Well once again I've been keeping busy. A key ingredient for anyone moving on in life after a tragic event. I have recently started a new hobby...making cakes for my friends birthday. I'm not sure it is a full out hobby seeing as how two of them happened to be in one week and you can't make one friend a cake and not the other. My first cake: double chocolate fudge with peanut butter filling between cake layers SMOTHERED in peanut butter frosting covered with crushed Reese Pieces. YUM! Cake 2: crushed Oreo crust layered with hot fudge, homemade ice cream, peanut butter pie filling, and crushed oreo's. YUMMMY. I felt real great about myself when I left Hy-vee tonight with a box of oreo's, hot fudge, whip cream, and a bottle of margarita's. The high school girl working asked if it was a rough day....YIKES. I guess my basket of items looked as if I was 'dumped' and was going home to self loath with margartias and chocolate. Anyways, the cakes I think were a huge hit...who doesn't love peanut butter and chocolate...I DO, I DO.
Nothing exciting is on tap this weekend, I usually stumble upon something however.
My parents took off for the weekend to celebrate my Aunt's life. She passed away on Thursday morning after a long battle with head, neck and throat cancer. I know she had a very hard road and am thankful she now rests comfortably. When I look at her fight and the fight others have all I can do is pray for thanks that Brian and I did not have to experience that. I'm so blessed that Brian had a relatively painless fight even though it was a hard and difficult battle.
When hear about people who pass due to cancer you think "wow that is sad, how horrible" but then a minute later you carry on with life as normal. I know I did before this and I know I would always think, "that would never happen to me." But it did, cancer doesn't discriminate. When you hear about someone being diagnosed or losing their battle who have a new perspective on it after being in that position. Your heart aches for them because you understand the road ahead, you know exactly what the nights after chemo are like, you know what the fear of the unknown is like. In the past year I can count on both hands and both feet the number of people we have known that have passed away from cancer...I can count on one hand the people that went into remission. That is pretty scary. It makes you think, makes you wonder why that is? Why is there nothing more for treatments. It makes you scared in case you are the next person because the odds are stacked pretty high against you. You have to hope when you battle and you try to find positives to hang your hat on with success stories...but one thing Brian and I hated was having people tell us stories of people they knew who were told they weren't going to make it and then the treatments worked. We weren't math majors and we knew the statistics...we knew that if it worked for that person that mean the odds were it wasn't going to work for us. You don't want to be negative but that is the reality...you can't hide it. It was hard fighting so hard to beat cancer but then receive tons of letters and emails with success stories but yet no treatments were working. It gives you sometimes false hope and when you get knocked down with the latest scan it was that much harder to be positive. The last thing you want to hear is how it worked, for what seemed like everyone, but you, however in reality that is not the case. If you want to give a cancer patient hope, show them faith. Faith will get them much further on the journey then stories of a friend you knew who had some cancer who survived. Faith gets them through doctor's appointments, faith soothes them after chemo, faith keeps them positive that there is greater things in the world. That is priceless.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
EASTER..."lights will guide you home"
Well it is already Easter time. Can you believe it? I can't. Is this year in fast forward? I feel like life is passing me by to fast. Maybe because one life has already passed before me and all I can feel is that life is to short and it is to easy to get stuck in a mundane routine. I like routines, but after this past year, I've opened my eyes to spontaneity. It is easy to let life pass you by because you are comfortable in your set routine. Brian and I were pretty set in our routine...until shell shocked. I don't want to be stuck again, I want to live, I want to experience the world.
So I will no longer promise to be current on posting...perhaps because I have nothing to post on and majority of the reason...as time goes on things fade. Some days I wake up and feel like the past five years have been nothing then a mere dream. I look back and see how things were too good to be true. Truly I feel that. Brian was too good, he was too special, I always told him "how in the heck did God chose me to have you." ( please no comments on how I'm special, I know why God chose me for him, I know why we were together). He was to good to be had for a lifetime. Everything has happened so fast, literally a flash of time, I feel like at times I wake up in the morning thinking that 5 years together were nothing more then a mere 30 minute dream. (do you ever have dreams that feel like hours but you wake up to see you have only been asleep for like 10 min). I fee like that now. Sometimes I look at pictures and think 'who is that', I think this is because I physically haven't seen or spoken to Brian. I guess your mind automatically creates an 'out of sight out of mind' ideation. Some pictures I look at, especially on the walls, I think it is the couple that comes in the frame...the picture doesn't seem real, Brian and I don't seem real in it.
Well I knocked out the first big holiday without Brian. It didn't really bother me, I think because I've moved on. Some days are hard but you can't sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you have to move on. I think people around me figured it would be hard...I see it however as, I celebrated 20 years of holidays without him, I can celebrate them again without him. I don't like when people make things a big deal, I don't like attention to the fact he is gone. I don't understand why life can't continue on as normal. Easter church brought back memories. Last year we celebrated Easter with our family early so Brian and I celebrated real 'Easter' on our own in Des Moines. At our Church in Des Moines they had this 'skit' where the played Cold Play's: FIX YOU and then had members of the church stand on stage with signs sharing what they struggled with in life and then as the song went on they flipped over the sign to show how they 'let go and let God FIX THEM." It was about 4 minutes of pure tears. I remember sitting in that service with Brian holding his hand and both of us crying....like Kleenex box crying. We knew God brought this fight to us for a reason. We knew God was speaking to us, he was telling us we had some work to do in our lives, he opened our eyes to what was missing in life. PLEASE WATCH THE ABOVE VIDEO (link)....you will have no choice but to reflect on your own life, honestly, this is the BEST SONG EVER FOR THAT! If you can watch it, reflect, and not cry then as Brian would say, " you need to find some Jesus," because you need to be 'fixed'. In the spirit of Easter... this song speaks. No person is perfect, NO ONE! There is always something that we need to fix. That is why God is there. He forgives us, he fixes us.
