oh what a weekend!

Well the weekend was just as crazy as I anticipated.  All the celebrations have left me physically exhausted and in pain.  My stomach is not so happy with all the celebration food.  I think this week I will be on a strict diet of grass and Metamucil to counter act five days of eating out, although I have found some new food treasures in Des Moines.

Graduation came and flew by.  It seems unreal that I'm already done with school.  Three years!  It is a huge accomplishment for me and I can say I'm proud that I did it and did it with a lot on my plate at once.  I look back at undergrad and think about all the times I would become stressed with finals, tests, work and Brian was always there. He was there to calm me down and help me to re-focus.  I look back at the past three years and especially the past year and realize how much I have grown up, all at 25.

Luckily, I focused my attention on the positives about this weekend and kept myself composed.  At times things became hard, but for the most part it was a pretty amazing weekend.  Instead of letting my emotions of not having my biggest supporter next to me get the best of me, I focused on the people around me.  I focused on the faces that I endured a lot with the past three years and focused on the idea that most of them I would not see again.  Spending time with the friends Brian and I had in my class was what I needed to get me through.  My close friends at school are the reason my transition to finish school happened.  A few times on Saturday I felt the urge to cry but I composed myself and told myself Brian was there.  This year has been tough, but one thing I've learned, I can survive and I will survive.

With all the celebrations of my graduation my family and I's hearts were heavy.  Thursday morning my grandfather passed.  As much of an accomplishment as graduating is, it is heard to fully focus on it when your hearts ache.  Sunday morning my mom had to catch a plane to meet her brother and sister to help them out with the final arrangements.  Thankfully, they were able to make it happen so that my mom could be with us on my big day.  THANK YOU!  This makes my third family member to pass since February.  I keep telling myself the year is going to turn around...I'm still waiting for that to happen.  As I wait I just continue to remind myself to focus on the blessings in my life, which there are plenty of.

Thanks for all your support the past year!  Your encouragement also helped me succeed.  Thank you mom and dad and my sisters and my in-laws for supporting me, I appreciate everything!

P.s.  Hopefully I will become better at posting since my wonderful family was gracious enough to buy me a new laptop for graduation.  I think everyone around me was tired of listening to me complain about my old one ( I don't like to complain....but that thing drove me nuts!)  I haven't had my new computer freeze once, I have gone two days without restarting it, and all my keys work!  Thanks mom and dad!

Bittersweet

This week and last week are bittersweet.  We took the last steps in the process of saying good-bye and buried Brian.  It was a nice ceremony on a gloomy, rainy day.  I know Brian was there with us....because they accidentally dug up the wrong grave.  They apologized to me, but I thought it was kind of funny.  It was a hard day but at the end of the day I feel at peace.  Here are some pictures.

We released Black and Gold balloons in honor of Brian!

I saved my flower wreath from Brian's funeral and it dried out so beautifully, so I thought it was perfect to bring to his grave.

This week is bittersweet because it is graduation week for me.  I'm glad to finally be done with school, well for the most part, but some of the last words Brian said to me was that his only wish was that he would make it to graduation, then he said , "I guess that isn't going to work out."  I know he is watching from above but I wish he could be next to me as I celebrate this big accomplishment because without him I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have succeeded like I did.  Although, I want to celebrate....I just want this weekend to be over so all the emotions can be put behind me.  It should be fun to see all my classmates again, but I'm scared since this is the first time I will see most since Brian's death.  You have no idea what it is like to be a widow and go to group outings for the first time.   It is so stressful and very awkward.  I have found a new comfort zone with some new friends I've made and I can see me using them as my crutch to get through this weekend. 

Yesterday I headed out to the ball park to cheer on the I Cubs.  One of mine and Brian's new favorite Cubs player was recently demoted back to the I Cubs :( so since yesterday was $1 general admission tickets (I have a strict budget now...$1 tickets are hard to pass up for entertainment) I went to the ball park.  As I waited in line a gentlemen came up to me asked if I needed to tickets and then gave me two free tickets (two tickets that weren't $1, instead I got to sit at 1st base).  WOW, I now have made it my mission this week to pay it forward to a complete stranger.  I'm trying to find ways but the perfect opportunity to surprise a stranger and make their day has yet to arise.  I couldn't believe he gave us two free tickets, what an awesome day!  Unfortunately, the Icubs struggled hitting the ball and struggled more with pitching.  However,  I still had fun and enjoyed an excellent evening at the ballpark!  



You probably won't hear from me till Sunday more then likely Monday because I will be busy running around like crazy for graduation.  I have activities everyday starting Thursday, but my sister comes into town tomorrow.  I'm sure I will need Monday to sleep!

Internalization

You may think I have been slacking...but in reality I have not.  This week has been a rough week and before I air out all my dirty laundry I did what Stacey does best.  I internalize, I think stuff through, I create a plan, and move on. 

