Iowa QB STANZI.  I can't help but think he had some strings to pull for this to happen.  When my friend and I saw this game we knew it was a must see.  We knew since it was pre-season Stanzi would be playing but also another former Hawk player started for the Buccaneers, Clayborn.  So after devouring some KC BBQ we headed to the stadium and enjoyed prime seats on the 50 yard line.  Unfortunately, I sat next to a Missouri fan who still had some bitter feelings regarding the bowl game.  All in all it was very fun to see Stanzi out their in red playing for Brian's Chiefs.

In an effort to cram as much stuff in as possible in a weekend, we drove home after the game and got home late.  After a few hours of sleep, I turned around and headed to the IOWA STATE FAIR.  Fun fact, first time- I remember, my parents claim I have been as a kid.  I really don't understand the HUGE hype about the state fair but for some reason Iowan's love themselves some state fair.  I don't want to be a downer but once you have walked through one row of pigs the rest of the rows look the same!  A major attraction of the state fair is the amount of deep fat fried food on a stick a person can stuff in their mouth.  To bad I try to avoid a lot of deep fat fried food.  I did snack on a few bites of my sister's funnel cake and indulged in some ribbon fries (I only got them because Brian LOVED, LOVED them).  He would talk about going to festivals with his family as a kid and always eating them ( I think b/c he could pile on massive amounts of ketchup).  For a late night snack I took home a giant pretzel, which was my favorite, and not fried!  I avoided the butter on a stick, fried oreos, and twinkies.  WINNING!

By Sunday I was so exhausted that my body crashed.  No joke, I slept till 2 pm. AHHH!  Very bad because I had a lot of catching up on studying but so good because I was so tired.  However, no time for studying because I had to pack for a very unexpected trip on Monday.  By the way I'm keeping the economy alive with one tank of gas at a time!

Well my whirl wind week continued with a trip to Milwaukee, Wi.  The purpose of this trip was a complete blessing and answered prayer.  I applied for a job Thursday night, received a callback for interview Friday morning, and interviewed mon/tues.  By Wed. I had a job offer!  So I'm going to be a resident of Wisconsin! I'm very excited at this opportunity and I feel like it was just meant to be.  I think starting over in a new city with a new job/career will be the perfect thing for me.  Just as I was starting to get stressed out about not having a job and having no clue what I was going to do with my life this fell into my lap.  Last week I was having mini melt-downs while studying and I kept having to calm myself down and pray.  I kept saying, "come on Lord I have been pretty patient this year but my anxiety is getting to be a lot can you help me out."  I applied and not even 12 hours later had an interview and not even 4 days later a job.  Answered prayers!  Don't worry the bitter feeling from last year's Iowa/WI game will hold me back from becoming a badger fan!  I'm very excited at this opportunity because I know the place I will be working will provide me a lot a learning opportunities to help me advance my career.

Next step, pass boards!  Throw up as many prayers as you can those go well and that I can sit down and focus on studying.  I haven't done much for the past week so now I have a lot of catching up to do! YIKES.

I hope everyone else has had just of exciting week as I have.  I can't wait to share my adventures in Milwaukee.

When life hands you hops...tour a brewery

So how do you like the new design?  Classy, simple, but true to the  black and gold!

Well I have been hitting the books hard, still finding ways to distract myself, becoming very tired of studying.  I just WANT to be done.  Oh by the way I start up classes again for my Master's in two weeks.  I'm crazy.  I officially got scheduled to take my PT licensure exam on Sept. 7th.  No pressure!  Now, if a single place I've applied to will call me back.  I feel that I have been patient enough the past year, can a job please open up!

This weekend I once again headed north to the Twin Cities.  Are you noticing the trend?  I have decided to call myself a hockey mom in training (HMIT).

I have completely fallen head over heels in love with hockey.   It is the perfect game for someone like me who has trouble sitting still for more then a few minutes and is easily distracted.  The fact there is nothing but fast paced action constantly is enough to keep  anyone with ADHD focused.  Furthermore, what is more fun then sipping a cold beverage (while freezing from the ice arena) snuggled in warm clothes and yelling/cheering when someone is checked into the boards?  Although, there are no cold beverages served at AAA (little league of hockey) games they are still fun to watch.  Things are getting exciting because it is as if the gears started turning and kids are fully understanding the game (not that I have a single clue about the game).  The pace is picking up, kids are in the box, goals are being scored by sweet moves such as back handed, AWESOME.  I need to learn more so I can expand my cheering vocabulary to something other then "skate".  I'm sure I'm very embarrassing.  I will say one thing I don't enjoy about hockey is the early games.  REALLY, who wants to play/watch hockey at 7 am, especially when there was a really good live band the night before? Good thing one can just throw on sweat pants a nice hoodie and cover up ;) !