This weekend I spent time with family and friends. Saturday I was blessed to be able to watch the sweetest 8 y.o. play soccer, and I even witnessed a GOAL! I miss my two boys a lot so it was nice to see them. After the soccer game we went for brunch and while I was there...8hours....I ran into some old friends from college and high school. So I could catch up with everyone. The rest of the weekend my best friend from college and I hung out with my parents. Sunday we had a nice meal prepared by my mommy and then we had our traditional egg hunt. YEP, not only am I 25 and going to Vegas with the rents...I also participate in Easter egg hunts...is that an E Harmony check box on the application? My mom's rule is you can't get out of the hunt till you have a kid to replace you. I was SO CLOSE to being out! Thankfully, egg hunts have become more interesting since in college we had to request the 'easter bunny' to replace chocolate with quarters for laundry. Since I'm incomeless I took the egg hunt seriously this year...and dominated! Actually, I've never lost an egg hunt, well perhaps one. Otherwise, Brian's egg winnings were 'My winnings' (but my winnings were not his...that is how it works right ladies!) so I always crushed my other siblings, in the spirit of Christ of course :).
A start of a new week...a week hopefully filled with nothing then good surprises and nothing routine, maybe a slow down in speed.
I did try to swap my 'blue bomber' '94 buick for my parents Audi....they didn't take the trade, but they did give me a picture of me in the car.
So I will no longer promise to be current on posting...perhaps because I have nothing to post on and majority of the reason...as time goes on things fade. Some days I wake up and feel like the past five years have been nothing then a mere dream. I look back and see how things were too good to be true. Truly I feel that. Brian was too good, he was too special, I always told him "how in the heck did God chose me to have you." ( please no comments on how I'm special, I know why God chose me for him, I know why we were together). He was to good to be had for a lifetime. Everything has happened so fast, literally a flash of time, I feel like at times I wake up in the morning thinking that 5 years together were nothing more then a mere 30 minute dream. (do you ever have dreams that feel like hours but you wake up to see you have only been asleep for like 10 min). I fee like that now. Sometimes I look at pictures and think 'who is that', I think this is because I physically haven't seen or spoken to Brian. I guess your mind automatically creates an 'out of sight out of mind' ideation. Some pictures I look at, especially on the walls, I think it is the couple that comes in the frame...the picture doesn't seem real, Brian and I don't seem real in it.
Well I knocked out the first big holiday without Brian. It didn't really bother me, I think because I've moved on. Some days are hard but you can't sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you have to move on. I think people around me figured it would be hard...I see it however as, I celebrated 20 years of holidays without him, I can celebrate them again without him. I don't like when people make things a big deal, I don't like attention to the fact he is gone. I don't understand why life can't continue on as normal. Easter church brought back memories. Last year we celebrated Easter with our family early so Brian and I celebrated real 'Easter' on our own in Des Moines. At our Church in Des Moines they had this 'skit' where the played Cold Play's: FIX YOU and then had members of the church stand on stage with signs sharing what they struggled with in life and then as the song went on they flipped over the sign to show how they 'let go and let God FIX THEM." It was about 4 minutes of pure tears. I remember sitting in that service with Brian holding his hand and both of us crying....like Kleenex box crying. We knew God brought this fight to us for a reason. We knew God was speaking to us, he was telling us we had some work to do in our lives, he opened our eyes to what was missing in life. PLEASE WATCH THE ABOVE VIDEO (link)....you will have no choice but to reflect on your own life, honestly, this is the BEST SONG EVER FOR THAT! If you can watch it, reflect, and not cry then as Brian would say, " you need to find some Jesus," because you need to be 'fixed'. In the spirit of Easter... this song speaks. No person is perfect, NO ONE! There is always something that we need to fix. That is why God is there. He forgives us, he fixes us.
This weekend I spent time with family and friends. Saturday I was blessed to be able to watch the sweetest 8 y.o. play soccer, and I even witnessed a GOAL! I miss my two boys a lot so it was nice to see them. After the soccer game we went for brunch and while I was there...8hours....I ran into some old friends from college and high school. So I could catch up with everyone. The rest of the weekend my best friend from college and I hung out with my parents. Sunday we had a nice meal prepared by my mommy and then we had our traditional egg hunt. YEP, not only am I 25 and going to Vegas with the rents...I also participate in Easter egg hunts...is that an E Harmony check box on the application? My mom's rule is you can't get out of the hunt till you have a kid to replace you. I was SO CLOSE to being out! Thankfully, egg hunts have become more interesting since in college we had to request the 'easter bunny' to replace chocolate with quarters for laundry. Since I'm incomeless I took the egg hunt seriously this year...and dominated! Actually, I've never lost an egg hunt, well perhaps one. Otherwise, Brian's egg winnings were 'My winnings' (but my winnings were not his...that is how it works right ladies!) so I always crushed my other siblings, in the spirit of Christ of course :).
A start of a new week...a week hopefully filled with nothing then good surprises and nothing routine, maybe a slow down in speed.
I did try to swap my 'blue bomber' '94 buick for my parents Audi....they didn't take the trade, but they did give me a picture of me in the car.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
ENERGY!!!!
