Always and forever!

I am so excited!  I took Brian's wedding ring in and designed a new ring with his wedding band and the diamonds from my ring.  I was able to use everything but my MASSIVE very respectable princess cut diamond, which, I'm turning into a necklace.  YAY! I wasn't sure how the ring would turn out, but it is absolutely amazing, perfect, and I'm pretty sure I smiled just as big as I did the day Brian purposed.  On the inside I had the phrase "always and forever" engraved because that is what Brian would always tell me.  It is weird that I know it is his wedding ring but with its upgrade it doesn't look like it.  However, I know he is with me, I guess a physical presence of him.  I decided to sell my bands, what, gold is at a premium right now and I have a strict no income budget that needs so fluffing, besides what do you do with bands that literally have nothing in them?

Also, before I completely emptied out the closet of clothes I took some of Brian's T-shirts and made a t-shirt quilt.  Well my beloved mother in-law had it made for me.  I have a giant queen size quilt with shirts that remind me of Brian.  Some of them include his lovely stripped polos that SCREAM Brian when I look at them.  I also had one made with his Iowa shirts.  I personally can't wait for this one to come because I know rooting on the Hawks this fall wrapped up in that blanket will be the most peaceful thing on this earth, especially since I didn't get tickets since I didn't know where or what I would be doing (regretting that decision).


I hate complaining, but I have to complain.  One thing that is DRIVING ME INSANE, is the phrase "I can't imagine being in your shoes."  If you can't imagine then don't!  Don't imagine it, don't make judgements, don't say anything!  UGH, that is hard.  I hate having this feeling of judgement.  I hate having eyes looking at my moves in life.  Perhaps, I deserve it because I have a public blog, but it drives me nuts.  When is it time to move on? When is it too soon or not soon enough?  WHEN?  who can answer this?  NO ONE.  I'm not sure the answer, but I can tell you, live goes one, it has to.  My past is my past, everyone has a past.  I love my past, but I accept that Brian is not going to walk in the door one day and life is back to its peaceful normalcy.  That just isn't going to happen.  I can sit at home and hope and pray it does, but it wont.  You have to pick up your boot straps and move on.  I don't mind talking about Brian but I hate people telling me how 'amazing I am' etc. I hate hearing that. I'm not amazing, I'm pretty sure anyone in that situation would step up to the plate and do everything in their power to help the one they loved.  I'm not a super hero, I'm just a wife who took a vow in sickness in health till death do us part.  So I followed through on my word.

I wish the roles were reverse.  I think Brian would be much better at rebuilding then me.  He is naturally an optimistic, friendly, confident person.  Before now I've always had school which was a crutch for me.  It forced me to have something to do.  Now without school (I can only study for so long independently without being forced to by constantly having tests) I find myself yearning for social interactions and outings.  I remember when Brian and I first moved here and he was so mad that mediacom didn't carry all the Cubs games he would go to a bar up the street to watch the games.   I thought about doing this, but I'm scared.  AHHH, what do you do when you walk in and sit down at 5 pm on Wednesday night?  Does that make you an alcoholic, even though you really don't want to drink you just hope you can have meaningless conversation with a stranger that will occupy 2-3 hours of your night?  Do people then think you've hit the deep end?  The hard part for me is at one time I lost my love and graduated- meaning majority of my social circle scattered.  This stinks, try rebuilding all that. I didn't think I was an extremely social person but wow have I been proven wrong, this must be what it is like not to have your nose in a book.  I enjoyed my time at the hospital because literally I got to do nothing but converse with complete strangers from all planes of life.  From this I learned every person comes from a past, as hard as that past is, you have to accept it.  I guess I can narrow down my job search...do employers advertise "extremely social business, applicant must enjoy talking?"  Funny thing, I only like talking to strangers, I think because I feel like they aren't picking me apart, forming thoughts,  saying "i can't imagine being in your shoes."  I enjoy meeting a new person, knowing all they know about me is that I'm Stacey.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I asked my good college friend last night on the phone, if I can just rent a dog to go to the dog park?  I feel like that is a good conversation starter, "you have a dog, me too!"  While chatting to her, the multi-tasker in me, I was on a bike ride on the bike trail.  My friend asked what and how I was doing both.  I said, "If I'm lucky I will fall sprain an ankle right in front of cute boy and then he and his big muscles will have to save me and carry me off the trail till a fire truck filled with cute firemen arrive to splint me up."  She laughed,  I think I have watched way to many lifetime movies, perhaps sitting at a bar is not a bad idea so I don't watch anymore lifetime movies.  The other problem I'm facing movies.  Man there is a really good IMAX movie about the human body that I want to see.  I haven't yet mustered up the guts to go alone.  Can you invite strangers to go see movies on the human body with you?  Maybe I can pay a person on the street to go with me?  Brian would be much better at this, he didn't care how dumb he looked.  As once being married I have a new outlook on single people.  Brian and I hung out with nothing but single people for the majority of our lives together.  We always had our single friends over for dinner or drinks, like constantly, we could have almost had speed dating in our home.  However, with all our encounters I never took time to think about what it is was like to be them, to go home to an empty bed, to not have someone to talk to, what do they do at night?  It is a completely new world as I have lived two very different ways.