So taking pictures of hockey requires a lens with a SUPER fast shutter...these were way better when I first pushed the button :)

So the GRAND story you are all waiting for....HOPS and Brewery!  Well on my magnificent drive to the cities (actually Baldwin Wisconsin)  a wonderful truck driver was nice enough to kick up a rock and hit the top of my windshield.  At first there was nothing, and I swiped the sweat from my head and took two deep breaths, because that was close.  However, right about the IA/MN boarder after hearing/singing Ace A BASE "I saw the sign" (random fact: that was my first CD with my first CD Player HOLLA) for the SECOND, yes I sang it more then once Northern Iowans really like that song, I saw the sign.  I turned my head...of course jamming to the beat...and out of the corner of my eye I saw something.  I investigated further to watch with my own eyes my windshield start cracking, further and further, spider webbing out.  AWESOME! I kept driving trying to devise a plan and decided I would make it the rest of the drive and get it fix in the AM.  So I continued my drive and signing and car dancing.  In the morning I started calling all auto glass places in the western side of WI hoping not to drive and hour in a half into the Cities (although I did that like, um, 3 times that weekend).  Well just as luck would have it, the only place (IN WISCONSIN) to have a windshield for my car was in Chippewa Falls.  Unfortunately I had to drive 30 min further east but THANKFULLY I put two and two together and realized Chippewa Falls was home to THIS:

LINENKUGEL's Brewry. YUM!  Not the best picture but I had a limited time to take the picture....I guess copyright reasons in case I were to sell it to a competitor!

So when I dropped my car off I studied for a little bit at a bar next door, until a homeless man was harassing me about a ride even further east or $50,  so I continued down main street till I found a coffee shop....that sold Line's.  After partaking in a little studying and a little Line action it was then time to do a little BREW TEW! So I headed down and took a few tours.  Highly recommend tour, I literally could touch the sweat beads coming off the cans of summer shandy as they come off the line. SO COOL, but they don't let you take them off the line, YEP THAT WAS ASKED! 

After the tour (S) I helped myself to a little of this:

Even cooler, they had drink recipes for their beers.  So I mixed and matched beers together to create many tasty drinks (perhaps too tasty ;) )

The boys did a little of this:

oh and Rootbeer sampling.  

After a 'few' samples it was time for some WI fried cheese and onion rings. YUMMY, now I need to double my 'G' of GTL.  With a stomach full of delicious fried cheese I headed off to the Cities to meet up with a former co-worker of Brian's.  We shared drinks at a sweet little bar called sweeny's. It was a prefect night on the patio filled with numerous stories (many were one's Brian failed to mention, but that is ok, I would have LOST IT if I knew that when I was away on an internship the living room turned into his man cave filled with clothes strung about, plates, cups, and food).  

When Sunday rolled around and after a 7 am game I was just exhausted.  To keep my eyes open I made a stop at the outlet mall.  I can't resist gap outlet and it was SALE DAY.  My favorite way to shop, true fact I have never boughten anything full price.  If there is no sale I tell myself it was not meant to be.  Thankfully, there was a lot to be on Sunday and I even had an additional 20% of coupon. LOVE IT.  I picked up some new shirts for IOWA games, you know when it is somewhat chilly but not sweatshirt worthy.  I made it home Sunday afternoon in time to find my bed and shower....and stayed in bed till um Monday afternoon.  YIKES!  I guess I was tired.  

Hopefully, changes are good.  I think it has made me happy...if only a job could pop up!  This weekend has in store something SUPER, UBER, DUPER, exciting.  So exciting I know BRIAN is FREAKING OUT!  I will hold you in suspense but it is AMMMMMAAAAAZZZZINNNNNGGG!

CHCHCHCHCh CHANGES!

Well last week in my dire need to sit and study and my excellent skills in finding other things to do then study I realized I have completely, unintentionally, forgot to  check my email for the blog. OOPS.  I guess I wont be receiving any blog awards anytime soon! ;).  In between cooking (my other distraction from studying- Maytag blue cheese steaks with a beef balsamic reduction sauce served with rosemary grilled sweetcorn, and garlic chive goat cheese mashed potatoes- just one of my new creations) I finally got caught up with emails, well reading them, this week I'm sure I will respond as I decide it is far important then studying. 

WOW, what nice, thoughtful, touching emails I received from many of you.  As posting started to fade the past few months I figured it was the same readers, the same support system, but HOLY SMOKES was I wrong.  My inbox was filled with emails from readers I have never met and who live across the U.S. and world.  CRAZY!  I got one email from a lady asking me input on app she was creating (a lifestyle & fitness app).  WHY ME?  I can't figure it out, but kind of cool.  It is probably SPAM, but I'm going to tell myself I'm pretty important with this offer.

Another email I read had another blog of a young women in the same shoes as me.  I looked at her blog, looked at other blogs she had linked to her blog, and thought to myself (1. the first three blogs were all widows whose husbands ALL named Brian (Bryan) had died- AHHH is there a hit list in Heaven with the name Brian?  JK! 2. there are a lot of people in the world with similar situations and for some reason reading about their pain gives me comfort in knowing I'm not alone.  3) Perhaps I am on the right track in life after death even though it feels at times I'm on road that seems to be going no where and full of uncertainty. 

One thing that makes me cringe is hearing people use the expression "you are an inspiration/amazing".  I'm not, I now just opened a worm hole of comments/emails negating that statement.  Let me re-phrase, I don't feel nor think I am.  After reading some other blogs of women in the same situation (not many blogs by men, probably because they have far better things to do in life then blog...which makes me jealous, and the fact that most men can easily let things go.  Case in point have you ever seen to male friends fight.  They argue, maybe throw a punch, then within 4 minutes have chest bumped and sharing a beer at the bar.  Women are far more complicated and tend to hold onto things for like years....my theory all women have a crazy gene inserted on the 'X' chromosome- defiantly another defining marker for gender). Sorry on the rant.  Ok, so after reading many other blogs I realize we are all doing the same thing.  Trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild a new puzzle in life because the old puzzle pieces are never going to fit together again. 