Well I have yet to slow down in my outings...I'm starting to tire out. I have found it is best to just stay busy and active. Not only do you have something to look forward to but it keeps your mind at ease. At this rate if someone asks me to do something you can assume I will say yes. Even if it is say...um...filing taxes! I found though that Tuesday I was dead tired and needed a night on the couch to let my feet relax. So I did just that last night...refreshing.
Monday night my sister and I stumbled into some free tickets to the Iowa Energy game (it was semifinals for the NBA (d-league I think, don't quote me)). Not only was it a HUGE game (winner went to the championship) but it was also was a night for 'specials' at the stadium :) !Brian and I always wanted to go, well I wanted to drag Brian to go to see what it was like, so when the opportunity for free tickets came up there was no hesitation, YES PLEASE. I've learned if there is something you want to do, don't put it off. I think of everything Brian and I wanted to do, but we never did, so now I'm jumping at the opportunity to do EVERYTHING! You can't look at the past, you have to move on, and change for the future. No more saying next time, now is the time. It was a fun game and IOWA ENERGY WON!!! That means we are headed to the SHIP!!!
I wish Brian and I had more time to do more fun things. We had some really, really awesome things planned. However, I hold my hat on all the fun things we did do. I look back at the month of November when Brian was feeling really good and we tried to do as much as we could. We tried to be as normal as possible, we went to see his Chiefs play (thanks to some near and dear friends who made it possible), we went to see a Broadway musical, we had drinks at a nice restaurant, we had date night, we met friends out in town. They might seem like small things but when you are constantly sick from chemo or in quarantine because your counts are low then just going out on a date seems like CHRISTMAS morning. I cherish that last good month we have. There are so many good memories, that is probably the last good month Brian had. I look at those activities we did and all I can do is smile and remember Brian for the Brian I loved. There was no broken foot, no vomiting, no daily transfusions, no hospital- it was just a good month, a normal month.
This weekend a year ago Brian started his first chemo treatment. We met with the doctor on a Friday morning because we were concerned about a fever Brian had developed (that was his first sign and symptom of his cancer and it came 3 weeks after being diagnosed and after having stage 4 lymphoma that was pretty much everywhere. A high fever was also the sign of the beginning of the end...when he got his first fever in January and was admitted back to the hospital I knew what it meant because of what the fever meant in the beginning of the process.) When we met with the dr. he sent us straight to the hospital to start chemo. Brian had to have 5 days of 24 hour chemo, this was the weekend he started that...he watch the NFL draft all weekend. I can tell you exact days that everything happened this past year. I kept a calendar to keep dates straights for all the different doctors we saw...I don't need a calendar however, everyday sticks in my mind permanently. I can tell his exact story to the day, date, and I bet time. How do I find the energy for that?
Monday night my sister and I stumbled into some free tickets to the Iowa Energy game (it was semifinals for the NBA (d-league I think, don't quote me)). Not only was it a HUGE game (winner went to the championship) but it was also was a night for 'specials' at the stadium :) !
I wish Brian and I had more time to do more fun things. We had some really, really awesome things planned. However, I hold my hat on all the fun things we did do. I look back at the month of November when Brian was feeling really good and we tried to do as much as we could. We tried to be as normal as possible, we went to see his Chiefs play (thanks to some near and dear friends who made it possible), we went to see a Broadway musical, we had drinks at a nice restaurant, we had date night, we met friends out in town. They might seem like small things but when you are constantly sick from chemo or in quarantine because your counts are low then just going out on a date seems like CHRISTMAS morning. I cherish that last good month we have. There are so many good memories, that is probably the last good month Brian had. I look at those activities we did and all I can do is smile and remember Brian for the Brian I loved. There was no broken foot, no vomiting, no daily transfusions, no hospital- it was just a good month, a normal month.
This weekend a year ago Brian started his first chemo treatment. We met with the doctor on a Friday morning because we were concerned about a fever Brian had developed (that was his first sign and symptom of his cancer and it came 3 weeks after being diagnosed and after having stage 4 lymphoma that was pretty much everywhere. A high fever was also the sign of the beginning of the end...when he got his first fever in January and was admitted back to the hospital I knew what it meant because of what the fever meant in the beginning of the process.) When we met with the dr. he sent us straight to the hospital to start chemo. Brian had to have 5 days of 24 hour chemo, this was the weekend he started that...he watch the NFL draft all weekend. I can tell you exact days that everything happened this past year. I kept a calendar to keep dates straights for all the different doctors we saw...I don't need a calendar however, everyday sticks in my mind permanently. I can tell his exact story to the day, date, and I bet time. How do I find the energy for that?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
FOOTBALL
Oh what a week and weekend. It has been so long since I've been on...oops broke my last statement about trying to be more consistent. I'm not even sure what I did the rest of the week last week after golf. It clearly did not top golfing with the retirees.
Friday night I caught a movie with a friend followed by drinks at Champs at the mall. Brian and I would do this often....usually because I never make previews at movies so Brian would A) tell me the movie started an hour before it really did so we would be there so early or B) we would miss the movie and have to wait till 8pm to catch the next show. Either way we would have to grab a Blue Moon at Champs. We saw the movie "Win Win". Highly recommend, it was very good.