I have to move on, when is it the right time?  I think I'm the only person that knows that and can feel that.  What everyone else thinks doesn't matter, so don't try to make it matter.  I don't have regrets and I don't have a heavy heart.  That is enough for me.

a little fresh air to provide you with some clarity!

Another week has flown by!  This weekend I had another wedding to attend.  Last weekend I attended a wedding for Brian's classmate and it was a very wonderful ceremony, I wish he could have been there.  I really wish he could have been there to be a buffer, however, if he was there I wouldn't need a buffer.  HMMM...  The wedding was better then anticipated (not because I had doubts about the couple, but better because it was the first wedding without Brian and I wasn't sure what to do/think).  Luckily, my mind was distracted by the fact I had a dress malfunction!  UGH, no it was not because I've gained weight and need to hit the trail about 2 times a day to burn it off,  but it was a freak thing where my zipper broke and the teeth wouldn't line up.  This only happens to me by the way, I somehow walked away with my dignity.

I was so happy to leave town this weekend and clear my head with some fresh farm air!  It was a hard week with a lot going on and I just wanted to completely drop everything, forget Des Moines and enjoy a weekend with good friends.  Mission Accomplished! Not only did I get to celebrate the marriage of my good friend and classmate but I got to add to my list of 'new things'.  I have to admit, I have really never spent much time other then a quick stop in rural Iowa, and I mean RURAL! So when I went to a wedding in rural South Dakota I was in for a treat.  Although, I learned I probably couldn't spend more then a few days in a rural town I had a lot of fun.  Just curious, how many miles do people in rural areas put on their car?  I swear everything was 20-30 min apart.  After a wonderful rehearsal and rehearsal dinner I got to catch up with a few classmates.  Saturday morning I headed out to the groom's family farm (my classmate).  I have really never been a big farm and I got to have quite the experience.  I learned all about farming (crops) and I'm super excited to say that I know understand what is going on (sad I'm from Iowa and it took 25 years to learn about farming).  Although, I'm sad I didn't get the chance to shoot a gun (time ran out frown face), I did get to do this!!!!!!!

Play in a tractor tire! HOLY SMOKES THEY ARE BIG!  I was curious to see expensive they are to replace, fun fact, usually they last about 8,000 hours of work (a long time most don't have to be replaced!).  By the way the tire was taller then me.

I got to climb up and sit in the tractor.  I had to get a boost to even get to the first step on the ladder!  Actually, I was getting a tutorial on how tractors work (so I had to sit in side seat, with my seatbelt on, that is way to much machine not to have a seat belt on!)

After my tutorial, I got to drive!!!!!!!   I got to take that sucker out for a spin on the gravel road.  SO COOL!  I was told I was a natural, and I'm even added to list for 'handing down the keys to'.  :)  

The end of my drive!  Home safe, I even did  a three point turn on that thing.  I would say I should have that much power in my control all the time :).  

After a tractor ride, I got to ride/drive the razor!  I'm usually  was a very scared, non-risk taking person.  I would say that has changed, to a degree.  I took this out on the gravel to ummm 70ish mph.  The wind in my hair, open doors, very risky!  After this I got a tour of the farm and learned about combining, storing crops, everything.  

The service Saturday was so beautiful and perfect for two perfect people.  The reception was a blast.  I even made it out to the dance floor.....for a few hours!  I had some 'bushels' to burn off- for those of you who speak farmer terms (1 bushel=~60lbs).  I had TONS of fun with my classmates and they made it easy for me to do something I used to love doing with Brian (dancing!).  

The fresh farm air I guess is what I needed.  It is hard going from having a partnership and love to nothing overnight.  It is hard being cut off cold turkey.  It is hard having a deep past.  But, I got clarity this weekend.  My past is what has made me who I am today.  It has made the Stacey that is the Stacey Today.  I can't change my past it is what it is all I can do is accept and hope others can accept it.  I deserve that acceptance.  

Hopefully a little fresh oxygen will make this week nothing but rainbows and butterflies for me.  

It never gets old

It sure does never get old seeing the JTRMD bands. Here is the latest sighting:  gone fishing for a WIN.  He also got his band the night that my mom rushed the field to give Stanzi his, however, she ran into him later in parking lot and handed it to him.  Hopefully, having another Iowa quarterback with the JTRMD band will bring the Hawks the some luck this year! Brian would be very excited to see this video, it sure is pretty neat that we are still getting support!  

I have come to realize that as life goes on one word can be used to describe everything....bittersweet.  UGH, it is hard to pick up pieces when everything around you reminds you of Brian and furthermore it is hard to continue to do normal things because that reminds of Brian.  Tonight I'm going with some friends to go see one of our favorite bands from college.  Some of my favorite nights in college this band was there for.  Brian and I enjoyed them so much we usually were the first and last ones on the dance floor.  No lie one time a guy came up to us and paid us to keep dancing.  It never hurts to leave the bar with more money then what you went with...kind of like vegas! It will be weird to go see the band tonight without Brian, without my dancing partner.