After Brian passed away my parents created a memorial scholarship in Brian's name at his high school in Center Point.  This week the seniors of the school had their annual awards ceremony, where we awarded the recipient of  'the just try and ruin my day' scholarship.  Awarding the scholarship didn't really bother me, when Brian's memory was described I got some chills, but otherwise the day was OK.  That was the first time I had been in Brian's high school.

I think the hardest part of the day was meeting new faces.  I hate facing people for the first since Brian passed.  I hate everything about it.  I hate being told, "Sorry for your loss."  I know it is just the social norm, but I HATE IT, just like I hate talking about what I write on here ( I don't write for you all I write for me, I can clear my mind with this, so I hate being asked about personal things I write). I'm sure prior to this I had said this to others in this situation, but now after my experience I hate hearing it.  I'm not sure why I hate it, perhaps because it is so general and impersonal, or maybe I just don't feel like I lost something.  I mean I did loose the love of my life, but we did everything in our power to fight, we fought so hard, we loved each other so much, we lived life as much as we could, we relied on our faith and our faith got us through, in the end there were bigger plans then we could understand.  I'm not mad, sometimes I'm sad,  I don't feel like I lost, I gave it my all and I don't regret anything.  I wish people would just say the brutal truth.  Say what you think, say "it sucks", don't sugar coat it because there is nothing to sugar coat.  The loss of a loved one sucks, it is not easy no matter what the scenario is. 

This week I'm on break from school. I finished up one internship, I graduate next weekend, then I have one more internship to make up from when Brian was sick and I took a leave of absence.  Since I have time this week I finally sat down to pack up all of Brian's things.  I packed up half of his closet back in Feb. but until I figured out the perfect place to take his things I decided to hold off.  Brian and I both discussed it and decided we wanted all of his clothes to be donated to the homeless.  We did not want someone to buy it, we wanted to legitimately give it to someone going through a hard time in hopes they can use it to start over in life.  We were given so much the past year we wanted to give his clothes to people in dire need.  I found an organization through our church that does just that.  I kept some of his clothes that had special memories for me.  I kept some shirts that when I see them I just think "Brian"- his striped Polo's that he wore all the time. His favorite T-shirts  I kept to make some quilts.  Otherwise, everything else is gone.  I think the quilt will be enough for me to hold at night to remember him and feel him.  Going through his shirts was hard.  Every shirt I  pulled out I could tell you a story.  His Hawaiian shirt from our Luau party in college, the first night we said I love you, his OAR shirt- all 4 concerts we saw together- I can see us in the front row and I can feel his arm around me during the song 'Hey Girl'. His Blues Traveler shirt- the time we saw them in concert and John Papa invited me backstage and Brian pushed me in so he could meet them.  This was the first week I have really cried since my hike in Tennessee in the mountains.  It has become real.  When I walk in our closet his side is literally empty.  That hits me like a dagger in the heart.  Having his things hanging never bothered me, I guess it was comforting, but seeing nothing is intense.  I guess I could have left them, but I would be delaying the inevitable.  So I let the tears go, packed up his clothes, and am dropping them off today.  Once I did it though, I feel better, I guess another way to let go. 

Tomorrow we are laying Brian to rest.  We did not do that in Feb. partly because the day he passed it was the coldest day of the year and with all the snow it was just going to be a lot.  We also wanted to wait so his best friend could be there and say good-bye.  He was the only one who hasn't had the closure we have all had because he was overseas in the military.  It seems weird to bury him now because it has been so long, but am glad everyone close to Brian has the opportunity to have closure.  It was decided to have a small family ceremony on Saturday so I will post pictures of Brian's grave so you guys can see it. As time goes on my role as his wife seems to fade.  It is a weird identity.  I'm a wife but not a wife.  In the pictures I'm his wife, on our wedding certificate I am.  Right now I feel like I share his name and that is all. My role at times seems to be disregarded by others.   I'm not sure how to take it, maybe it is part of the process.  I'm just not sure.  One thing I've learned is there nothing clear in life after death, there is no set rules on how to.  There are no rules because it is so personal any mass rule would just be negligible.  I've learned not to compare and wonder, I've learned to just live and go with it.  Thankfully, I have people to rely on. 

Have you missed me?

WOW what a long time it has been!  Hopefully, you have found other things to fill your time then reading about me....I'm not that interesting.  Or AM I?  I have decided this weekend my life is far from average....I always thought it was but after my VEGAS VACATION I've come to realize it is not.  Seriously, how many 25 y.o.'s are already widowed?  So I meant to write last week but got caught up with running errands and projects that had to be done before I left for Vegas.  Sorry.  I guess my synopsis of last week---nothing important happened.  This past weekend on the hand= MADNESS.  I wanted to post in Vegas...but it is Vegas and there was not enough time to sleep let alone post, sorry.

So it turns out going to Vegas with your parents is more fun then one can imagine.  Perhaps, to much fun.  I decided late to go to Vegas with my parents so I arrived later then the rest of the group.  I decided to go, because besides Kinnick Stadium Vegas was Brian's favorite place.  He had so many good memories there with his best friends plus he won money for my engagement ring.  (I could not remember what casino he won his poker tourney at b/c he played them all and would talk about them all, they just run together). 