Saturday night I went to the Barnstormers game. The Barnstormer's are an arena football team in Des Moines, for all of you not from Des Moines. Big news for us is that a former Iowa QB has returned to play in IA for the Barnstormers. He also happens to be my favorite Iowa QB, Brad Banks. Brian said he was in his top 4 but Chuck Long was number 1. I sat right by the bench so all game I got to see the team go in and out, I got to hear the plays, I got to see sweat dripping down their faces. AWESOME. It was so much fun, and has me now excited for IOWA football. Too bad I have to wait 4 months. GRRR. It was such an intense game but in the end Iowa lost by 1 point, ahhh, the plague of missed point after's....it must be the state of Iowa.
Today I went out, in between rain showers, to play some tennis. I will be honest, I probably wont be facing Serena Williams anytime soon in the British Open or Wimbledon. AHHHH I'm horrible at tennis. I spent majority of the time running after balls I missed or making my partner run out of the court to get the balls I hit over the wall. OOPS! Tennis looks so easy on TV, it is definitely not easy in real life. The 16 year olds next to us were laughing at my ability to miss every shot, it was a real positive! I guess I got a work out in.
Overall a pretty spectacular weekend. No complaints, no worries, no stress, no thoughts on the past.
Friday night I caught a movie with a friend followed by drinks at Champs at the mall. Brian and I would do this often....usually because I never make previews at movies so Brian would A) tell me the movie started an hour before it really did so we would be there so early or B) we would miss the movie and have to wait till 8pm to catch the next show. Either way we would have to grab a Blue Moon at Champs. We saw the movie "Win Win". Highly recommend, it was very good.
Saturday night I went to the Barnstormers game. The Barnstormer's are an arena football team in Des Moines, for all of you not from Des Moines. Big news for us is that a former Iowa QB has returned to play in IA for the Barnstormers. He also happens to be my favorite Iowa QB, Brad Banks. Brian said he was in his top 4 but Chuck Long was number 1. I sat right by the bench so all game I got to see the team go in and out, I got to hear the plays, I got to see sweat dripping down their faces. AWESOME. It was so much fun, and has me now excited for IOWA football. Too bad I have to wait 4 months. GRRR. It was such an intense game but in the end Iowa lost by 1 point, ahhh, the plague of missed point after's....it must be the state of Iowa.
Today I went out, in between rain showers, to play some tennis. I will be honest, I probably wont be facing Serena Williams anytime soon in the British Open or Wimbledon. AHHHH I'm horrible at tennis. I spent majority of the time running after balls I missed or making my partner run out of the court to get the balls I hit over the wall. OOPS! Tennis looks so easy on TV, it is definitely not easy in real life. The 16 year olds next to us were laughing at my ability to miss every shot, it was a real positive! I guess I got a work out in.
Overall a pretty spectacular weekend. No complaints, no worries, no stress, no thoughts on the past.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
FORE!
Today it was a steamy 75 degrees....so obviously every patient in the hospital left. Which = low census = not enough patients to see so voluntary day off. I jumped all over that when my instructor mentioned it. I'm not getting paid anyways so it really doesn't affect me. I could use the learning experience but in my head I could validate my real world experience from the past month of Brian's life.
This afternoon I took another step into the new Stacey. I played golf...like real golf..like 9 holes by myself. I went to a course Brian and I had played before so I was at least familiar with it. I think every retired person in the Des Moines area also thoguht to play golf becuase it was packed. I was the youngest by, um, 40 years and I was also the only female. When I went to pay for my round all the old men in the club house were giving me a hard time. I was already scared to play by myself, but I held my own against them and poked fun back at them. It was fun! I'm pretty sure I hit every tree on the 2nd hole. I would equate my game on 9 holes to Rory McIlroy's performance on Sunday at the Masters. I'm pretty sure the LPGA will not be calling me up anytime soon to play on tour. However, I must say when one group of guy's watched me hit I just crushed the heck out of the ball. I mean it was so good, they all clapped, one guy asked if I played in college. HAHA. Joke is on him that was the first ball I actually hit well. I have to say I felt pretty cool at that moment. SPV! On the last hole I joined up with the guy in front of me. I yanked my ball, we both laughed. I told him I was just learning...he said, "Stacey, stay with it I've been playing for years and I still pull my head up and yank the ball." I think I might have to consider working part time when I'm done with school and just play golf part time. I like hanging out with all the retirees!
After golf I went on a walk. I didn't realize how nice it was till I came home sunburnt. I guess I will have a nice base for my trip to Vegas in 3 weeks. While I was walking I was listening to Dave Matthews, Bartender (watch). Brian always would explain to me the meaning of songs, but as I listened to this song I created my own meaning. I could feel a breeze over me as I listened to this. It was refreshing. It was Brian. This song SCREAMS Brian's last month. "If I go before I'm old, oh brother of mine, please don't forget me." That is Brian, I can't forget him, he is apart of me, he made me who I am today. "And if I die, before my time, oh sweet sister of mine, don't regret me if I die." I hear Brian telling me to let go of my anxiety and worries from the past year. All the regrets, let them go. "Bartender, please fill my glass for me, with the wine you gave Jesus, that set him free after three days down. On bended knees, I pray, bartender please." I think of Brians last days, last moments. I hear the prayers that I said, I hear his voice telling me it will be ok. I hear him asking God to take this away, and peacefully take him in his arms. I see Brian reaching up to Heaven. "Oh, and if this gold, should steal my soul away, oh mother of mine, please redirect me if this gold..." It is the lesson Brian and I learned this year. You can have as many possesions as you want, but when you are gone they don't go with you. We both learned to put time and energy into things that matter, like faith, family, and friends. These relationships is what get you through the hard times, the good times, and the better times. It is funny how Brian still speaks to me, it is through a different medium, but it is him.
