Where has time gone

Can you believe tomorrow is the start of August?  AHHHHHHH!!!! Why does time seem to be flying by? I really didn't think time would fly by this quickly but over the past year it sure has.  I guess a bleak reminder that, as if I need another reminder, that life is short and not to put off tomorrow what you can do today!

So with that thought in mind I have taken full advantage of my days and have been BUSY!  My time has been consumed with welcoming home dear friends, visiting new friends, spending time with family, and enjoying the HOT summer days- oh I guess I should mention the 4-8 hrs I spend studying m-f and my hunt for a job.

Since I have last written I have traveled to Minneapolis, been eaten by massive mosquitos,  enjoyed drinks with friends up north.  Checked out (drove by) a hospital for a possible job, lets hope they call me back- or anyone for that matter.  Ate a delicious 'juicy lucy', a burger as seen on Travel Channel Man V Food a show which Brian dreamed he could participate in.

Did I mention I study a lot for my boards in September and apply for jobs?!  It is so hard getting back into the swing of studying again-taking a hiatus for a few months and experiencing what the rest of the world does when not in graduate school has been way to much fun to go back to studying.  Looking for jobs has been fun. NOT.  It has been a struggle because prior to February I had a set plan, that plan changed, I literally can do anything go anywhere and that has left me with NO CLUE on what to do with my life.  SCARY, since my life revolves around having a plan and I'm currently planless, jobless and these people called student loan collectors keep asking for money!  I keep telling myself to calm down and be patient that the job for me will show itself but the idea of student loans kicking in soon is starting to make me frantic, panicked, and impatient.  However, I'm enjoying the freedom of having empty days to run errands in between studying.  Can I just go straight to be a stay at home mom without having kids or a source of income?  I get a lot of stuff done and my house seems to be more organized when I'm home during the day.

Last weekend I got to welcome home Brian's best friend Andrew from Afghanistan. I'm so blessed that him and his wife have opened their arms to me and have kept me close to them.  I was so honored that I was invited to spend time with Andrew's family all weekend and be there to greet him as he took his first steps on Iowa soil.  The emotions of watching spouses, family, kids, friends reunited after a military deployment is something that can't be described in words.  I can't imagine the release of fear one gets when you get to hug your loved one for the first time after they return home.  You literally can let go of every knot in your stomach that aches not knowing if they are on a mission, in harms way, how they are, etc.  All I can say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU for everything all of the military personal do for us. You all are truly heros.

Since it is summer time and extremely HOT in the midwest the only way to survive is to cool off at the pool with a cold margarita and some friends!  So I spent one weekend slathered up at the pool (SPF 60!!!).  Please ignore the horrible image of me in a bathing suit!

I even managed to hit a concert.  Actually, not any concert...an OAR concert!  OAR was Brian and I's favorite band and we had seen them 4 times in college.  True story a groomsmen at our wedding emailed the band and asked them to play out our wedding, the band felt really bad they couldn't make it because they were on tour so they mailed Brian and I an autograph picture that said 'congrats on the wedding' with a bunch of picks, stickers, and other memorabilia.  THAT IS WHY I LOVE THEM.  When I saw they were coming to DSM I was bummed because I couldn't see them with Brian but I was able to enjoy it with Brian's best friend in Des Moines and (through what I say a Brian thing) my two favorite kiddos.  I thought I was crazy for bringing a 12 and 9 year old to a concert but we sat front row (as Brian and I would) had rocked out.  It was such a different memory then any other OAR concert but one I will cherish forever.  The memory of hanging out with the both of them is something I can hold on to as it means I'm in a new chapter in my life, a new journey, and they were apart of it.

Front Row!!!!

SO CLOSE!

Why I love this band...the guy on stage in the red shirt was from the audience and had a sign asking if he could play one song with OAR and they let him come on stage and play 'hey girl' with them (by the way my favorite song!).

This is Kelly James the opener, he was amazing.  And really liked that I brought the boys....well the autograph CD he gave me at least said so.  I guess a 12 & 9 y.o. is a great way to meet the band! ;)

No really, a good way to meet the band.  This is the lead singer of OAR.  I talked to him for little bit, he is so NICE!   

