sometimes you just need a shoulder,a shoulder that has been there

Tonight I enjoyed a nice meal at a friends house.  This dear friend was someone we met in the hospital and her and Brian had an instant connection (they both had lymphoma) and became walking buddies as they received chemo.  She recently too lost her husband (2 wks after Brian) to liver cancer.  It was nice to sit and talk to someone who has been down the same path and at the same time and understands what you feel.  She made me a delicious pasta dish, that was just amazing.  We talked, we got teary eyed, we both declared how you just have to pick up and move on.

My mother in-law always says "its a God thing", because most times it is. Meeting this couple was a God thing.  We connected on some many levels, Brian and I saw them as Christian role models for us.  The wife was also a physical therapist so tonight we talked about my internship and just PT in general.

Today was just 'one of those days'. So I'm happy I had a good shoulder to go to after work. Today I had to venture to the Vent unit in the hospital. It was pretty overwhelming at first because the people up there are pretty ill. While I was reviewing a chart I over heard a doctor in a room asking the patient on the ventilator is she wanted to continue on all the life sustaining measures. The family was pretty upset and they did have a big decision to make. It brought back a lot of reminders of the end with Brian.  I got chocked up a little bit but quickly could calm down. 

When it came time to making decisions Brian and I both had to set boundaries together. As hard as it was to have conversations about life sustaining measures we had to.  Brian had the ultimate say but we both agreed that when it was time it was time.  I'm thankful Brian went quickly and that he went peacefully.  I don't think I could have watched Brian be intubated or anything. I don't want those memories...I don't like the memory I have of his last hours.  That wasn't Brian, I don't want to remember him like that. Those last few hours weren't my husband.  I couldn't sit and watch him be like that for more then the few hours I had to.  When I think of Brian I see him smiling, I hear his voice, I see a brightness of energy that surrounds his persona.  When he was laying in that hospice bed I didn't see that.  It is hard to let go of your loved ones, but at some point you have to, you have to understand they will be in a better place. I told Brian at 12:20 it was ok for him to let go, that all though he was physically letting go he was still holding on, he would still be there. He did so at 1:30- 1:45. I have to tell myself this time to time.  He is still here, he is still holding onto me. 


* fair warning, my laptop is fading fast, there is likely to be many errors in the posts to come.