I hope you were able to find the energy in life today...and I hope you could find something good about the day.
P.s. I took my laptop to school, got a new keyboard so I can actually use the letters: a, q,w,s, and tab key. YES! Also, I had about 60 updates so hopefully things will be running much smoother. However, I still can't spell check so please no passing judgement, spell check has made my horrible spelling skills worse.
By the way the spottiness on the posts is due to the fact that I've been running around like a crazy woman. Last week I had so many meetings with friends I didn't eat a single meal at home till Friday night, Saturday night I had to decline dinner because I couldn't take eating out again. At least a few meals I ate out were salad. I will try harder this week to stay up on it. I do enjoy my meet and greets with friends so if I don't post that is probably why.
This afternoon I took another step into the new Stacey. I played golf...like real golf..like 9 holes by myself. I went to a course Brian and I had played before so I was at least familiar with it. I think every retired person in the Des Moines area also thoguht to play golf becuase it was packed. I was the youngest by, um, 40 years and I was also the only female. When I went to pay for my round all the old men in the club house were giving me a hard time. I was already scared to play by myself, but I held my own against them and poked fun back at them. It was fun! I'm pretty sure I hit every tree on the 2nd hole. I would equate my game on 9 holes to Rory McIlroy's performance on Sunday at the Masters. I'm pretty sure the LPGA will not be calling me up anytime soon to play on tour. However, I must say when one group of guy's watched me hit I just crushed the heck out of the ball. I mean it was so good, they all clapped, one guy asked if I played in college. HAHA. Joke is on him that was the first ball I actually hit well. I have to say I felt pretty cool at that moment. SPV! On the last hole I joined up with the guy in front of me. I yanked my ball, we both laughed. I told him I was just learning...he said, "Stacey, stay with it I've been playing for years and I still pull my head up and yank the ball." I think I might have to consider working part time when I'm done with school and just play golf part time. I like hanging out with all the retirees!
After golf I went on a walk. I didn't realize how nice it was till I came home sunburnt. I guess I will have a nice base for my trip to Vegas in 3 weeks. While I was walking I was listening to Dave Matthews, Bartender (watch). Brian always would explain to me the meaning of songs, but as I listened to this song I created my own meaning. I could feel a breeze over me as I listened to this. It was refreshing. It was Brian. This song SCREAMS Brian's last month. "If I go before I'm old, oh brother of mine, please don't forget me." That is Brian, I can't forget him, he is apart of me, he made me who I am today. "And if I die, before my time, oh sweet sister of mine, don't regret me if I die." I hear Brian telling me to let go of my anxiety and worries from the past year. All the regrets, let them go. "Bartender, please fill my glass for me, with the wine you gave Jesus, that set him free after three days down. On bended knees, I pray, bartender please." I think of Brians last days, last moments. I hear the prayers that I said, I hear his voice telling me it will be ok. I hear him asking God to take this away, and peacefully take him in his arms. I see Brian reaching up to Heaven. "Oh, and if this gold, should steal my soul away, oh mother of mine, please redirect me if this gold..." It is the lesson Brian and I learned this year. You can have as many possesions as you want, but when you are gone they don't go with you. We both learned to put time and energy into things that matter, like faith, family, and friends. These relationships is what get you through the hard times, the good times, and the better times. It is funny how Brian still speaks to me, it is through a different medium, but it is him.
I hope you were able to find the energy in life today...and I hope you could find something good about the day.
P.s. I took my laptop to school, got a new keyboard so I can actually use the letters: a, q,w,s, and tab key. YES! Also, I had about 60 updates so hopefully things will be running much smoother. However, I still can't spell check so please no passing judgement, spell check has made my horrible spelling skills worse.
By the way the spottiness on the posts is due to the fact that I've been running around like a crazy woman. Last week I had so many meetings with friends I didn't eat a single meal at home till Friday night, Saturday night I had to decline dinner because I couldn't take eating out again. At least a few meals I ate out were salad. I will try harder this week to stay up on it. I do enjoy my meet and greets with friends so if I don't post that is probably why.
Monday, April 11, 2011
SPV-small personal victory
Well Sunday was a day full of SPV's for this girl. In the words of Brian a day where you can find SPV's is a good day. Everyone should be able to find SPV's everyday hence everyday should be a good day. Sunday was a good day.
I started the day by going out to hit golf balls with my sister. I'm in the process of learning how to golf and it was Brian's and I plan to get a season pass this summer...that didn't happen. Brian loved to play golf so I thought it would be a fun sport to play together. Brian was my teacher. He would walk me through the game. He always told me what club to use and when to use it. He would tell me how to improve my swing, how to straighten out my shot, and how to shake the last hit off. I have been really wanting to go play golf so since it was a whopping 87 degrees on Sunday I hit balls. Brian would be so proud. I only topped half the bucket of balls and they other half I hit 100 yards into STRONG wind so really it would have been like 150yards. I hit straight down the center. I have never hit a ball like that before and so consistent. I guess Brian is still teaching me from up above.
After hitting balls my sister and I headed to church. Sadly, this was my first time back to Church since Brian passed. I couldn't muster up the guts to go. I know that is sad. I was strong in my faith the entire time but going to Church brought uneasy feelings. I think because I think of him, I think of the last time we went, the first time we went when he was first diagnosed, I think about how much I prayed and prayed the past year. The bible says put all things up in prayer and your prayer will be answered. Sometimes answers to our prayers aren't the answers we want, that is hard to accept. With every dr. appointment I prayed harder, I read more passages, but in the end it was not the answer I wanted. It is hard to understand. Like all things in life we can try to push away and lead our own life but you have to give up and follow God's path. I'm ready to start that again, it took time.
