And life continues to go on

My apologies, once again, busy week with little time to write.  Last weekend I took a quick trip to watch my favorite 12 yr old play hockey and play legos with my favorite 8 yo.  I guess a positive  I can hold my hat on right now in life, is that I literally have no commitments so I can pick up and leave on a moments notice.  So I did just that last weekend.  My family was in California finishing up some odds and ends from my grandpa's passing and celebrating my older sisters graduation from her internal medicine residency (congrats Rachael!).  Unfortunately, I could not attend such festivities as I had to work.  So since I couldn't fly to California I quickly hopped in the car and drove to Minneapolis.  Per most of my recent trips this was also a very fun trip and a good escape from stress.  It was nice to meet new people, re-unite with old friends, and watch my favorite pre-teen dominate in hockey.  However, I notice after I watch hockey I have an urge to check every person that crosses me (probably not a good thing, but kind of a fun feeling).

On my way home from the cities I got a disheartening phone call from a friend.  A near and dear friend to Brian and I through out the year was on the same path as Brian.  Her and Brian were both fighting lymphoma and she was able to go to transplant this Sept., however, her transplant didn't take and like Brian her cancer spread, and spread quickly.  She was released from the hospital on Tuesday to start home hospice so I was thankfully able to visit with her Wednesday and say good bye in peaceful and joyful way.  She lost her husband in March to liver cancer.  Her and her husband where such inspirations to Brian and I as they gave us hope and helped us to have trust in our faith.  They were an amazing couple who went through so much but still had the energy to smile and care for others.

Wednesday as I sat with my friend she told me that she would tell Brian hello and that she would check in on him for me.  The thing I appreciated the most about my friend is that we were always able to be realistic and live in the moment.  When you are holding a loved ones hand as they are literally on their death bed it is hard to say the words you want to say or to be as honest as you want to be, but you have to have the courage to do it.  You are fearful of what to say and scared to say the truth.  Her and I were never like that. We could be dead honest.  When I sat with her I thought, man, what do I say to this women.  And just as normal we talked about the truth that was in our hearts and minds.  There was no sugar coating what the next days were to bring there was not jumping around thoughts. Brutal honesty.  I know that on Friday afternoon when my friend said good-bye to the mortal world Brian and her husband were there to welcome her into heaven's gates.  I know Brian was excited to be reunited with his walking buddy (they would walk the hospital halls during chemo).  Somehow I'm relieved because I know Brian will be getting his exercise up there now, one less thing to worry about (hopefully he is still getting his vegetables :)  ).

As much as you try to enjoy the holiday weekend and soak up the fun that July 4th brings, in the back of my mind all I could think about was my friend.  Not sadness because she is in a much better place but- I'm not sure of the words- it is hard to explain.  Being with her this week was a stark reminder of Brian's last week.  Her progression was Brian's progression.  One thing however, after yet another passing of a close friend/relative, life still goes on.  Life doesn't stop, time doesn't stop, the world trenches forward.  You have to grieve and grieving never stops but you find ways to go on with life because life goes on.  You find pleasure in small things such as watching a kid play baseball or hockey or building legos, you find pleasure in taking an afternoon or weekend off from the repetitive motion that is life to do something spontaneous.  Life goes on, small cherish-able moments continue to occur,  you have to remember that and hold onto that, and appreciate that as hard as it may be.

Life goes on...the only thing left you can do is to go on with it.

Always and forever!

I am so excited!  I took Brian's wedding ring in and designed a new ring with his wedding band and the diamonds from my ring.  I was able to use everything but my MASSIVE very respectable princess cut diamond, which, I'm turning into a necklace.  YAY! I wasn't sure how the ring would turn out, but it is absolutely amazing, perfect, and I'm pretty sure I smiled just as big as I did the day Brian purposed.  On the inside I had the phrase "always and forever" engraved because that is what Brian would always tell me.  It is weird that I know it is his wedding ring but with its upgrade it doesn't look like it.  However, I know he is with me, I guess a physical presence of him.  I decided to sell my bands, what, gold is at a premium right now and I have a strict no income budget that needs so fluffing, besides what do you do with bands that literally have nothing in them?

