Internalization

You may think I have been slacking...but in reality I have not.  This week has been a rough week and before I air out all my dirty laundry I did what Stacey does best.  I internalize, I think stuff through, I create a plan, and move on. 

After Brian passed away my parents created a memorial scholarship in Brian's name at his high school in Center Point.  This week the seniors of the school had their annual awards ceremony, where we awarded the recipient of  'the just try and ruin my day' scholarship.  Awarding the scholarship didn't really bother me, when Brian's memory was described I got some chills, but otherwise the day was OK.  That was the first time I had been in Brian's high school.

I think the hardest part of the day was meeting new faces.  I hate facing people for the first since Brian passed.  I hate everything about it.  I hate being told, "Sorry for your loss."  I know it is just the social norm, but I HATE IT, just like I hate talking about what I write on here ( I don't write for you all I write for me, I can clear my mind with this, so I hate being asked about personal things I write). I'm sure prior to this I had said this to others in this situation, but now after my experience I hate hearing it.  I'm not sure why I hate it, perhaps because it is so general and impersonal, or maybe I just don't feel like I lost something.  I mean I did loose the love of my life, but we did everything in our power to fight, we fought so hard, we loved each other so much, we lived life as much as we could, we relied on our faith and our faith got us through, in the end there were bigger plans then we could understand.  I'm not mad, sometimes I'm sad,  I don't feel like I lost, I gave it my all and I don't regret anything.  I wish people would just say the brutal truth.  Say what you think, say "it sucks", don't sugar coat it because there is nothing to sugar coat.  The loss of a loved one sucks, it is not easy no matter what the scenario is. 

This week I'm on break from school. I finished up one internship, I graduate next weekend, then I have one more internship to make up from when Brian was sick and I took a leave of absence.  Since I have time this week I finally sat down to pack up all of Brian's things.  I packed up half of his closet back in Feb. but until I figured out the perfect place to take his things I decided to hold off.  Brian and I both discussed it and decided we wanted all of his clothes to be donated to the homeless.  We did not want someone to buy it, we wanted to legitimately give it to someone going through a hard time in hopes they can use it to start over in life.  We were given so much the past year we wanted to give his clothes to people in dire need.  I found an organization through our church that does just that.  I kept some of his clothes that had special memories for me.  I kept some shirts that when I see them I just think "Brian"- his striped Polo's that he wore all the time. His favorite T-shirts  I kept to make some quilts.  Otherwise, everything else is gone.  I think the quilt will be enough for me to hold at night to remember him and feel him.  Going through his shirts was hard.  Every shirt I  pulled out I could tell you a story.  His Hawaiian shirt from our Luau party in college, the first night we said I love you, his OAR shirt- all 4 concerts we saw together- I can see us in the front row and I can feel his arm around me during the song 'Hey Girl'. His Blues Traveler shirt- the time we saw them in concert and John Papa invited me backstage and Brian pushed me in so he could meet them.  This was the first week I have really cried since my hike in Tennessee in the mountains.  It has become real.  When I walk in our closet his side is literally empty.  That hits me like a dagger in the heart.  Having his things hanging never bothered me, I guess it was comforting, but seeing nothing is intense.  I guess I could have left them, but I would be delaying the inevitable.  So I let the tears go, packed up his clothes, and am dropping them off today.  Once I did it though, I feel better, I guess another way to let go. 

Tomorrow we are laying Brian to rest.  We did not do that in Feb. partly because the day he passed it was the coldest day of the year and with all the snow it was just going to be a lot.  We also wanted to wait so his best friend could be there and say good-bye.  He was the only one who hasn't had the closure we have all had because he was overseas in the military.  It seems weird to bury him now because it has been so long, but am glad everyone close to Brian has the opportunity to have closure.  It was decided to have a small family ceremony on Saturday so I will post pictures of Brian's grave so you guys can see it. As time goes on my role as his wife seems to fade.  It is a weird identity.  I'm a wife but not a wife.  In the pictures I'm his wife, on our wedding certificate I am.  Right now I feel like I share his name and that is all. My role at times seems to be disregarded by others.   I'm not sure how to take it, maybe it is part of the process.  I'm just not sure.  One thing I've learned is there nothing clear in life after death, there is no set rules on how to.  There are no rules because it is so personal any mass rule would just be negligible.  I've learned not to compare and wonder, I've learned to just live and go with it.  Thankfully, I have people to rely on.