Happy 9th Birthday LUKE!  (I may have gotten my dates mixed up but hopefully OAR made that up)!!!

Finally, this weekend my parents came to town so in between- babysitting, having drinks on the patio with friends, and a going away party- we managed to roam around Des Moines for summer fun.  Saturday morning we hit up the Des Moines farmers market- a must do/see.  We purchased some homemade pasta, goat cheese, corn, split gooners, egg sandwiches, ice cream, cinnamon rolls, and gnawed on some samples.  YUM!  After the market we had a drinks on the patio of my favorite patio bar downtown and enjoyed the tunes from my new favorite DSM band.  After the patio we ventured across the bridge for a Italian fest.  We may have hit the festival with the early birds and it wasn't hopping yet but we sure did enjoy some fresh sangria and tasty Italian food. (I have to run double this week to burn off Saturday's adventure).  Sunday I took my parents to church, we ran some errands, did odd and ends around the house, ate lunch, cooled off with ice cream, and yondered across the glass bottom pedestrian bridge downtown. Can we say busy?

This week I will say I'm on repeat: study, job hunt, apply, study.  If I could get better at posting my posts would not be 3 pages long.  However, one thing I have found is that as time goes you have less and less to clear your mind about.  Although, some times are rough, most days are good and I hold onto the good days and run with it.  No sense in searching for sadness or meaning but live for life. Point taken! :)

P.S. I love you

Yep, you are correct in your thinking.  This post is about the movie P.S. I love you.  I'm sure ALL female readers have delved into this movie, but those of you (guys) who have not it is a tear jerker and clearly the book (movie) is based on a true story (actually not sure if it is, but the truth and reality of this book/movie makes me believe it).  It is about a women in her late 20's/early 30's whose husband passes away from a brain tumor and she has to rediscover herself without her husband.  Sounds vaguely familiar.  The first time I saw this movie I had just gotten out my wisdom teeth, I was 21 years old, Brian and I had been engaged for 2 months, I was at my parents house with a marathon of movies, and completely, utterly sad because Brian did not come with me for my surgery.  I remember being mad at him that day as I sat spitting blood (TMI?).  Then I watched this movie.  I remember watching it and knowing I would have no clue how to handle a situation like that and that all I wanted was to have him next to me forever.

When Brian was first diagnosed he turned to me and said, "Stacey, you are not allowed to watch P.s. I love you,  you will know when you can watch it."  Funny how he knew that, funny that is what he thought of.  Tonight I came home from my internship, heated up some leftovers, and flipped through the channels until low and behold I came across this movie.  I asked myself should I? Should I not? I was on rose pedal away from playing 'he loves me, he loves me not' but I watched it and even DVR it.  As I watched this movie (currently am watching it) I go through each scene wondering if this movie was a foreshadow to my life. 

In the movie the main character spends the first few weeks after her husbands death locked in her house, eating, singing out loud, dancing, internalizing, grieving, mad, and annoyed.  DING DING Stacey for $300 please.  During the time where she is locked up she is bombarded by friends and family phone call after phone call enough to make a person go crazy.  You know people are there to help, want to help, are concerned but there are just some things people can't do, can't say to take away that pain and you just need to be alone.  Alone to cry, alone to think, alone to try to feel the tinniest flow of air and hope that is the presence of your husband, alone to to lay in bed and hope that a mountain of pressure will hit you so feel like you are being held in peaceful arms.  You don't understand that until you go through it.  You can't come out until you are ready to come out, people can't force you to do that.  You can only come out of your comfort shell, that is your home where you spent your life with your husband, when you are ready.  You have to move on, but there is no time limit on moving on, you have to wait till you are guided by your lost loved one.  Sometimes it is a few weeks for others it may be months or a year. 

