P.S. I love you

Yep, you are correct in your thinking.  This post is about the movie P.S. I love you.  I'm sure ALL female readers have delved into this movie, but those of you (guys) who have not it is a tear jerker and clearly the book (movie) is based on a true story (actually not sure if it is, but the truth and reality of this book/movie makes me believe it).  It is about a women in her late 20's/early 30's whose husband passes away from a brain tumor and she has to rediscover herself without her husband.  Sounds vaguely familiar.  The first time I saw this movie I had just gotten out my wisdom teeth, I was 21 years old, Brian and I had been engaged for 2 months, I was at my parents house with a marathon of movies, and completely, utterly sad because Brian did not come with me for my surgery.  I remember being mad at him that day as I sat spitting blood (TMI?).  Then I watched this movie.  I remember watching it and knowing I would have no clue how to handle a situation like that and that all I wanted was to have him next to me forever.

When Brian was first diagnosed he turned to me and said, "Stacey, you are not allowed to watch P.s. I love you,  you will know when you can watch it."  Funny how he knew that, funny that is what he thought of.  Tonight I came home from my internship, heated up some leftovers, and flipped through the channels until low and behold I came across this movie.  I asked myself should I? Should I not? I was on rose pedal away from playing 'he loves me, he loves me not' but I watched it and even DVR it.  As I watched this movie (currently am watching it) I go through each scene wondering if this movie was a foreshadow to my life. 

In the movie the main character spends the first few weeks after her husbands death locked in her house, eating, singing out loud, dancing, internalizing, grieving, mad, and annoyed.  DING DING Stacey for $300 please.  During the time where she is locked up she is bombarded by friends and family phone call after phone call enough to make a person go crazy.  You know people are there to help, want to help, are concerned but there are just some things people can't do, can't say to take away that pain and you just need to be alone.  Alone to cry, alone to think, alone to try to feel the tinniest flow of air and hope that is the presence of your husband, alone to to lay in bed and hope that a mountain of pressure will hit you so feel like you are being held in peaceful arms.  You don't understand that until you go through it.  You can't come out until you are ready to come out, people can't force you to do that.  You can only come out of your comfort shell, that is your home where you spent your life with your husband, when you are ready.  You have to move on, but there is no time limit on moving on, you have to wait till you are guided by your lost loved one.  Sometimes it is a few weeks for others it may be months or a year. 

I remember when Brian first passed how upset I was that he left me here with nothing, no letter to read on bad days, no videotape, nothing.  I guess I hoped you would leave me written instructions on how to continue life, but planning was never Brian's thing, it was mine.  One thing I have been struggling with is how I have no plan.  I'm a huge planner.  I had my life plan,  I had a plan with Brian, my plan has been torn up and set in flames, now there is no plan.  The scariest thing about this past year was not that Brian was going to die, it is the fact I have to go on without him, on my own.  Deep, deep down I know I can and I know he knew I could it is a matter of finding the courage to do so.  In the movie it was said "there is no need for plans they never work out." I try to tell myself that but that doesn't ease the fact that in three days I'm done with school and in 6 weeks I take my licensure exam with no idea what I want to do with my life, where I want to live, anything.  I've always had a plan and now I have nothing, no idea. 

In the movie the main character gets a set of letters from her beloved husband helping her on her journey.  The first letter comes on her birthday with a cake that he planned ahead and had made.  I think about my last birthday I spent with Brian.  He was at the beginning of his quick descent to death.  January 11th my last birthday with him.  My birthday celebration was completely up to me because he was in a hospital bed.  Not to be selfish, but I wish so badly I had a grand celebration, one with just him and me at a bar bellied up, telling jokes, me laughing.  Instead, on my way home from work I picked up his favorite pizza, gave him the first slice, ate mine, got one hug as he laid in bed, then he broke out in a fever and I made him an ice cream cup with m&m's.  Like I said I don't want to be selfish, and I'm thankful I got that night with him, but that was the last way I will remember my birthday with Brian.  He was one for surprises, I hated them, he loved surprising me because I hated them.  He threw me a surprise party two years ago and a surprise dinner the year before.  This year I skipped a present, got his favorite pizza, and watched him sit with a high fever.  Even more selfish of me, I think about the last gift he got me.  The most logical guess, Christmas, nope he had a broken foot so he couldn't go out and he had chemo.  As I did Christmas shopping for everyone including Brian, knowing I wouldn't get anything from him, I told myself skipping opening a present under the tree to have him get better was worth it.  However, he never got better.  I try really hard to think about the last thing he got me and my best guess is maybe flowers before he got sick.  I'm a person who doesn't need things, I'm just reminiscing because you take for granted that what you get could be the last gift you receive. 

It is truly amazing how this movie covers every emotion, feeling, and aspect of losing your spouse.  Even silly, crazy ones.  In one scene the wife is on a trip with her friends in which she learns that her friends have two exciting life events: marriage and a baby.  The main character tries to be happy but at the same time you can see inside her a dark sadness.  WOW, ding ding!  Social media can be a nasty mood changer.  When you read status updates with exciting events such as house hunting, engagements, marriages, and even children you can't help but be sad.  Really, deep down I'm extremely happy for my friends, but the bitter truth smacks you in the face as you realize you don't have that.  The excitement that I have, getting invited out to have a drink with friends in which I get to choose between a Coors light, skinny margarita, or Jeremiah Sweet tea.  In my plan I would have a job and working right now, Brian and I would be looking for houses, and talking about having kids within the next 2 years.  All of that seems like a distinct glimmer of hope now as I set out on this new journey that seems as if I'm lost at sea, surrounded by nothing but open waters in a small paddle boat and no sight of anything remotely resembling land.  It isn't that I'm happy for everyone else, it is that you realize you no longer have that- pure, utter, joy.  Then there is the feeling of 'when do you stop talking about him'.  Here is a bad conversation starter, "hi, I'm a widow my husband died from cancer 6 months ago."  Yep, I may have done that!  One thing I've realized is that every story I tell relates to him.  Do you know how hard it is to meet new people and tell stories about yourself, however, all your stories you say 'we' instead of 'I' and all of them Brian was apart of.  You have to move on, you want someone to accept your past, but at some point you have to stop constantly referring to Brian, you have to let go.  It is a hard line between remembering him and moving on. 

Of course the movie ends with the main character finding a job she loves, letting go and moving forward with peace, and well it is a movie so a possible new love interest.  Although, my movie is hardly coming to an end and I really have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, I see myself starting to move forward and letting go of the sadness,  I guess I have to be patient as Brian quietly opens doors for me and leads me on this journey.  DAMN I still want a letter and planned trip to Ireland, one that entails a small pub tour! 

Details of my past two weekends will come later this week...I have started to panic about not studying enough for my board exam that I'm forcing myself every night to sit and study (tonight I will even turn off the TV as I study)!