I told myself a million times that the year 2011 has to be better, then Brian died. Yet somehow I feel glimmers of hope for the year. As much I would trade to still be driving him around to dr. appointments or sitting in a hospital with him I'm relieved that he doesn't have to suffer. I have a weight lifted off my shoulders that he doesn't have to be poked and prodded, that he doesn't have to take 14 pills a day anymore, that he doesn't have to worry and stress about the future or about me. It is hard to believe that is the glimmer of hope I see in the world right now. I don't have to see Brian in and out feeling good and feeling bad. Most people don't see hope in that because it means death, but I do. I lived and watched for 10 months Brian fight, I want him to still fight, but I'm relieved that he gets to take a break and just be happy, eternally happy. I see a new light in my life now, a new hope, brightness in new things and new relationships. I can hold onto enough hope in all that.
My third SPV for the day: the grill. Brian did all the grilling in our house. I have a huge fear of propane and propane explosions. So much so when Brian changed the tank or lit the grill I would step inside and on the opposite side of the house- I'm just crazy. He would always laugh at me. With the nice weather all I could do is crave grilled food, homemade grilled food not restaurant style. I mustered up the guts to whip out the grill, attach a propane tank, and light it! I then marinated some chicken-tequila lime- and seasoned some veggies and grilled the perfect dinner to a good day. Brian and I loved grilling and loved creating new meals to grill. Brian would have loved my dinner. I'm proud that I grilled. I guess a new step on my new path with many more firsts and new things for a new Stacey.
I started the day by going out to hit golf balls with my sister. I'm in the process of learning how to golf and it was Brian's and I plan to get a season pass this summer...that didn't happen. Brian loved to play golf so I thought it would be a fun sport to play together. Brian was my teacher. He would walk me through the game. He always told me what club to use and when to use it. He would tell me how to improve my swing, how to straighten out my shot, and how to shake the last hit off. I have been really wanting to go play golf so since it was a whopping 87 degrees on Sunday I hit balls. Brian would be so proud. I only topped half the bucket of balls and they other half I hit 100 yards into STRONG wind so really it would have been like 150yards. I hit straight down the center. I have never hit a ball like that before and so consistent. I guess Brian is still teaching me from up above.
After hitting balls my sister and I headed to church. Sadly, this was my first time back to Church since Brian passed. I couldn't muster up the guts to go. I know that is sad. I was strong in my faith the entire time but going to Church brought uneasy feelings. I think because I think of him, I think of the last time we went, the first time we went when he was first diagnosed, I think about how much I prayed and prayed the past year. The bible says put all things up in prayer and your prayer will be answered. Sometimes answers to our prayers aren't the answers we want, that is hard to accept. With every dr. appointment I prayed harder, I read more passages, but in the end it was not the answer I wanted. It is hard to understand. Like all things in life we can try to push away and lead our own life but you have to give up and follow God's path. I'm ready to start that again, it took time.
I told myself a million times that the year 2011 has to be better, then Brian died. Yet somehow I feel glimmers of hope for the year. As much I would trade to still be driving him around to dr. appointments or sitting in a hospital with him I'm relieved that he doesn't have to suffer. I have a weight lifted off my shoulders that he doesn't have to be poked and prodded, that he doesn't have to take 14 pills a day anymore, that he doesn't have to worry and stress about the future or about me. It is hard to believe that is the glimmer of hope I see in the world right now. I don't have to see Brian in and out feeling good and feeling bad. Most people don't see hope in that because it means death, but I do. I lived and watched for 10 months Brian fight, I want him to still fight, but I'm relieved that he gets to take a break and just be happy, eternally happy. I see a new light in my life now, a new hope, brightness in new things and new relationships. I can hold onto enough hope in all that.
My third SPV for the day: the grill. Brian did all the grilling in our house. I have a huge fear of propane and propane explosions. So much so when Brian changed the tank or lit the grill I would step inside and on the opposite side of the house- I'm just crazy. He would always laugh at me. With the nice weather all I could do is crave grilled food, homemade grilled food not restaurant style. I mustered up the guts to whip out the grill, attach a propane tank, and light it! I then marinated some chicken-tequila lime- and seasoned some veggies and grilled the perfect dinner to a good day. Brian and I loved grilling and loved creating new meals to grill. Brian would have loved my dinner. I'm proud that I grilled. I guess a new step on my new path with many more firsts and new things for a new Stacey.
Friday, April 8, 2011
2 months
TWO MONTHS have passed. WOW that is all. It feels like a year. I'm not sure why, but it does. The memories are starting to fade and I think it is because time is moving to fast. I miss Brian, I miss his smell, I miss his kisses, I miss his jokes. I really tried not to focus on it today. I put it in the back of my mind.
The craziest thing to me is that people recognize me. SERIOUSLY. Three times at the hospital I've had people recognize me and my story. WEIRD. I had a lady see my 'Just try and ruin my day' band, look at me- I literally saw the look on her face when she put it together- and say hey you are that girl. My face turned beat red and I just said ''um, sure." Another nurse recognized me and said something to another therapist and I also had a patient recognize it. HOW CRAZY. People don't recognize me, they recognize Brian's saying "just try and ruin my day." I think that is kind of cool. He is still making a impression even though he has been gone for two months.