I remember when Brian first passed how upset I was that he left me here with nothing, no letter to read on bad days, no videotape, nothing.  I guess I hoped you would leave me written instructions on how to continue life, but planning was never Brian's thing, it was mine.  One thing I have been struggling with is how I have no plan.  I'm a huge planner.  I had my life plan,  I had a plan with Brian, my plan has been torn up and set in flames, now there is no plan.  The scariest thing about this past year was not that Brian was going to die, it is the fact I have to go on without him, on my own.  Deep, deep down I know I can and I know he knew I could it is a matter of finding the courage to do so.  In the movie it was said "there is no need for plans they never work out." I try to tell myself that but that doesn't ease the fact that in three days I'm done with school and in 6 weeks I take my licensure exam with no idea what I want to do with my life, where I want to live, anything.  I've always had a plan and now I have nothing, no idea. 

In the movie the main character gets a set of letters from her beloved husband helping her on her journey.  The first letter comes on her birthday with a cake that he planned ahead and had made.  I think about my last birthday I spent with Brian.  He was at the beginning of his quick descent to death.  January 11th my last birthday with him.  My birthday celebration was completely up to me because he was in a hospital bed.  Not to be selfish, but I wish so badly I had a grand celebration, one with just him and me at a bar bellied up, telling jokes, me laughing.  Instead, on my way home from work I picked up his favorite pizza, gave him the first slice, ate mine, got one hug as he laid in bed, then he broke out in a fever and I made him an ice cream cup with m&m's.  Like I said I don't want to be selfish, and I'm thankful I got that night with him, but that was the last way I will remember my birthday with Brian.  He was one for surprises, I hated them, he loved surprising me because I hated them.  He threw me a surprise party two years ago and a surprise dinner the year before.  This year I skipped a present, got his favorite pizza, and watched him sit with a high fever.  Even more selfish of me, I think about the last gift he got me.  The most logical guess, Christmas, nope he had a broken foot so he couldn't go out and he had chemo.  As I did Christmas shopping for everyone including Brian, knowing I wouldn't get anything from him, I told myself skipping opening a present under the tree to have him get better was worth it.  However, he never got better.  I try really hard to think about the last thing he got me and my best guess is maybe flowers before he got sick.  I'm a person who doesn't need things, I'm just reminiscing because you take for granted that what you get could be the last gift you receive. 

It is truly amazing how this movie covers every emotion, feeling, and aspect of losing your spouse.  Even silly, crazy ones.  In one scene the wife is on a trip with her friends in which she learns that her friends have two exciting life events: marriage and a baby.  The main character tries to be happy but at the same time you can see inside her a dark sadness.  WOW, ding ding!  Social media can be a nasty mood changer.  When you read status updates with exciting events such as house hunting, engagements, marriages, and even children you can't help but be sad.  Really, deep down I'm extremely happy for my friends, but the bitter truth smacks you in the face as you realize you don't have that.  The excitement that I have, getting invited out to have a drink with friends in which I get to choose between a Coors light, skinny margarita, or Jeremiah Sweet tea.  In my plan I would have a job and working right now, Brian and I would be looking for houses, and talking about having kids within the next 2 years.  All of that seems like a distinct glimmer of hope now as I set out on this new journey that seems as if I'm lost at sea, surrounded by nothing but open waters in a small paddle boat and no sight of anything remotely resembling land.  It isn't that I'm happy for everyone else, it is that you realize you no longer have that- pure, utter, joy.  Then there is the feeling of 'when do you stop talking about him'.  Here is a bad conversation starter, "hi, I'm a widow my husband died from cancer 6 months ago."  Yep, I may have done that!  One thing I've realized is that every story I tell relates to him.  Do you know how hard it is to meet new people and tell stories about yourself, however, all your stories you say 'we' instead of 'I' and all of them Brian was apart of.  You have to move on, you want someone to accept your past, but at some point you have to stop constantly referring to Brian, you have to let go.  It is a hard line between remembering him and moving on. 

Of course the movie ends with the main character finding a job she loves, letting go and moving forward with peace, and well it is a movie so a possible new love interest.  Although, my movie is hardly coming to an end and I really have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, I see myself starting to move forward and letting go of the sadness,  I guess I have to be patient as Brian quietly opens doors for me and leads me on this journey.  DAMN I still want a letter and planned trip to Ireland, one that entails a small pub tour! 

