CHCHCHCHCh CHANGES!

Well last week in my dire need to sit and study and my excellent skills in finding other things to do then study I realized I have completely, unintentionally, forgot to  check my email for the blog. OOPS.  I guess I wont be receiving any blog awards anytime soon! ;).  In between cooking (my other distraction from studying- Maytag blue cheese steaks with a beef balsamic reduction sauce served with rosemary grilled sweetcorn, and garlic chive goat cheese mashed potatoes- just one of my new creations) I finally got caught up with emails, well reading them, this week I'm sure I will respond as I decide it is far important then studying. 

WOW, what nice, thoughtful, touching emails I received from many of you.  As posting started to fade the past few months I figured it was the same readers, the same support system, but HOLY SMOKES was I wrong.  My inbox was filled with emails from readers I have never met and who live across the U.S. and world.  CRAZY!  I got one email from a lady asking me input on app she was creating (a lifestyle & fitness app).  WHY ME?  I can't figure it out, but kind of cool.  It is probably SPAM, but I'm going to tell myself I'm pretty important with this offer.

Another email I read had another blog of a young women in the same shoes as me.  I looked at her blog, looked at other blogs she had linked to her blog, and thought to myself (1. the first three blogs were all widows whose husbands ALL named Brian (Bryan) had died- AHHH is there a hit list in Heaven with the name Brian?  JK! 2. there are a lot of people in the world with similar situations and for some reason reading about their pain gives me comfort in knowing I'm not alone.  3) Perhaps I am on the right track in life after death even though it feels at times I'm on road that seems to be going no where and full of uncertainty. 

One thing that makes me cringe is hearing people use the expression "you are an inspiration/amazing".  I'm not, I now just opened a worm hole of comments/emails negating that statement.  Let me re-phrase, I don't feel nor think I am.  After reading some other blogs of women in the same situation (not many blogs by men, probably because they have far better things to do in life then blog...which makes me jealous, and the fact that most men can easily let things go.  Case in point have you ever seen to male friends fight.  They argue, maybe throw a punch, then within 4 minutes have chest bumped and sharing a beer at the bar.  Women are far more complicated and tend to hold onto things for like years....my theory all women have a crazy gene inserted on the 'X' chromosome- defiantly another defining marker for gender). Sorry on the rant.  Ok, so after reading many other blogs I realize we are all doing the same thing.  Trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild a new puzzle in life because the old puzzle pieces are never going to fit together again. 

After my read through of these blogs (before this blog my only experience and majority of my experience now was reading food blogs- best way to get new recipe ideas.  However, I have been exposed to all types of blogs, there are lot of neat stories out there in their world, and a lot of them are worth reading.)  I have decided that I'm going to change things up.  For the first few months this blog served as one sole purpose (besides a way for people to keep track of my eating habits following the loss of Brian) it was therapy.  It still is therapeutic but I'm finding I need a different way to heal.

Developing posts is becoming harder and harder.  Some days it just comes to me and those are the days I write.  However, my healing is on a different road and sitting down purely talking about the countless ways I miss/thought of Brian that day is not helping. Forcing yourself to recall memories or thoughts just to write a post isn't going to work for me anymore.  I'm on a new road, a rebuilding road.  A road that is dedicated to nothing but 'finding Stacey'.  So although, some days I might have that salty taste to cry and think about Brian and write about Brian I'm going to focus on me.  This is something that is difficult for me as I never like to think of myself ahead of others, but I think it is something I have to do in order to move on.  My life consists of  'I' there is no 'we' anymore.

Be aware of many changes to come and if you are reading this for some great insight on life (which seems to be what a lot of you appreciate about the blog, not sure why, I'm 25 and a widow, my insight on life is not the greatest) then be prepared for posts that boasts nothing more then my journey on life- you know all the trouble I seem to get myself into.  The thought of  a new direction excites me, when I see the JTARMD banner at the top it glows again.  For awhile, it was dark and seemed to associated with something sad and I don't like that.  I want happiness and joy with JTARMD.  So hopefully, my adventures will keep you entertained (most people around me frequently use the phrase 'this only happens to you stacey' so there is bound to be some good stories. 

Cheers!

Oh and the next post...already laid out...titled "when life hands you hops....tour a brewery" so come back.