Tomorrow I get to see Brian's parents and a lot of Brian's friends from high school....another bittersweet moment.  I love weddings, Brian was a groomsmen in this wedding, bittersweet.  I'm not looking forward to the awkward conversations.  I hate answering, "how are you doing."  I hate talking about myself, I hate answering questions about what I'm up to.  Last year the focus has been completely on Brian, no it is on me and I just hate things being about me.  In high school when I graduated my mom asked what I wanted at my party, I told her ,"I want everyone to sit around a campfire with smores and everyone has to tell me one good thing about me."  We both laughed, because really I would HATE THAT,  I like to lie behind the curtains and have a silent effect.  It is just one more thing I have to suck up and deal with.

Hopefully, all this rain in the midwest will end.  I'm tired of hearing my sump pump.  Please come back sun, but lets stay below 85 degrees!  :)  demanding, I know.

It had to begin at some point!

Well after a busy graduation weekend filled with many celebrations I crashed!  Between starting my last internship for school and a fun 3-day weekend I was so tired last week.   Tuesday night I pretty much came home and slept all night till Wed. morning.  After having many visitors on the weekend my 'OCD' cleaning kicked in as, I can't stand having this disorganized in my life, and I spent Wednesday night 'deep cleaning' everything.  I even made it outside to clean the patio and the grill.  YUCK, the grill!  I couldn't stand how gross it was from last summer so I finally sat down with a bucket of water and scrubbed it (please don't judge me that I didn't clean it last summer before we put it away for winter).

Brian enjoyed grilling but as with many things Brian was not fond of the clean-up.  Last summer we both sat down and cleaned the grill, TEAMWORK, Brian hated it.  Hated it so much so he from them on would completely cover the grill in foil in hopes it would stay clean and he would never have to clean the grill again. FAIL!  While good in theory, that did not work.  I like to clean, but man that stunk cleaning that. I really wish he would have been there to help me with that project.  But I guess as everything else the past few months, it is something I did on my own.  I guess that is what the past 3 months were and will be, time for Stacey to learn to do things on her own.  I think the hardest thing about being widow for me is life is no longer about the other person, it is about me.  Focusing on myself and putting 'Stacey' first could be most difficult thing I do.  That could be one, of the many, things I loved about marriage.  It wasn't about you, the priority wasn't yourself, you always put the other person above yourself.  I loved that.  I think that is a huge component to being in a relationship, is your focus on your self or on the other person.  That is what I struggle with.  I still go out to the mall and think, "oh man I should get that for Brian," or I go to the grocery store and start picking up items Brian enjoyed.  When I go out with friends I think, "Man I can't wait for Brian to try this new beer, he would love it." Then I get a reality check, Brian isn't here, he won't enjoy this new beer, new Iowa shirt, or this stuffed chicken.

Friday night I met up with Brian's cousins for a few drinks.  It was nice to catch up with them.  We always enjoyed our trips to El Rodeo, although we didn't go there, but I did enjoy some margaritas.  Saturday, I finally made it out to the farmers market.  I LOVE THE FARMERS MARKET, and Brian I think enjoyed it more then me.  Brian's goal was to always try something new at the market.  So Saturday I tried a egg, grilled asparagus, and muenster cheese sandwich.  SO GOOD! I purchased some fresh mozzarella, homemade marinara sauce, and foccacia bread.  Allison and I enjoyed a delicious pasta dinner Saturday night and are grilling homemade pizza this week.    Sunday my daddy came up and the three of us played a round of golf.  Although, it was like 110  94 degrees and by the end my shirt was stuck to me because of the sweat it was fun!  Also, I crushed the last hole!

Well it finally had to begin, STUDYING.  I'm not going to lie, I have taken a much enjoyable break from studying (since December, YIKES!)  However, I can see boards in my future, and as fast as graduation came up, boards is going to come faster.  So last week and this week I have hit the books.  It is so hard getting into a routine of studying again when I've been away for so long.  I guess it is something to fill my time and keep me busy, but I really want a break from medical stuff (I've had enough learning about diseases and test results this year!).  My only motivation to keep me focused now is the fact I REALLY have to pass boards and get a job, I'm on my own now with bills that are calling my name and a very strict, limited cash flow right now.  I no longer have another income, no one to take care of me, everything is on my shoulders.  That is a lot to take on when you are used to having a second  support system.  But I will do it, just as I do everything else!

Tonight, I'm taking a break from studying to go to zoo brew.   Who doesn't want to go to the zoo on a Wednesday night to enjoy animals, live music, and a few beverages!  I'm very excited, plus I get to use my GROUPON so I got two tickets for the price of one, perfect when you are on a tight budget.  This weekend, I have a wedding to attend for one of Brian's classmates from high school.  It will once again be bittersweet.  Luckily I have a date, Brian's best friend Andrew's wife is coming with me, since we are both dateless!  It is a huge relief to have her to go with, kind of like a crutch for me.  I hate facing new things on my own, there is a lot of anxiety that goes with it.  Brian loved weddings, so it will be hard to go without him to this wedding.

Well I had some cancellations at work, but now it is time to get booking to work!