After my read through of these blogs (before this blog my only experience and majority of my experience now was reading food blogs- best way to get new recipe ideas.  However, I have been exposed to all types of blogs, there are lot of neat stories out there in their world, and a lot of them are worth reading.)  I have decided that I'm going to change things up.  For the first few months this blog served as one sole purpose (besides a way for people to keep track of my eating habits following the loss of Brian) it was therapy.  It still is therapeutic but I'm finding I need a different way to heal.

Developing posts is becoming harder and harder.  Some days it just comes to me and those are the days I write.  However, my healing is on a different road and sitting down purely talking about the countless ways I miss/thought of Brian that day is not helping. Forcing yourself to recall memories or thoughts just to write a post isn't going to work for me anymore.  I'm on a new road, a rebuilding road.  A road that is dedicated to nothing but 'finding Stacey'.  So although, some days I might have that salty taste to cry and think about Brian and write about Brian I'm going to focus on me.  This is something that is difficult for me as I never like to think of myself ahead of others, but I think it is something I have to do in order to move on.  My life consists of  'I' there is no 'we' anymore.

Be aware of many changes to come and if you are reading this for some great insight on life (which seems to be what a lot of you appreciate about the blog, not sure why, I'm 25 and a widow, my insight on life is not the greatest) then be prepared for posts that boasts nothing more then my journey on life- you know all the trouble I seem to get myself into.  The thought of  a new direction excites me, when I see the JTARMD banner at the top it glows again.  For awhile, it was dark and seemed to associated with something sad and I don't like that.  I want happiness and joy with JTARMD.  So hopefully, my adventures will keep you entertained (most people around me frequently use the phrase 'this only happens to you stacey' so there is bound to be some good stories. 

Cheers!

Oh and the next post...already laid out...titled "when life hands you hops....tour a brewery" so come back. 

Where has time gone

Can you believe tomorrow is the start of August?  AHHHHHHH!!!! Why does time seem to be flying by? I really didn't think time would fly by this quickly but over the past year it sure has.  I guess a bleak reminder that, as if I need another reminder, that life is short and not to put off tomorrow what you can do today!

So with that thought in mind I have taken full advantage of my days and have been BUSY!  My time has been consumed with welcoming home dear friends, visiting new friends, spending time with family, and enjoying the HOT summer days- oh I guess I should mention the 4-8 hrs I spend studying m-f and my hunt for a job.

Since I have last written I have traveled to Minneapolis, been eaten by massive mosquitos,  enjoyed drinks with friends up north.  Checked out (drove by) a hospital for a possible job, lets hope they call me back- or anyone for that matter.  Ate a delicious 'juicy lucy', a burger as seen on Travel Channel Man V Food a show which Brian dreamed he could participate in.

Did I mention I study a lot for my boards in September and apply for jobs?!  It is so hard getting back into the swing of studying again-taking a hiatus for a few months and experiencing what the rest of the world does when not in graduate school has been way to much fun to go back to studying.  Looking for jobs has been fun. NOT.  It has been a struggle because prior to February I had a set plan, that plan changed, I literally can do anything go anywhere and that has left me with NO CLUE on what to do with my life.  SCARY, since my life revolves around having a plan and I'm currently planless, jobless and these people called student loan collectors keep asking for money!  I keep telling myself to calm down and be patient that the job for me will show itself but the idea of student loans kicking in soon is starting to make me frantic, panicked, and impatient.  However, I'm enjoying the freedom of having empty days to run errands in between studying.  Can I just go straight to be a stay at home mom without having kids or a source of income?  I get a lot of stuff done and my house seems to be more organized when I'm home during the day.

Last weekend I got to welcome home Brian's best friend Andrew from Afghanistan. I'm so blessed that him and his wife have opened their arms to me and have kept me close to them.  I was so honored that I was invited to spend time with Andrew's family all weekend and be there to greet him as he took his first steps on Iowa soil.  The emotions of watching spouses, family, kids, friends reunited after a military deployment is something that can't be described in words.  I can't imagine the release of fear one gets when you get to hug your loved one for the first time after they return home.  You literally can let go of every knot in your stomach that aches not knowing if they are on a mission, in harms way, how they are, etc.  All I can say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU for everything all of the military personal do for us. You all are truly heros.

Since it is summer time and extremely HOT in the midwest the only way to survive is to cool off at the pool with a cold margarita and some friends!  So I spent one weekend slathered up at the pool (SPF 60!!!).  Please ignore the horrible image of me in a bathing suit!

I even managed to hit a concert.  Actually, not any concert...an OAR concert!  OAR was Brian and I's favorite band and we had seen them 4 times in college.  True story a groomsmen at our wedding emailed the band and asked them to play out our wedding, the band felt really bad they couldn't make it because they were on tour so they mailed Brian and I an autograph picture that said 'congrats on the wedding' with a bunch of picks, stickers, and other memorabilia.  THAT IS WHY I LOVE THEM.  When I saw they were coming to DSM I was bummed because I couldn't see them with Brian but I was able to enjoy it with Brian's best friend in Des Moines and (through what I say a Brian thing) my two favorite kiddos.  I thought I was crazy for bringing a 12 and 9 year old to a concert but we sat front row (as Brian and I would) had rocked out.  It was such a different memory then any other OAR concert but one I will cherish forever.  The memory of hanging out with the both of them is something I can hold on to as it means I'm in a new chapter in my life, a new journey, and they were apart of it.