Details of my past two weekends will come later this week...I have started to panic about not studying enough for my board exam that I'm forcing myself every night to sit and study (tonight I will even turn off the TV as I study)!

Happiness in sarrow

Well Tuesday was a hard day for me as I said good-bye to a near and dear friend who also lost her battle with lymphoma.  I have become very close with her the past year.  Actually, I literally met year a year ago from last week.  I will never forget when Brian introduced us.  I remember coming home (to the hospital) from the clinic just exhausted.  All I wanted to do was sit and relax before our friends brought us dinner.  As soon as I walked in Brian's room he jumped out of bed and said, "come on you have to meet my new friend."  I was like Really?  Can't I sit for a bit and meet your friend later.  He said, "No! Stacey you have to meet this woman right now!"  Thinking she would be our age I was surprised to walk into the room next door and find out that Brian's new friend was a 66y.o. retired pediatric physical therapist.  Confused by his new friend who he was so fond of, I sat down and started to talking to her.  SHE WAS AMAZING.  Words can't express the instant connection I had with her as well as Brian since they were both battling the same thing.  Her kindness and nurturing heart drew anyone she met close to her.  Her and Brian were luckily on the same chemo schedule so every three weeks we got to hang out with her and walk the halls.  During the day when I was away I felt at peace knowing Brian had someone to talk to and hang out with.  Her funeral on Tuesday captured everything she embodied.  It was such a beautiful service, it was hard not to cry.  The pastor made a good statement during the service,  "God brings people in your life for reasons, for seasons, and for life."  How true is that?  How many times do you meet someone for a day and at the end of the night you reflect back and think man that was a good day.  That is GOD at work.  How many times do you make a new friend where that person fills a need in your life for a few years and then you roads diverge.  That is God's work. How many times does someone walk in your life change your life and you can't go back to life before you met that person?  That is God.  God saw a need for carolyn in our life this past year and the one season she was in my life she helped me get through a lot.  Although, I will miss her and will miss Brian, I know God brought them in my life at the times he did for a reason.

After Carolyn's funeral I came home and read what I wrote for Brian's funeral.  For some reason I just wanted to to go back to the day he died.  Although, Brian's funeral was packed, I know many of you weren't there so as I read the words I wrote about Brian I decided to post them.  I guess a way to keep him close in my thoughts this week (even thoughI was wrapped up in his T-shirt quilt all week).  I could feel Brian with me Tuesday especially because our close friends had a baby boy named Benjamin Brian Reed.  How neat, Brian had such an impact that a new life was born to carry on his legacy.  I'm so thrilled for our best friend's as they get to experience a new journey in life with a such a blessing.  I'm a very proud AUNTIE (yep I nicknamed myself auntie).  Can we please get this kid a Hawkeye onsie....I'm on it!!!




Here was my eulogy to Brian:

Brian,

Man do I miss you already.  I missed you the moment your hand let go, the moment you took your last breath, and the moment you looked up to heaven and opened your arms to God.  You were so special; you were my true soul mate.  The bond we had is a bond that many people wait a life time for.  They say it is better to have loved then to never have loved at all.  While this is true, it leaves a pretty big empty hole in your heart when your love is not there.  I remember the first time I met you and you were introduced to me as the ‘nicest guy your will ever meet.’ I didn’t know that 2 months later our paths would cross again and that three years later we would marry.  We started out as best friends who would leave college gatherings to go lie on your bed and talk about life.  We would argue how Bobby Knight was one of the greatest basketball coaches, and at one point I almost had you ready to move to Indiana.  We would always agree how great the Hawkeyes were and we would each select our all-star football team with past players. 

We had deep conversations about family, the meaning of life, and our role in life.  When we finally started dating and our love blossomed I knew why God put you in my life.  He put you there because he knew I needed a kind, gentle person, with a huge passion bucket.  You loved me for me, something I thought no one could ever do.  You had this amazing ability to make me feel special.  I never knew how to take compliments and all you did was compliment me.  Your presence always gave me an overwhelming inner peace.  You found this way to instill confidence in myself as a wife, a sister, a daughter, a student, a friend, and as a person.  I will miss that.  Our entire marriage you dedicated yourself to me.  You would encourage me when I was down, you would bring me dinner at school when I had to study late, you would clean the house (which you hated) so that I had one less thing to worry about.  You cracked open this vault in me and opened a part I never knew I had.  I was always independent and strong willed but with you I was dependent upon your love, I needed you. You found a way to make me fall in love with more in the 2.5 years we were married.   