I'm not sure Brian has made connections yet in heaven....the Cubs aren't playing so hot. Another weekend, hopefully it is nice out so I can enjoy the fresh air.
The craziest thing to me is that people recognize me. SERIOUSLY. Three times at the hospital I've had people recognize me and my story. WEIRD. I had a lady see my 'Just try and ruin my day' band, look at me- I literally saw the look on her face when she put it together- and say hey you are that girl. My face turned beat red and I just said ''um, sure." Another nurse recognized me and said something to another therapist and I also had a patient recognize it. HOW CRAZY. People don't recognize me, they recognize Brian's saying "just try and ruin my day." I think that is kind of cool. He is still making a impression even though he has been gone for two months.
I'm not sure Brian has made connections yet in heaven....the Cubs aren't playing so hot. Another weekend, hopefully it is nice out so I can enjoy the fresh air.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
sometimes you just need a shoulder,a shoulder that has been there
Tonight I enjoyed a nice meal at a friends house. This dear friend was someone we met in the hospital and her and Brian had an instant connection (they both had lymphoma) and became walking buddies as they received chemo. She recently too lost her husband (2 wks after Brian) to liver cancer. It was nice to sit and talk to someone who has been down the same path and at the same time and understands what you feel. She made me a delicious pasta dish, that was just amazing. We talked, we got teary eyed, we both declared how you just have to pick up and move on.
My mother in-law always says "its a God thing", because most times it is. Meeting this couple was a God thing. We connected on some many levels, Brian and I saw them as Christian role models for us. The wife was also a physical therapist so tonight we talked about my internship and just PT in general.
Today was just 'one of those days'. So I'm happy I had a good shoulder to go to after work. Today I had to venture to the Vent unit in the hospital. It was pretty overwhelming at first because the people up there are pretty ill. While I was reviewing a chart I over heard a doctor in a room asking the patient on the ventilator is she wanted to continue on all the life sustaining measures. The family was pretty upset and they did have a big decision to make. It brought back a lot of reminders of the end with Brian. I got chocked up a little bit but quickly could calm down.
When it came time to making decisions Brian and I both had to set boundaries together. As hard as it was to have conversations about life sustaining measures we had to. Brian had the ultimate say but we both agreed that when it was time it was time. I'm thankful Brian went quickly and that he went peacefully. I don't think I could have watched Brian be intubated or anything. I don't want those memories...I don't like the memory I have of his last hours. That wasn't Brian, I don't want to remember him like that. Those last few hours weren't my husband. I couldn't sit and watch him be like that for more then the few hours I had to. When I think of Brian I see him smiling, I hear his voice, I see a brightness of energy that surrounds his persona. When he was laying in that hospice bed I didn't see that. It is hard to let go of your loved ones, but at some point you have to, you have to understand they will be in a better place. I told Brian at 12:20 it was ok for him to let go, that all though he was physically letting go he was still holding on, he would still be there. He did so at 1:30- 1:45. I have to tell myself this time to time. He is still here, he is still holding onto me.
* fair warning, my laptop is fading fast, there is likely to be many errors in the posts to come.
My mother in-law always says "its a God thing", because most times it is. Meeting this couple was a God thing. We connected on some many levels, Brian and I saw them as Christian role models for us. The wife was also a physical therapist so tonight we talked about my internship and just PT in general.
Today was just 'one of those days'. So I'm happy I had a good shoulder to go to after work. Today I had to venture to the Vent unit in the hospital. It was pretty overwhelming at first because the people up there are pretty ill. While I was reviewing a chart I over heard a doctor in a room asking the patient on the ventilator is she wanted to continue on all the life sustaining measures. The family was pretty upset and they did have a big decision to make. It brought back a lot of reminders of the end with Brian. I got chocked up a little bit but quickly could calm down.
When it came time to making decisions Brian and I both had to set boundaries together. As hard as it was to have conversations about life sustaining measures we had to. Brian had the ultimate say but we both agreed that when it was time it was time. I'm thankful Brian went quickly and that he went peacefully. I don't think I could have watched Brian be intubated or anything. I don't want those memories...I don't like the memory I have of his last hours. That wasn't Brian, I don't want to remember him like that. Those last few hours weren't my husband. I couldn't sit and watch him be like that for more then the few hours I had to. When I think of Brian I see him smiling, I hear his voice, I see a brightness of energy that surrounds his persona. When he was laying in that hospice bed I didn't see that. It is hard to let go of your loved ones, but at some point you have to, you have to understand they will be in a better place. I told Brian at 12:20 it was ok for him to let go, that all though he was physically letting go he was still holding on, he would still be there. He did so at 1:30- 1:45. I have to tell myself this time to time. He is still here, he is still holding onto me.
* fair warning, my laptop is fading fast, there is likely to be many errors in the posts to come.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
One year!
Well Friday April, 1st was the one year anniversary of the day that changed my life forever. It was the day Brian was told he had lymphoma. Brian's diagnosis began with a lump that popped up very quickly under his arm. I finally had to drag him into our family practice doctor who decided to do an MRI (thinking it was a fluid filled sac from a muscle pull). The day after Brian's MRI (April 1st) we got a phone call from our doctor saying it was probable of lymphoma. Within 45 min of that phone call we received a phone call from our oncologist's office saying we could be seen the next day (Friday April 2). After meeting with our oncologist we were scheduled for surgery to biopsy his lump and that Monday we had pre-op with our surgeon and Tuesday we had surgery. Within 5 days of learning his MRI was abnormal Brian was told he had cancer and had surgery. From day 1 everything moved fast. When they biopsied his arm it had to be sent to Mayo for special testing. It took Mayo 3 weeks to pin point his exact type of cancer. Brian had a pretty new, rare, aggressive, and combination of two types of lymphoma. I always told Brian if he is going to do something he is going all out. Like if he made dinner he had to use all the dishes, if he cleaned the shower it was a 5 hour project with steps that make no sense. He was just unique, even when it came to having cancer.