Front Row!!!!

SO CLOSE!

Why I love this band...the guy on stage in the red shirt was from the audience and had a sign asking if he could play one song with OAR and they let him come on stage and play 'hey girl' with them (by the way my favorite song!).

This is Kelly James the opener, he was amazing.  And really liked that I brought the boys....well the autograph CD he gave me at least said so.  I guess a 12 & 9 y.o. is a great way to meet the band! ;)

No really, a good way to meet the band.  This is the lead singer of OAR.  I talked to him for little bit, he is so NICE!   

Happy 9th Birthday LUKE!  (I may have gotten my dates mixed up but hopefully OAR made that up)!!!

Finally, this weekend my parents came to town so in between- babysitting, having drinks on the patio with friends, and a going away party- we managed to roam around Des Moines for summer fun.  Saturday morning we hit up the Des Moines farmers market- a must do/see.  We purchased some homemade pasta, goat cheese, corn, split gooners, egg sandwiches, ice cream, cinnamon rolls, and gnawed on some samples.  YUM!  After the market we had a drinks on the patio of my favorite patio bar downtown and enjoyed the tunes from my new favorite DSM band.  After the patio we ventured across the bridge for a Italian fest.  We may have hit the festival with the early birds and it wasn't hopping yet but we sure did enjoy some fresh sangria and tasty Italian food. (I have to run double this week to burn off Saturday's adventure).  Sunday I took my parents to church, we ran some errands, did odd and ends around the house, ate lunch, cooled off with ice cream, and yondered across the glass bottom pedestrian bridge downtown. Can we say busy?

This week I will say I'm on repeat: study, job hunt, apply, study.  If I could get better at posting my posts would not be 3 pages long.  However, one thing I have found is that as time goes you have less and less to clear your mind about.  Although, some times are rough, most days are good and I hold onto the good days and run with it.  No sense in searching for sadness or meaning but live for life. Point taken! :)

P.S. I love you

Yep, you are correct in your thinking.  This post is about the movie P.S. I love you.  I'm sure ALL female readers have delved into this movie, but those of you (guys) who have not it is a tear jerker and clearly the book (movie) is based on a true story (actually not sure if it is, but the truth and reality of this book/movie makes me believe it).  It is about a women in her late 20's/early 30's whose husband passes away from a brain tumor and she has to rediscover herself without her husband.  Sounds vaguely familiar.  The first time I saw this movie I had just gotten out my wisdom teeth, I was 21 years old, Brian and I had been engaged for 2 months, I was at my parents house with a marathon of movies, and completely, utterly sad because Brian did not come with me for my surgery.  I remember being mad at him that day as I sat spitting blood (TMI?).  Then I watched this movie.  I remember watching it and knowing I would have no clue how to handle a situation like that and that all I wanted was to have him next to me forever.

When Brian was first diagnosed he turned to me and said, "Stacey, you are not allowed to watch P.s. I love you,  you will know when you can watch it."  Funny how he knew that, funny that is what he thought of.  Tonight I came home from my internship, heated up some leftovers, and flipped through the channels until low and behold I came across this movie.  I asked myself should I? Should I not? I was on rose pedal away from playing 'he loves me, he loves me not' but I watched it and even DVR it.  As I watched this movie (currently am watching it) I go through each scene wondering if this movie was a foreshadow to my life. 

In the movie the main character spends the first few weeks after her husbands death locked in her house, eating, singing out loud, dancing, internalizing, grieving, mad, and annoyed.  DING DING Stacey for $300 please.  During the time where she is locked up she is bombarded by friends and family phone call after phone call enough to make a person go crazy.  You know people are there to help, want to help, are concerned but there are just some things people can't do, can't say to take away that pain and you just need to be alone.  Alone to cry, alone to think, alone to try to feel the tinniest flow of air and hope that is the presence of your husband, alone to to lay in bed and hope that a mountain of pressure will hit you so feel like you are being held in peaceful arms.  You don't understand that until you go through it.  You can't come out until you are ready to come out, people can't force you to do that.  You can only come out of your comfort shell, that is your home where you spent your life with your husband, when you are ready.  You have to move on, but there is no time limit on moving on, you have to wait till you are guided by your lost loved one.  Sometimes it is a few weeks for others it may be months or a year. 

I remember when Brian first passed how upset I was that he left me here with nothing, no letter to read on bad days, no videotape, nothing.  I guess I hoped you would leave me written instructions on how to continue life, but planning was never Brian's thing, it was mine.  One thing I have been struggling with is how I have no plan.  I'm a huge planner.  I had my life plan,  I had a plan with Brian, my plan has been torn up and set in flames, now there is no plan.  The scariest thing about this past year was not that Brian was going to die, it is the fact I have to go on without him, on my own.  Deep, deep down I know I can and I know he knew I could it is a matter of finding the courage to do so.  In the movie it was said "there is no need for plans they never work out." I try to tell myself that but that doesn't ease the fact that in three days I'm done with school and in 6 weeks I take my licensure exam with no idea what I want to do with my life, where I want to live, anything.  I've always had a plan and now I have nothing, no idea. 