I left Des Moines Thursday after work.  On my way to the airport I was warned by my sister that Denver (my lay over stop) was on security lock down so when I checked in and learned I had a 2 hour delay I was not surprised.  With nothing to do I sat up at the pub & grill upstairs at the airport.  Here, I started my Vegas vacation with a nice conversation with the manager for the Texas Rangers triple A team (they played the ICubs that day and were headed home).  We talked about baseball, sports, and Physical Therapy.  At the end of my conversation he told me I know so much about sports I should consider a job in baseball rehab.  I told him about my possibilities after graduation and he was also considering a change in jobs in any area I was considering so we exchanged information to meet up again (if things work out as planned,  can't give details because I have to protect his identity).  Eating a (horrible) dinner salad at the DSM airport with him and the entire Rangers triple A team was pretty sweet.  A girl can't go wrong being surrounded by a herd of professional athletes.  Anyways, I made it to Denver only to have the next encounter of the night.  I was visiting with a business man at the gate and a lady over heard I was from Iowa and asked if I was that 'gymnist' from Iowa.  I looked at her very confused and said oh no, I'm not Shawn Johnson, I've never been in gymnastics.  She then told me how I look like her because I have broad shoulders...is that a compliment? I haven't figured out the answer to that yet.  After the redness in my face faded it was time to leave Denver and head to  VIVA LAS VEGAS.  However, nothing with Stacey is smooth, so about 5 min. into the flight we had a medical issue that occurred next to me.  I had to help the passenger out until a nurse in the front of the plane could come back.  Luckily, the passenger was OK, but once we landed the EMS was on the runway waiting for us (thus delaying my plane even more).  By the time I got of the plane and made it to my hotel it was about 1am.   I was so exhausted from my exciting night that I couldn't even fathom the fact I was in Vegas. 

Friday, our group rented a cabana so I spent the entire day out under the sunny rays.  It was AMAZING!  I took advantage of the cabana boy, Lucus, and had him bring me margarita's all day. I told my sister, it is not everyday you have a cabana boy so I'm soaking it up....besides, I really think after this past year I deserve to have a cabana boy for one day, right? 

 A refreshing margarita on a 100 deg. day in Vegas

 Perhaps I had too many margaritas at the pool, this is what my dad found after he got off the elevator while my mom who was supposed to be babysitting me left me in the hallway  (to her defense she was peeing her pants because I was making her laugh so hard).

After I showered and got cleaned up we went and had some Champagne before going to the see Cirque De Soliel: LOVE (Beatles).  While I was making the journey to meet the group I ran into a random person in the elevator...who then joined the group.  And then asked me if I would be his date to a wedding Saturday night....only in Vegas and only Stacey.  I didn't make the wedding but I did make him take prom pictures with me! I think we look like Ken and Barbie!!!

It only makes sense that when you know a person for 3 minutes in an elevator they come have champagne with your parents and your parent's friends...then you give them your number, and be their date to a wedding. 

Stacey....was very embarrassed after this!

 So then we did prom poses...duh....

He is my California Ken!  I actually told him, "Whoa, things are moving to fast i just met you, you already met my parents and now I'm your date....by Sunday we will be at the little white chapel ourselves." HAHA



After this photo Opp. we went to the Beatles show....awesome!  Recommend to all.  After the show we went to Margaritaville...yes more margaritas...I don't think I can have one all summer now.  On Saturday we went back to the pool, then we walked the strip so that I could see all of the casinos Brian would rave about.  It was a very long walk by the way.  I must say by the time Sunday came I was ready to leave Vegas.  I was so exhausted and now am battling an unpleasant cold.  I'm not sure how people can do Vegas more then 3 nights and 2 days.  My flight back was just as crazy as my flight to Vegas.  At check-in I realized I lost my credit card so that gave me a big headache and while being flustered about that I managed to set my phone down and forget it.  So I frantically ran around curb-side check in trying to find it....even digging in the garbage (perhaps why I'm sick?).  After asking the gentlemen at the counter 3 times if they had it, one finally looked and found it.  AHHH, can anything ever be smooth, seriously!  When I got up to the gate I decided to take care of my credit card so I was on the phone with the company to the point I about missed my flight.  Luckily, I made it on and the card was taken care of. (I left my card in the bill folder at the restaurant we were at Saturday night, smart)!  I think I will spend this week sleeping on the couch and avoiding being in public because for some reason crazy things happen to me. 

Mom, Allison, and I at the Venetian

Family picture!

I was able to met up with Brian's Cousin Emily Saturday afternoon for lunch at the Venetian!

If it wasn't digging through the garbage to find my phone that got me sick, then it was definitely going to the ice bar in minus 5 deg temperatures and continually licking my cup made out of glass.

Dad and I at the pool!



Thank you mom and dad for a fun weekend trip and good memories, just what I needed!