Last April our lives were flipped upside down and God’s true role for you in this world was revealed.  For ten months I would try defy God’s plan but deep down we both knew the result.  You were too special for this world, to unique to be here forever.  God gave you the qualities he gave you because he needed you to open our eyes, our minds, and our hearts.  You never gave cancer the opportunity to define you, but you defined it.  You were a fighter; I don’t know how you made it look so easy, you never showed how much you were suffering.  You managed to always have a smile on, you managed to still console me, and you managed to fill my love bucket up all while being so sick.  God wanted you to be his disciple and he called you to duty and you did as he asked.  You would share his love with others by your actions and words.  It is easy in life to question God and you always told me not to, you would say just believe, be patient, he is there.  You were right.  We were both so scared the past two weeks.  You said you were scared about how God was going to take you.  I told you he is going to be at heaven’s gate waiting for you, and you would see him.  I was saying that to calm your nerves, but that was true.  Tuesday at 1:30 you kept trying to lift your arms. I asked if you were hot and then with every ounce of energy you had, you opened your eyes, looked at the sky, lifted your arms and hugged God.  That was the one picture I needed to never question God again.  You taught me lessons even with your last breath.  That was God’s plan for you. You were his seed on earth. 

You told me I had to move on, you told me you were proud of me, you told me you would love me from heaven.  However I wish you were here.  I wish I could kiss you, I wish I could hug you, I wish I could hear one last joke, I wish we could go to one more Iowa game, I wish we could see another Cub win, I wish there were more OAR concerts, I wish we had road trips, I wish we could have one more high life, I wish we could be cuddled up on the coach forever.  You will always be my soul mate, you will always be my husband, and you will always be my first love.  You were my world and I was yours.  Thank you for kindness, your patience, and your love.  Save a seat for me up there.

Always and Forever we will be,

Love,

Stacey

I want to leave with you all with another look on Brian’s legacy.

When Brian was diagnosed it was incredible how daily words transformed to take on a new meaning.  How many times a day do you routinely say I love you to your loved ones?  You end phone conversations, text messages, emails with this saying out of habit.  How many times a day when you say I love you do you say it with passion, with hope, with real love?  No one knows when our last days will be because that is God’s plan not our plan.  We have to remember that and escape from our comfortable habits.  When you say something mean it, act on it, and live it. That was Brian.  He may have out of habit left his dishes out for me to pick up but every time he said “I love you” or “Thank you for taking care of me” or “you are the best wife ever” he said it in a way that would make me really feel loved. 

The day Brian found out he had cancer we decided to go to the store as a distracter.  Every single person he passed he said “hello, how are you, I hope you have a good day.”  He just found out he was severely ill but had the courage and love to think of others.  We let our attitude control us too much in this life.  Brian always said attitude is a choice and it is.  You might have spilled coffee on your favorite shirt, had a bad test, or lost your car keys but remember not to let your attitude dictate who you are.  Brian taught me that. 

In the beginning of this journey Brian one night in bed said, “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m sick.  There is nothing for them to feel sorry for.  I have a loving wife, great parents, and great friends.  Some people don’t have that and we should feel sorry for them and change that.” 

When Brian was student teaching he had a special education student who would walk into class every day and say, “Mr. Pritchard, today is the best day of my life.” Every day Brian asked why and everyday it was a different reason as to why it was the best day of this kid’s life.  Brian would call me and tell me this every day and said if only everyone else could stop, take a moment and appreciate what happened that day, appreciate what put a smile on their face that day, then we would all have the best day of our life, even if it was because the vending machine popped out two snickers instead of one.  That is how Brian lived and that is how he wanted everyone around him to live. 