In the movie the main character gets a set of letters from her beloved husband helping her on her journey.  The first letter comes on her birthday with a cake that he planned ahead and had made.  I think about my last birthday I spent with Brian.  He was at the beginning of his quick descent to death.  January 11th my last birthday with him.  My birthday celebration was completely up to me because he was in a hospital bed.  Not to be selfish, but I wish so badly I had a grand celebration, one with just him and me at a bar bellied up, telling jokes, me laughing.  Instead, on my way home from work I picked up his favorite pizza, gave him the first slice, ate mine, got one hug as he laid in bed, then he broke out in a fever and I made him an ice cream cup with m&m's.  Like I said I don't want to be selfish, and I'm thankful I got that night with him, but that was the last way I will remember my birthday with Brian.  He was one for surprises, I hated them, he loved surprising me because I hated them.  He threw me a surprise party two years ago and a surprise dinner the year before.  This year I skipped a present, got his favorite pizza, and watched him sit with a high fever.  Even more selfish of me, I think about the last gift he got me.  The most logical guess, Christmas, nope he had a broken foot so he couldn't go out and he had chemo.  As I did Christmas shopping for everyone including Brian, knowing I wouldn't get anything from him, I told myself skipping opening a present under the tree to have him get better was worth it.  However, he never got better.  I try really hard to think about the last thing he got me and my best guess is maybe flowers before he got sick.  I'm a person who doesn't need things, I'm just reminiscing because you take for granted that what you get could be the last gift you receive. 

It is truly amazing how this movie covers every emotion, feeling, and aspect of losing your spouse.  Even silly, crazy ones.  In one scene the wife is on a trip with her friends in which she learns that her friends have two exciting life events: marriage and a baby.  The main character tries to be happy but at the same time you can see inside her a dark sadness.  WOW, ding ding!  Social media can be a nasty mood changer.  When you read status updates with exciting events such as house hunting, engagements, marriages, and even children you can't help but be sad.  Really, deep down I'm extremely happy for my friends, but the bitter truth smacks you in the face as you realize you don't have that.  The excitement that I have, getting invited out to have a drink with friends in which I get to choose between a Coors light, skinny margarita, or Jeremiah Sweet tea.  In my plan I would have a job and working right now, Brian and I would be looking for houses, and talking about having kids within the next 2 years.  All of that seems like a distinct glimmer of hope now as I set out on this new journey that seems as if I'm lost at sea, surrounded by nothing but open waters in a small paddle boat and no sight of anything remotely resembling land.  It isn't that I'm happy for everyone else, it is that you realize you no longer have that- pure, utter, joy.  Then there is the feeling of 'when do you stop talking about him'.  Here is a bad conversation starter, "hi, I'm a widow my husband died from cancer 6 months ago."  Yep, I may have done that!  One thing I've realized is that every story I tell relates to him.  Do you know how hard it is to meet new people and tell stories about yourself, however, all your stories you say 'we' instead of 'I' and all of them Brian was apart of.  You have to move on, you want someone to accept your past, but at some point you have to stop constantly referring to Brian, you have to let go.  It is a hard line between remembering him and moving on. 

Of course the movie ends with the main character finding a job she loves, letting go and moving forward with peace, and well it is a movie so a possible new love interest.  Although, my movie is hardly coming to an end and I really have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, I see myself starting to move forward and letting go of the sadness,  I guess I have to be patient as Brian quietly opens doors for me and leads me on this journey.  DAMN I still want a letter and planned trip to Ireland, one that entails a small pub tour! 

Details of my past two weekends will come later this week...I have started to panic about not studying enough for my board exam that I'm forcing myself every night to sit and study (tonight I will even turn off the TV as I study)!

Happiness in sarrow

Well Tuesday was a hard day for me as I said good-bye to a near and dear friend who also lost her battle with lymphoma.  I have become very close with her the past year.  Actually, I literally met year a year ago from last week.  I will never forget when Brian introduced us.  I remember coming home (to the hospital) from the clinic just exhausted.  All I wanted to do was sit and relax before our friends brought us dinner.  As soon as I walked in Brian's room he jumped out of bed and said, "come on you have to meet my new friend."  I was like Really?  Can't I sit for a bit and meet your friend later.  He said, "No! Stacey you have to meet this woman right now!"  Thinking she would be our age I was surprised to walk into the room next door and find out that Brian's new friend was a 66y.o. retired pediatric physical therapist.  Confused by his new friend who he was so fond of, I sat down and started to talking to her.  SHE WAS AMAZING.  Words can't express the instant connection I had with her as well as Brian since they were both battling the same thing.  Her kindness and nurturing heart drew anyone she met close to her.  Her and Brian were luckily on the same chemo schedule so every three weeks we got to hang out with her and walk the halls.  During the day when I was away I felt at peace knowing Brian had someone to talk to and hang out with.  Her funeral on Tuesday captured everything she embodied.  It was such a beautiful service, it was hard not to cry.  The pastor made a good statement during the service,  "God brings people in your life for reasons, for seasons, and for life."  How true is that?  How many times do you meet someone for a day and at the end of the night you reflect back and think man that was a good day.  That is GOD at work.  How many times do you make a new friend where that person fills a need in your life for a few years and then you roads diverge.  That is God's work. How many times does someone walk in your life change your life and you can't go back to life before you met that person?  That is God.  God saw a need for carolyn in our life this past year and the one season she was in my life she helped me get through a lot.  Although, I will miss her and will miss Brian, I know God brought them in my life at the times he did for a reason.

