It had to begin at some point!

Well after a busy graduation weekend filled with many celebrations I crashed!  Between starting my last internship for school and a fun 3-day weekend I was so tired last week.   Tuesday night I pretty much came home and slept all night till Wed. morning.  After having many visitors on the weekend my 'OCD' cleaning kicked in as, I can't stand having this disorganized in my life, and I spent Wednesday night 'deep cleaning' everything.  I even made it outside to clean the patio and the grill.  YUCK, the grill!  I couldn't stand how gross it was from last summer so I finally sat down with a bucket of water and scrubbed it (please don't judge me that I didn't clean it last summer before we put it away for winter).

Brian enjoyed grilling but as with many things Brian was not fond of the clean-up.  Last summer we both sat down and cleaned the grill, TEAMWORK, Brian hated it.  Hated it so much so he from them on would completely cover the grill in foil in hopes it would stay clean and he would never have to clean the grill again. FAIL!  While good in theory, that did not work.  I like to clean, but man that stunk cleaning that. I really wish he would have been there to help me with that project.  But I guess as everything else the past few months, it is something I did on my own.  I guess that is what the past 3 months were and will be, time for Stacey to learn to do things on her own.  I think the hardest thing about being widow for me is life is no longer about the other person, it is about me.  Focusing on myself and putting 'Stacey' first could be most difficult thing I do.  That could be one, of the many, things I loved about marriage.  It wasn't about you, the priority wasn't yourself, you always put the other person above yourself.  I loved that.  I think that is a huge component to being in a relationship, is your focus on your self or on the other person.  That is what I struggle with.  I still go out to the mall and think, "oh man I should get that for Brian," or I go to the grocery store and start picking up items Brian enjoyed.  When I go out with friends I think, "Man I can't wait for Brian to try this new beer, he would love it." Then I get a reality check, Brian isn't here, he won't enjoy this new beer, new Iowa shirt, or this stuffed chicken.

Friday night I met up with Brian's cousins for a few drinks.  It was nice to catch up with them.  We always enjoyed our trips to El Rodeo, although we didn't go there, but I did enjoy some margaritas.  Saturday, I finally made it out to the farmers market.  I LOVE THE FARMERS MARKET, and Brian I think enjoyed it more then me.  Brian's goal was to always try something new at the market.  So Saturday I tried a egg, grilled asparagus, and muenster cheese sandwich.  SO GOOD! I purchased some fresh mozzarella, homemade marinara sauce, and foccacia bread.  Allison and I enjoyed a delicious pasta dinner Saturday night and are grilling homemade pizza this week.    Sunday my daddy came up and the three of us played a round of golf.  Although, it was like 110  94 degrees and by the end my shirt was stuck to me because of the sweat it was fun!  Also, I crushed the last hole!

Well it finally had to begin, STUDYING.  I'm not going to lie, I have taken a much enjoyable break from studying (since December, YIKES!)  However, I can see boards in my future, and as fast as graduation came up, boards is going to come faster.  So last week and this week I have hit the books.  It is so hard getting into a routine of studying again when I've been away for so long.  I guess it is something to fill my time and keep me busy, but I really want a break from medical stuff (I've had enough learning about diseases and test results this year!).  My only motivation to keep me focused now is the fact I REALLY have to pass boards and get a job, I'm on my own now with bills that are calling my name and a very strict, limited cash flow right now.  I no longer have another income, no one to take care of me, everything is on my shoulders.  That is a lot to take on when you are used to having a second  support system.  But I will do it, just as I do everything else!

Tonight, I'm taking a break from studying to go to zoo brew.   Who doesn't want to go to the zoo on a Wednesday night to enjoy animals, live music, and a few beverages!  I'm very excited, plus I get to use my GROUPON so I got two tickets for the price of one, perfect when you are on a tight budget.  This weekend, I have a wedding to attend for one of Brian's classmates from high school.  It will once again be bittersweet.  Luckily I have a date, Brian's best friend Andrew's wife is coming with me, since we are both dateless!  It is a huge relief to have her to go with, kind of like a crutch for me.  I hate facing new things on my own, there is a lot of anxiety that goes with it.  Brian loved weddings, so it will be hard to go without him to this wedding.

Well I had some cancellations at work, but now it is time to get booking to work!