Brian and I had our first dance to this song.  When we were planning our wedding I chose it because it reminded me of Brian and selected it again because it still reminds me of Brian.  Brian loved life; he loved every aspect of it.  He loved waking up to a new day, he loved Friday’s after work, and he loved football Saturday (even if the Hawks lost).  Most of all he loved the people that made life great. To him every part of this world was wonderful and what a wonderful world it was. 

When life knocks you down, when you are angry or sad, or just having a bad day.  Think about Brian, think about his spirit, and think about his passion for life.  Tell yourself, “Just try and ruin my day.” 

This weekend I have crazy, big, fun plans so that means Monday-ish I will have a an update!  I hope you all had a great week and have an excellent weekend filled with laughs, smiles, hugs, and special people!

And life continues to go on

My apologies, once again, busy week with little time to write.  Last weekend I took a quick trip to watch my favorite 12 yr old play hockey and play legos with my favorite 8 yo.  I guess a positive  I can hold my hat on right now in life, is that I literally have no commitments so I can pick up and leave on a moments notice.  So I did just that last weekend.  My family was in California finishing up some odds and ends from my grandpa's passing and celebrating my older sisters graduation from her internal medicine residency (congrats Rachael!).  Unfortunately, I could not attend such festivities as I had to work.  So since I couldn't fly to California I quickly hopped in the car and drove to Minneapolis.  Per most of my recent trips this was also a very fun trip and a good escape from stress.  It was nice to meet new people, re-unite with old friends, and watch my favorite pre-teen dominate in hockey.  However, I notice after I watch hockey I have an urge to check every person that crosses me (probably not a good thing, but kind of a fun feeling).

On my way home from the cities I got a disheartening phone call from a friend.  A near and dear friend to Brian and I through out the year was on the same path as Brian.  Her and Brian were both fighting lymphoma and she was able to go to transplant this Sept., however, her transplant didn't take and like Brian her cancer spread, and spread quickly.  She was released from the hospital on Tuesday to start home hospice so I was thankfully able to visit with her Wednesday and say good bye in peaceful and joyful way.  She lost her husband in March to liver cancer.  Her and her husband where such inspirations to Brian and I as they gave us hope and helped us to have trust in our faith.  They were an amazing couple who went through so much but still had the energy to smile and care for others.

Wednesday as I sat with my friend she told me that she would tell Brian hello and that she would check in on him for me.  The thing I appreciated the most about my friend is that we were always able to be realistic and live in the moment.  When you are holding a loved ones hand as they are literally on their death bed it is hard to say the words you want to say or to be as honest as you want to be, but you have to have the courage to do it.  You are fearful of what to say and scared to say the truth.  Her and I were never like that. We could be dead honest.  When I sat with her I thought, man, what do I say to this women.  And just as normal we talked about the truth that was in our hearts and minds.  There was no sugar coating what the next days were to bring there was not jumping around thoughts. Brutal honesty.  I know that on Friday afternoon when my friend said good-bye to the mortal world Brian and her husband were there to welcome her into heaven's gates.  I know Brian was excited to be reunited with his walking buddy (they would walk the hospital halls during chemo).  Somehow I'm relieved because I know Brian will be getting his exercise up there now, one less thing to worry about (hopefully he is still getting his vegetables :)  ).

As much as you try to enjoy the holiday weekend and soak up the fun that July 4th brings, in the back of my mind all I could think about was my friend.  Not sadness because she is in a much better place but- I'm not sure of the words- it is hard to explain.  Being with her this week was a stark reminder of Brian's last week.  Her progression was Brian's progression.  One thing however, after yet another passing of a close friend/relative, life still goes on.  Life doesn't stop, time doesn't stop, the world trenches forward.  You have to grieve and grieving never stops but you find ways to go on with life because life goes on.  You find pleasure in small things such as watching a kid play baseball or hockey or building legos, you find pleasure in taking an afternoon or weekend off from the repetitive motion that is life to do something spontaneous.  Life goes on, small cherish-able moments continue to occur,  you have to remember that and hold onto that, and appreciate that as hard as it may be.

Life goes on...the only thing left you can do is to go on with it.