After Carolyn's funeral I came home and read what I wrote for Brian's funeral.  For some reason I just wanted to to go back to the day he died.  Although, Brian's funeral was packed, I know many of you weren't there so as I read the words I wrote about Brian I decided to post them.  I guess a way to keep him close in my thoughts this week (even thoughI was wrapped up in his T-shirt quilt all week).  I could feel Brian with me Tuesday especially because our close friends had a baby boy named Benjamin Brian Reed.  How neat, Brian had such an impact that a new life was born to carry on his legacy.  I'm so thrilled for our best friend's as they get to experience a new journey in life with a such a blessing.  I'm a very proud AUNTIE (yep I nicknamed myself auntie).  Can we please get this kid a Hawkeye onsie....I'm on it!!!




Here was my eulogy to Brian:

Brian,

Man do I miss you already.  I missed you the moment your hand let go, the moment you took your last breath, and the moment you looked up to heaven and opened your arms to God.  You were so special; you were my true soul mate.  The bond we had is a bond that many people wait a life time for.  They say it is better to have loved then to never have loved at all.  While this is true, it leaves a pretty big empty hole in your heart when your love is not there.  I remember the first time I met you and you were introduced to me as the ‘nicest guy your will ever meet.’ I didn’t know that 2 months later our paths would cross again and that three years later we would marry.  We started out as best friends who would leave college gatherings to go lie on your bed and talk about life.  We would argue how Bobby Knight was one of the greatest basketball coaches, and at one point I almost had you ready to move to Indiana.  We would always agree how great the Hawkeyes were and we would each select our all-star football team with past players. 

We had deep conversations about family, the meaning of life, and our role in life.  When we finally started dating and our love blossomed I knew why God put you in my life.  He put you there because he knew I needed a kind, gentle person, with a huge passion bucket.  You loved me for me, something I thought no one could ever do.  You had this amazing ability to make me feel special.  I never knew how to take compliments and all you did was compliment me.  Your presence always gave me an overwhelming inner peace.  You found this way to instill confidence in myself as a wife, a sister, a daughter, a student, a friend, and as a person.  I will miss that.  Our entire marriage you dedicated yourself to me.  You would encourage me when I was down, you would bring me dinner at school when I had to study late, you would clean the house (which you hated) so that I had one less thing to worry about.  You cracked open this vault in me and opened a part I never knew I had.  I was always independent and strong willed but with you I was dependent upon your love, I needed you. You found a way to make me fall in love with more in the 2.5 years we were married.   

Last April our lives were flipped upside down and God’s true role for you in this world was revealed.  For ten months I would try defy God’s plan but deep down we both knew the result.  You were too special for this world, to unique to be here forever.  God gave you the qualities he gave you because he needed you to open our eyes, our minds, and our hearts.  You never gave cancer the opportunity to define you, but you defined it.  You were a fighter; I don’t know how you made it look so easy, you never showed how much you were suffering.  You managed to always have a smile on, you managed to still console me, and you managed to fill my love bucket up all while being so sick.  God wanted you to be his disciple and he called you to duty and you did as he asked.  You would share his love with others by your actions and words.  It is easy in life to question God and you always told me not to, you would say just believe, be patient, he is there.  You were right.  We were both so scared the past two weeks.  You said you were scared about how God was going to take you.  I told you he is going to be at heaven’s gate waiting for you, and you would see him.  I was saying that to calm your nerves, but that was true.  Tuesday at 1:30 you kept trying to lift your arms. I asked if you were hot and then with every ounce of energy you had, you opened your eyes, looked at the sky, lifted your arms and hugged God.  That was the one picture I needed to never question God again.  You taught me lessons even with your last breath.  That was God’s plan for you. You were his seed on earth. 

You told me I had to move on, you told me you were proud of me, you told me you would love me from heaven.  However I wish you were here.  I wish I could kiss you, I wish I could hug you, I wish I could hear one last joke, I wish we could go to one more Iowa game, I wish we could see another Cub win, I wish there were more OAR concerts, I wish we had road trips, I wish we could have one more high life, I wish we could be cuddled up on the coach forever.  You will always be my soul mate, you will always be my husband, and you will always be my first love.  You were my world and I was yours.  Thank you for kindness, your patience, and your love.  Save a seat for me up there.

Always and Forever we will be,

Love,

Stacey

I want to leave with you all with another look on Brian’s legacy.

When Brian was diagnosed it was incredible how daily words transformed to take on a new meaning.  How many times a day do you routinely say I love you to your loved ones?  You end phone conversations, text messages, emails with this saying out of habit.  How many times a day when you say I love you do you say it with passion, with hope, with real love?  No one knows when our last days will be because that is God’s plan not our plan.  We have to remember that and escape from our comfortable habits.  When you say something mean it, act on it, and live it. That was Brian.  He may have out of habit left his dishes out for me to pick up but every time he said “I love you” or “Thank you for taking care of me” or “you are the best wife ever” he said it in a way that would make me really feel loved. 

