Tonight I enjoyed a nice meal at a friends house. This dear friend was someone we met in the hospital and her and Brian had an instant connection (they both had lymphoma) and became walking buddies as they received chemo. She recently too lost her husband (2 wks after Brian) to liver cancer. It was nice to sit and talk to someone who has been down the same path and at the same time and understands what you feel. She made me a delicious pasta dish, that was just amazing. We talked, we got teary eyed, we both declared how you just have to pick up and move on.
My mother in-law always says "its a God thing", because most times it is. Meeting this couple was a God thing. We connected on some many levels, Brian and I saw them as Christian role models for us. The wife was also a physical therapist so tonight we talked about my internship and just PT in general.
Today was just 'one of those days'. So I'm happy I had a good shoulder to go to after work. Today I had to venture to the Vent unit in the hospital. It was pretty overwhelming at first because the people up there are pretty ill. While I was reviewing a chart I over heard a doctor in a room asking the patient on the ventilator is she wanted to continue on all the life sustaining measures. The family was pretty upset and they did have a big decision to make. It brought back a lot of reminders of the end with Brian. I got chocked up a little bit but quickly could calm down.
When it came time to making decisions Brian and I both had to set boundaries together. As hard as it was to have conversations about life sustaining measures we had to. Brian had the ultimate say but we both agreed that when it was time it was time. I'm thankful Brian went quickly and that he went peacefully. I don't think I could have watched Brian be intubated or anything. I don't want those memories...I don't like the memory I have of his last hours. That wasn't Brian, I don't want to remember him like that. Those last few hours weren't my husband. I couldn't sit and watch him be like that for more then the few hours I had to. When I think of Brian I see him smiling, I hear his voice, I see a brightness of energy that surrounds his persona. When he was laying in that hospice bed I didn't see that. It is hard to let go of your loved ones, but at some point you have to, you have to understand they will be in a better place. I told Brian at 12:20 it was ok for him to let go, that all though he was physically letting go he was still holding on, he would still be there. He did so at 1:30- 1:45. I have to tell myself this time to time. He is still here, he is still holding onto me.
* fair warning, my laptop is fading fast, there is likely to be many errors in the posts to come.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
One year!
Well Friday April, 1st was the one year anniversary of the day that changed my life forever. It was the day Brian was told he had lymphoma. Brian's diagnosis began with a lump that popped up very quickly under his arm. I finally had to drag him into our family practice doctor who decided to do an MRI (thinking it was a fluid filled sac from a muscle pull). The day after Brian's MRI (April 1st) we got a phone call from our doctor saying it was probable of lymphoma. Within 45 min of that phone call we received a phone call from our oncologist's office saying we could be seen the next day (Friday April 2). After meeting with our oncologist we were scheduled for surgery to biopsy his lump and that Monday we had pre-op with our surgeon and Tuesday we had surgery. Within 5 days of learning his MRI was abnormal Brian was told he had cancer and had surgery. From day 1 everything moved fast. When they biopsied his arm it had to be sent to Mayo for special testing. It took Mayo 3 weeks to pin point his exact type of cancer. Brian had a pretty new, rare, aggressive, and combination of two types of lymphoma. I always told Brian if he is going to do something he is going all out. Like if he made dinner he had to use all the dishes, if he cleaned the shower it was a 5 hour project with steps that make no sense. He was just unique, even when it came to having cancer.
I thought about the one year anniversary earlier last week but completely forgot until about mid day on Friday. I think it was good I forgot because I had a pretty big pit in the bottom of my stomach the rest of the day. It seems like time has flown by. It seems like it has been more then 2 months since he has left. It seems more then a year since we found out he had cancer. So much has happened the past year I feel like it has been two years. When Brian broke his foot in December I told him to think how much better the year 2011 will be. We thought we were starting a new year and saying good bye to a bad 2010. Little did we know 2011 didn't bring much better news either. The entire year I kept telling myself things can't get worse. They did. Things got a lot worse, I'm a widow. However, as bad as things got, I don't feel like life is over. I see hope, and see hope because I realize now that life isn't up to us. We all have a destiny, all we can do is accept it and enjoy what life is.