I thought about the one year anniversary earlier last week but completely forgot until about mid day on Friday. I think it was good I forgot because I had a pretty big pit in the bottom of my stomach the rest of the day. It seems like time has flown by. It seems like it has been more then 2 months since he has left. It seems more then a year since we found out he had cancer. So much has happened the past year I feel like it has been two years. When Brian broke his foot in December I told him to think how much better the year 2011 will be. We thought we were starting a new year and saying good bye to a bad 2010. Little did we know 2011 didn't bring much better news either. The entire year I kept telling myself things can't get worse. They did. Things got a lot worse, I'm a widow. However, as bad as things got, I don't feel like life is over. I see hope, and see hope because I realize now that life isn't up to us. We all have a destiny, all we can do is accept it and enjoy what life is.
I used to be the biggest planner you will ever meet. So much so I had a 10 yr plan when I first started college at 18. I had a plan to finish school, not get in a relationship until I was done with PT school, kids at 30. That plan went out the window at age 19 when I met Brian. I was married at 22. Now I don't make long term plans let alone mid-term plans. All my classmates are interviewing for jobs, I haven't even started to look. I can't do anything till September so why rush into something. I know someone else has a plan for me so I will just wait and let that plan unfold instead of making my own.
Luckily, Friday was salvaged by one of my best friends and roommate from college. She came to visit and we had so much fun. It was nice to catch up, grab dinner, and just have fun. Today I went to Cirque du soleil. It was in Des Moines and I heard so many good things so I convinced my sister to go with me. It was the Asian show "dralion''. IT WAS SO AWESOME. It is crazy how those people can move around, freaky, but intriguing. This show got me excited because in exactly one month I will be going to VEGAS (and rumored to be going to the Beatles Cirque Du Soleil). Yep, I booked a trip to Vegas, with the 'RENTS. 25 & single who wouldn't want to go to Vegas with your parents? Just kidding mom and dad. There is a big group going and my sister and I squeezed in the mix. Brian LOVED, LOVED Vegas...I think it is right behind Wriglyville and Kinnick. We always wanted to go but couldn't afford it or squeeze it in with my school. It will be my first time going, I'm excited, but wish Brian could be there.
I'm now looking into taking a trip this summer after I'm done with school...one last big trip before I really have to settle in and be responsible and find a job.
The Cubs opened the weekend 1-2. I think our little angel in the outfield must be napping....or him and Ron Santo are having way to much fun they didn't notice they Cubs lost.
I thought about the one year anniversary earlier last week but completely forgot until about mid day on Friday. I think it was good I forgot because I had a pretty big pit in the bottom of my stomach the rest of the day. It seems like time has flown by. It seems like it has been more then 2 months since he has left. It seems more then a year since we found out he had cancer. So much has happened the past year I feel like it has been two years. When Brian broke his foot in December I told him to think how much better the year 2011 will be. We thought we were starting a new year and saying good bye to a bad 2010. Little did we know 2011 didn't bring much better news either. The entire year I kept telling myself things can't get worse. They did. Things got a lot worse, I'm a widow. However, as bad as things got, I don't feel like life is over. I see hope, and see hope because I realize now that life isn't up to us. We all have a destiny, all we can do is accept it and enjoy what life is.
I used to be the biggest planner you will ever meet. So much so I had a 10 yr plan when I first started college at 18. I had a plan to finish school, not get in a relationship until I was done with PT school, kids at 30. That plan went out the window at age 19 when I met Brian. I was married at 22. Now I don't make long term plans let alone mid-term plans. All my classmates are interviewing for jobs, I haven't even started to look. I can't do anything till September so why rush into something. I know someone else has a plan for me so I will just wait and let that plan unfold instead of making my own.
Luckily, Friday was salvaged by one of my best friends and roommate from college. She came to visit and we had so much fun. It was nice to catch up, grab dinner, and just have fun. Today I went to Cirque du soleil. It was in Des Moines and I heard so many good things so I convinced my sister to go with me. It was the Asian show "dralion''. IT WAS SO AWESOME. It is crazy how those people can move around, freaky, but intriguing. This show got me excited because in exactly one month I will be going to VEGAS (and rumored to be going to the Beatles Cirque Du Soleil). Yep, I booked a trip to Vegas, with the 'RENTS. 25 & single who wouldn't want to go to Vegas with your parents? Just kidding mom and dad. There is a big group going and my sister and I squeezed in the mix. Brian LOVED, LOVED Vegas...I think it is right behind Wriglyville and Kinnick. We always wanted to go but couldn't afford it or squeeze it in with my school. It will be my first time going, I'm excited, but wish Brian could be there.
I'm now looking into taking a trip this summer after I'm done with school...one last big trip before I really have to settle in and be responsible and find a job.
The Cubs opened the weekend 1-2. I think our little angel in the outfield must be napping....or him and Ron Santo are having way to much fun they didn't notice they Cubs lost.
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