The day Brian found out he had cancer we decided to go to the store as a distracter.  Every single person he passed he said “hello, how are you, I hope you have a good day.”  He just found out he was severely ill but had the courage and love to think of others.  We let our attitude control us too much in this life.  Brian always said attitude is a choice and it is.  You might have spilled coffee on your favorite shirt, had a bad test, or lost your car keys but remember not to let your attitude dictate who you are.  Brian taught me that. 

In the beginning of this journey Brian one night in bed said, “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m sick.  There is nothing for them to feel sorry for.  I have a loving wife, great parents, and great friends.  Some people don’t have that and we should feel sorry for them and change that.” 

When Brian was student teaching he had a special education student who would walk into class every day and say, “Mr. Pritchard, today is the best day of my life.” Every day Brian asked why and everyday it was a different reason as to why it was the best day of this kid’s life.  Brian would call me and tell me this every day and said if only everyone else could stop, take a moment and appreciate what happened that day, appreciate what put a smile on their face that day, then we would all have the best day of our life, even if it was because the vending machine popped out two snickers instead of one.  That is how Brian lived and that is how he wanted everyone around him to live. 

Brian and I had our first dance to this song.  When we were planning our wedding I chose it because it reminded me of Brian and selected it again because it still reminds me of Brian.  Brian loved life; he loved every aspect of it.  He loved waking up to a new day, he loved Friday’s after work, and he loved football Saturday (even if the Hawks lost).  Most of all he loved the people that made life great. To him every part of this world was wonderful and what a wonderful world it was. 

When life knocks you down, when you are angry or sad, or just having a bad day.  Think about Brian, think about his spirit, and think about his passion for life.  Tell yourself, “Just try and ruin my day.” 

This weekend I have crazy, big, fun plans so that means Monday-ish I will have a an update!  I hope you all had a great week and have an excellent weekend filled with laughs, smiles, hugs, and special people!

And life continues to go on

My apologies, once again, busy week with little time to write.  Last weekend I took a quick trip to watch my favorite 12 yr old play hockey and play legos with my favorite 8 yo.  I guess a positive  I can hold my hat on right now in life, is that I literally have no commitments so I can pick up and leave on a moments notice.  So I did just that last weekend.  My family was in California finishing up some odds and ends from my grandpa's passing and celebrating my older sisters graduation from her internal medicine residency (congrats Rachael!).  Unfortunately, I could not attend such festivities as I had to work.  So since I couldn't fly to California I quickly hopped in the car and drove to Minneapolis.  Per most of my recent trips this was also a very fun trip and a good escape from stress.  It was nice to meet new people, re-unite with old friends, and watch my favorite pre-teen dominate in hockey.  However, I notice after I watch hockey I have an urge to check every person that crosses me (probably not a good thing, but kind of a fun feeling).

On my way home from the cities I got a disheartening phone call from a friend.  A near and dear friend to Brian and I through out the year was on the same path as Brian.  Her and Brian were both fighting lymphoma and she was able to go to transplant this Sept., however, her transplant didn't take and like Brian her cancer spread, and spread quickly.  She was released from the hospital on Tuesday to start home hospice so I was thankfully able to visit with her Wednesday and say good bye in peaceful and joyful way.  She lost her husband in March to liver cancer.  Her and her husband where such inspirations to Brian and I as they gave us hope and helped us to have trust in our faith.  They were an amazing couple who went through so much but still had the energy to smile and care for others.

Wednesday as I sat with my friend she told me that she would tell Brian hello and that she would check in on him for me.  The thing I appreciated the most about my friend is that we were always able to be realistic and live in the moment.  When you are holding a loved ones hand as they are literally on their death bed it is hard to say the words you want to say or to be as honest as you want to be, but you have to have the courage to do it.  You are fearful of what to say and scared to say the truth.  Her and I were never like that. We could be dead honest.  When I sat with her I thought, man, what do I say to this women.  And just as normal we talked about the truth that was in our hearts and minds.  There was no sugar coating what the next days were to bring there was not jumping around thoughts. Brutal honesty.  I know that on Friday afternoon when my friend said good-bye to the mortal world Brian and her husband were there to welcome her into heaven's gates.  I know Brian was excited to be reunited with his walking buddy (they would walk the hospital halls during chemo).  Somehow I'm relieved because I know Brian will be getting his exercise up there now, one less thing to worry about (hopefully he is still getting his vegetables :)  ).

As much as you try to enjoy the holiday weekend and soak up the fun that July 4th brings, in the back of my mind all I could think about was my friend.  Not sadness because she is in a much better place but- I'm not sure of the words- it is hard to explain.  Being with her this week was a stark reminder of Brian's last week.  Her progression was Brian's progression.  One thing however, after yet another passing of a close friend/relative, life still goes on.  Life doesn't stop, time doesn't stop, the world trenches forward.  You have to grieve and grieving never stops but you find ways to go on with life because life goes on.  You find pleasure in small things such as watching a kid play baseball or hockey or building legos, you find pleasure in taking an afternoon or weekend off from the repetitive motion that is life to do something spontaneous.  Life goes on, small cherish-able moments continue to occur,  you have to remember that and hold onto that, and appreciate that as hard as it may be.

Life goes on...the only thing left you can do is to go on with it.

Always and forever!