I used to be the biggest planner you will ever meet. So much so I had a 10 yr plan when I first started college at 18. I had a plan to finish school, not get in a relationship until I was done with PT school, kids at 30. That plan went out the window at age 19 when I met Brian. I was married at 22. Now I don't make long term plans let alone mid-term plans. All my classmates are interviewing for jobs, I haven't even started to look. I can't do anything till September so why rush into something. I know someone else has a plan for me so I will just wait and let that plan unfold instead of making my own.
Luckily, Friday was salvaged by one of my best friends and roommate from college. She came to visit and we had so much fun. It was nice to catch up, grab dinner, and just have fun. Today I went to Cirque du soleil. It was in Des Moines and I heard so many good things so I convinced my sister to go with me. It was the Asian show "dralion''. IT WAS SO AWESOME. It is crazy how those people can move around, freaky, but intriguing. This show got me excited because in exactly one month I will be going to VEGAS (and rumored to be going to the Beatles Cirque Du Soleil). Yep, I booked a trip to Vegas, with the 'RENTS. 25 & single who wouldn't want to go to Vegas with your parents? Just kidding mom and dad. There is a big group going and my sister and I squeezed in the mix. Brian LOVED, LOVED Vegas...I think it is right behind Wriglyville and Kinnick. We always wanted to go but couldn't afford it or squeeze it in with my school. It will be my first time going, I'm excited, but wish Brian could be there.
I'm now looking into taking a trip this summer after I'm done with school...one last big trip before I really have to settle in and be responsible and find a job.
The Cubs opened the weekend 1-2. I think our little angel in the outfield must be napping....or him and Ron Santo are having way to much fun they didn't notice they Cubs lost.
I thought about the one year anniversary earlier last week but completely forgot until about mid day on Friday. I think it was good I forgot because I had a pretty big pit in the bottom of my stomach the rest of the day. It seems like time has flown by. It seems like it has been more then 2 months since he has left. It seems more then a year since we found out he had cancer. So much has happened the past year I feel like it has been two years. When Brian broke his foot in December I told him to think how much better the year 2011 will be. We thought we were starting a new year and saying good bye to a bad 2010. Little did we know 2011 didn't bring much better news either. The entire year I kept telling myself things can't get worse. They did. Things got a lot worse, I'm a widow. However, as bad as things got, I don't feel like life is over. I see hope, and see hope because I realize now that life isn't up to us. We all have a destiny, all we can do is accept it and enjoy what life is.
I used to be the biggest planner you will ever meet. So much so I had a 10 yr plan when I first started college at 18. I had a plan to finish school, not get in a relationship until I was done with PT school, kids at 30. That plan went out the window at age 19 when I met Brian. I was married at 22. Now I don't make long term plans let alone mid-term plans. All my classmates are interviewing for jobs, I haven't even started to look. I can't do anything till September so why rush into something. I know someone else has a plan for me so I will just wait and let that plan unfold instead of making my own.
Luckily, Friday was salvaged by one of my best friends and roommate from college. She came to visit and we had so much fun. It was nice to catch up, grab dinner, and just have fun. Today I went to Cirque du soleil. It was in Des Moines and I heard so many good things so I convinced my sister to go with me. It was the Asian show "dralion''. IT WAS SO AWESOME. It is crazy how those people can move around, freaky, but intriguing. This show got me excited because in exactly one month I will be going to VEGAS (and rumored to be going to the Beatles Cirque Du Soleil). Yep, I booked a trip to Vegas, with the 'RENTS. 25 & single who wouldn't want to go to Vegas with your parents? Just kidding mom and dad. There is a big group going and my sister and I squeezed in the mix. Brian LOVED, LOVED Vegas...I think it is right behind Wriglyville and Kinnick. We always wanted to go but couldn't afford it or squeeze it in with my school. It will be my first time going, I'm excited, but wish Brian could be there.
I'm now looking into taking a trip this summer after I'm done with school...one last big trip before I really have to settle in and be responsible and find a job.
The Cubs opened the weekend 1-2. I think our little angel in the outfield must be napping....or him and Ron Santo are having way to much fun they didn't notice they Cubs lost.
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