This is a fair warning, this post will be long (like most of my posts). Brian asked me last time he was in the hospital to write a post based on my perspective from day 1. I put it off till now partly because I was trying to collect my thoughts so it would be coherent and of course lack of time (remember all free time I have is enjoying life with Brian, even if it is making berry smoothies or cutting vegetables for veggie lasagna together). However, if there is one thing I have learned from all this don't put off today something to do for tomorrow because you never know.
Keeping my new found glory in mind lets go back to day 1, April 1, 2010 (the worst April Fool's Day ever). I can tell you more details about this day then I can about my wedding day. I was sitting in a lunch meeting listening to a potential faculty candidate present a lecture. My phone kept ringing (on silent) and I saw it was Brian. In my head I thought oh geez what does he want to do after work now...happy hour whatever. I couldn't answer my phone because I was in this meeting but I finally saw an email alert pop up on my outlook that was titled "CALL ME NOW...ASAP". Still not thinking it was anything important the lunch ended at that same time. I gathered my things headed to class while calling Brian at the same time.
When Brian answered he was quiet...finally he uttered the words ''The doctor called about my MRI." To recap Brian woke up new years day with a giant lump under his arm. Being the excellent PT student I am I started palpating, strength testing, rang of motion testing, etc. My initial thought was he tore a muscle. I told him to go to the doctor for weeks but he wouldn't listen because he didn't want to have surgery to fix his muscle (lesson one for PT student- don't assume anything if it doesn't make sense GO TO THE DOCTOR, trust your instinct!) So we saw our family doctor who decided to get an MRI.
Back to the story... Brian then followed with, "Stacey, they think it is cancer it was not muscular in orgin." At that one moment I literally felt like the world had ended. In one word my heart dropped to the floor, my school bag fell, all my muscles felt like noodles, and the only thing I could do is cry. I told my husband to come get me from school. The 15 minutes he took to come and get me felt like hours. In 15 minutes my mind went crazy. I thought why didn't I make him go in sooner this is my fault, why didn't I wake him up this morning and say I LOVE YOU before I left, why didn't I make his lunch, why, why, why. Within 30 minutes of the initial call from our doctor our Oncologist called and told us that we would be seen the next day over the noon hour. That to me was a relief, we didn't have to wait all weekend for news that was going to change our life.
We went home, sat on the couch ( I cried some more) Brian was strong and we talked about it. I know it wasn't my fault, I know I did as much as I could but it was just my initial thought. Not one point through this did Brian and I ask 'why us'. From the initial moments we knew that although we don't know why this happening there was and is a reason. We were never mad or angry just stunned.
The only thing Brian had to say to me was that he wants to be normal. He doesn't want people to think of him as the sick kid or the cancer kid or anything like that. He just wanted normal. After I had calmed down we decided to go grocery shopping, why who knows, we just wanted normalcy and groceries are normal. I will never forget grocery shopping. Brian is the ONLY person in the world who can be told he has cancer and then can go to store and make it a POINT to look every person he passed in the eye and say hello there, have a GREAT day! Who does that? Only Brian. I remember pushing the cart just laughing.
We came home, I cried some more, and by then we had told the first person, my older sister who is a doctor. She sent us some reading material on lymphoma (which is what they initially thought from the MRI). I read that article and had I thought on my mind. Everything for cancer survival is based on 5 years. Well for me five years was not enough, I need more then 5 years I need numbers for 70 year survival rates. Brian is my everything I'm not sure how I functioned without him before we were married. He truly is my compliment and brings it out the goodness in me. Five years was not enough time for me I needed more.
I tried to distract myself and studied (I had a test the next day) that was the most efficient studying I had ever done. As I studied Brian sat next to me. I made him watch old episodes of Modern Family online to make him laugh as well as allow me to study. For about three weeks there after Brian and I were attached at the hip. If you came over and saw me in the kitchen Brian was right there.
As you can imagine we didn't sleep much that night, actually none at all. We mainly just laid there wondering what the next day would bring. Brian didn't go to work on Friday April 2 however I went to school to take a test then went home.
Friday we went to our appointment at the cancer center, and I remember thinking 'I' didn't think we would be at this place, at least not for decades''. We met our oncologist, whom we love. He was honest with us from the beginning and didn't sugar coat anything. He told us what the next few weeks would be like. It appeared to be lymphatic however it was not 100% so he was able to get us in for a biopsy the following Monday and Tuesday. The biopsy would confirm what type of cancer Brian had and would determine the treatment plan.
We left Friday with a positive outlook. Lymphoma is one of the most curable cancer's and that was a relief for two people in their twenties, who are newly weds, living on one income, and the other in medical school. We weren't mad at what was happening, in fact we began to embrace it and make sense of what was going on. In 24 hours we became closer as husband and wife. Our marriage became stronger and we learned that you can never put off something for today to do tomorrow. I will never again forget to say I love you or forget to take one second out of my day to give Brian a hug or kiss.
The rest of the weekend was spent enjoying each other's company and enjoying the life we had been given. We had so much fun that weekend and I can honestly say we did nothing. We laid around the house, talked, and watched a movie with popcorn. You learn to reconnect and learn you don't have to go to a fancy meal, to a movie, to a play, on vacation in order to do that. All you need is each other and no other distractions, just the realization of how amazing life is and how amazing it is that one person can make your life worth living.
I will end for tonight and continue our story tomorrow. I promise to not have it be so long in the future but the first 48 hours were note worthy.
Brian and I are using this blog as a way to write down our experience to share with our kids someday and perhaps even write a book. Thanks for being apart of our journey.
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