I am so excited!  I took Brian's wedding ring in and designed a new ring with his wedding band and the diamonds from my ring.  I was able to use everything but my MASSIVE very respectable princess cut diamond, which, I'm turning into a necklace.  YAY! I wasn't sure how the ring would turn out, but it is absolutely amazing, perfect, and I'm pretty sure I smiled just as big as I did the day Brian purposed.  On the inside I had the phrase "always and forever" engraved because that is what Brian would always tell me.  It is weird that I know it is his wedding ring but with its upgrade it doesn't look like it.  However, I know he is with me, I guess a physical presence of him.  I decided to sell my bands, what, gold is at a premium right now and I have a strict no income budget that needs so fluffing, besides what do you do with bands that literally have nothing in them?

Also, before I completely emptied out the closet of clothes I took some of Brian's T-shirts and made a t-shirt quilt.  Well my beloved mother in-law had it made for me.  I have a giant queen size quilt with shirts that remind me of Brian.  Some of them include his lovely stripped polos that SCREAM Brian when I look at them.  I also had one made with his Iowa shirts.  I personally can't wait for this one to come because I know rooting on the Hawks this fall wrapped up in that blanket will be the most peaceful thing on this earth, especially since I didn't get tickets since I didn't know where or what I would be doing (regretting that decision).


I hate complaining, but I have to complain.  One thing that is DRIVING ME INSANE, is the phrase "I can't imagine being in your shoes."  If you can't imagine then don't!  Don't imagine it, don't make judgements, don't say anything!  UGH, that is hard.  I hate having this feeling of judgement.  I hate having eyes looking at my moves in life.  Perhaps, I deserve it because I have a public blog, but it drives me nuts.  When is it time to move on? When is it too soon or not soon enough?  WHEN?  who can answer this?  NO ONE.  I'm not sure the answer, but I can tell you, live goes one, it has to.  My past is my past, everyone has a past.  I love my past, but I accept that Brian is not going to walk in the door one day and life is back to its peaceful normalcy.  That just isn't going to happen.  I can sit at home and hope and pray it does, but it wont.  You have to pick up your boot straps and move on.  I don't mind talking about Brian but I hate people telling me how 'amazing I am' etc. I hate hearing that. I'm not amazing, I'm pretty sure anyone in that situation would step up to the plate and do everything in their power to help the one they loved.  I'm not a super hero, I'm just a wife who took a vow in sickness in health till death do us part.  So I followed through on my word.

I wish the roles were reverse.  I think Brian would be much better at rebuilding then me.  He is naturally an optimistic, friendly, confident person.  Before now I've always had school which was a crutch for me.  It forced me to have something to do.  Now without school (I can only study for so long independently without being forced to by constantly having tests) I find myself yearning for social interactions and outings.  I remember when Brian and I first moved here and he was so mad that mediacom didn't carry all the Cubs games he would go to a bar up the street to watch the games.   I thought about doing this, but I'm scared.  AHHH, what do you do when you walk in and sit down at 5 pm on Wednesday night?  Does that make you an alcoholic, even though you really don't want to drink you just hope you can have meaningless conversation with a stranger that will occupy 2-3 hours of your night?  Do people then think you've hit the deep end?  The hard part for me is at one time I lost my love and graduated- meaning majority of my social circle scattered.  This stinks, try rebuilding all that. I didn't think I was an extremely social person but wow have I been proven wrong, this must be what it is like not to have your nose in a book.  I enjoyed my time at the hospital because literally I got to do nothing but converse with complete strangers from all planes of life.  From this I learned every person comes from a past, as hard as that past is, you have to accept it.  I guess I can narrow down my job search...do employers advertise "extremely social business, applicant must enjoy talking?"  Funny thing, I only like talking to strangers, I think because I feel like they aren't picking me apart, forming thoughts,  saying "i can't imagine being in your shoes."  I enjoy meeting a new person, knowing all they know about me is that I'm Stacey.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I asked my good college friend last night on the phone, if I can just rent a dog to go to the dog park?  I feel like that is a good conversation starter, "you have a dog, me too!"  While chatting to her, the multi-tasker in me, I was on a bike ride on the bike trail.  My friend asked what and how I was doing both.  I said, "If I'm lucky I will fall sprain an ankle right in front of cute boy and then he and his big muscles will have to save me and carry me off the trail till a fire truck filled with cute firemen arrive to splint me up."  She laughed,  I think I have watched way to many lifetime movies, perhaps sitting at a bar is not a bad idea so I don't watch anymore lifetime movies.  The other problem I'm facing movies.  Man there is a really good IMAX movie about the human body that I want to see.  I haven't yet mustered up the guts to go alone.  Can you invite strangers to go see movies on the human body with you?  Maybe I can pay a person on the street to go with me?  Brian would be much better at this, he didn't care how dumb he looked.  As once being married I have a new outlook on single people.  Brian and I hung out with nothing but single people for the majority of our lives together.  We always had our single friends over for dinner or drinks, like constantly, we could have almost had speed dating in our home.  However, with all our encounters I never took time to think about what it is was like to be them, to go home to an empty bed, to not have someone to talk to, what do they do at night?  It is a completely new world as I have lived two very different ways.

I have to move on, when is it the right time?  I think I'm the only person that knows that and can feel that.  What everyone else thinks doesn't matter, so don't try to make it matter.  I don't have regrets and I don't have a heavy heart.  That is enough for me.