Also, before I completely emptied out the closet of clothes I took some of Brian's T-shirts and made a t-shirt quilt.  Well my beloved mother in-law had it made for me.  I have a giant queen size quilt with shirts that remind me of Brian.  Some of them include his lovely stripped polos that SCREAM Brian when I look at them.  I also had one made with his Iowa shirts.  I personally can't wait for this one to come because I know rooting on the Hawks this fall wrapped up in that blanket will be the most peaceful thing on this earth, especially since I didn't get tickets since I didn't know where or what I would be doing (regretting that decision).


I hate complaining, but I have to complain.  One thing that is DRIVING ME INSANE, is the phrase "I can't imagine being in your shoes."  If you can't imagine then don't!  Don't imagine it, don't make judgements, don't say anything!  UGH, that is hard.  I hate having this feeling of judgement.  I hate having eyes looking at my moves in life.  Perhaps, I deserve it because I have a public blog, but it drives me nuts.  When is it time to move on? When is it too soon or not soon enough?  WHEN?  who can answer this?  NO ONE.  I'm not sure the answer, but I can tell you, live goes one, it has to.  My past is my past, everyone has a past.  I love my past, but I accept that Brian is not going to walk in the door one day and life is back to its peaceful normalcy.  That just isn't going to happen.  I can sit at home and hope and pray it does, but it wont.  You have to pick up your boot straps and move on.  I don't mind talking about Brian but I hate people telling me how 'amazing I am' etc. I hate hearing that. I'm not amazing, I'm pretty sure anyone in that situation would step up to the plate and do everything in their power to help the one they loved.  I'm not a super hero, I'm just a wife who took a vow in sickness in health till death do us part.  So I followed through on my word.

I wish the roles were reverse.  I think Brian would be much better at rebuilding then me.  He is naturally an optimistic, friendly, confident person.  Before now I've always had school which was a crutch for me.  It forced me to have something to do.  Now without school (I can only study for so long independently without being forced to by constantly having tests) I find myself yearning for social interactions and outings.  I remember when Brian and I first moved here and he was so mad that mediacom didn't carry all the Cubs games he would go to a bar up the street to watch the games.   I thought about doing this, but I'm scared.  AHHH, what do you do when you walk in and sit down at 5 pm on Wednesday night?  Does that make you an alcoholic, even though you really don't want to drink you just hope you can have meaningless conversation with a stranger that will occupy 2-3 hours of your night?  Do people then think you've hit the deep end?  The hard part for me is at one time I lost my love and graduated- meaning majority of my social circle scattered.  This stinks, try rebuilding all that. I didn't think I was an extremely social person but wow have I been proven wrong, this must be what it is like not to have your nose in a book.  I enjoyed my time at the hospital because literally I got to do nothing but converse with complete strangers from all planes of life.  From this I learned every person comes from a past, as hard as that past is, you have to accept it.  I guess I can narrow down my job search...do employers advertise "extremely social business, applicant must enjoy talking?"  Funny thing, I only like talking to strangers, I think because I feel like they aren't picking me apart, forming thoughts,  saying "i can't imagine being in your shoes."  I enjoy meeting a new person, knowing all they know about me is that I'm Stacey.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I asked my good college friend last night on the phone, if I can just rent a dog to go to the dog park?  I feel like that is a good conversation starter, "you have a dog, me too!"  While chatting to her, the multi-tasker in me, I was on a bike ride on the bike trail.  My friend asked what and how I was doing both.  I said, "If I'm lucky I will fall sprain an ankle right in front of cute boy and then he and his big muscles will have to save me and carry me off the trail till a fire truck filled with cute firemen arrive to splint me up."  She laughed,  I think I have watched way to many lifetime movies, perhaps sitting at a bar is not a bad idea so I don't watch anymore lifetime movies.  The other problem I'm facing movies.  Man there is a really good IMAX movie about the human body that I want to see.  I haven't yet mustered up the guts to go alone.  Can you invite strangers to go see movies on the human body with you?  Maybe I can pay a person on the street to go with me?  Brian would be much better at this, he didn't care how dumb he looked.  As once being married I have a new outlook on single people.  Brian and I hung out with nothing but single people for the majority of our lives together.  We always had our single friends over for dinner or drinks, like constantly, we could have almost had speed dating in our home.  However, with all our encounters I never took time to think about what it is was like to be them, to go home to an empty bed, to not have someone to talk to, what do they do at night?  It is a completely new world as I have lived two very different ways.

I have to move on, when is it the right time?  I think I'm the only person that knows that and can feel that.  What everyone else thinks doesn't matter, so don't try to make it matter.  I don't have regrets and I don't have a heavy heart.  That is enough for me.