Happiness in sarrow

Well Tuesday was a hard day for me as I said good-bye to a near and dear friend who also lost her battle with lymphoma.  I have become very close with her the past year.  Actually, I literally met year a year ago from last week.  I will never forget when Brian introduced us.  I remember coming home (to the hospital) from the clinic just exhausted.  All I wanted to do was sit and relax before our friends brought us dinner.  As soon as I walked in Brian's room he jumped out of bed and said, "come on you have to meet my new friend."  I was like Really?  Can't I sit for a bit and meet your friend later.  He said, "No! Stacey you have to meet this woman right now!"  Thinking she would be our age I was surprised to walk into the room next door and find out that Brian's new friend was a 66y.o. retired pediatric physical therapist.  Confused by his new friend who he was so fond of, I sat down and started to talking to her.  SHE WAS AMAZING.  Words can't express the instant connection I had with her as well as Brian since they were both battling the same thing.  Her kindness and nurturing heart drew anyone she met close to her.  Her and Brian were luckily on the same chemo schedule so every three weeks we got to hang out with her and walk the halls.  During the day when I was away I felt at peace knowing Brian had someone to talk to and hang out with.  Her funeral on Tuesday captured everything she embodied.  It was such a beautiful service, it was hard not to cry.  The pastor made a good statement during the service,  "God brings people in your life for reasons, for seasons, and for life."  How true is that?  How many times do you meet someone for a day and at the end of the night you reflect back and think man that was a good day.  That is GOD at work.  How many times do you make a new friend where that person fills a need in your life for a few years and then you roads diverge.  That is God's work. How many times does someone walk in your life change your life and you can't go back to life before you met that person?  That is God.  God saw a need for carolyn in our life this past year and the one season she was in my life she helped me get through a lot.  Although, I will miss her and will miss Brian, I know God brought them in my life at the times he did for a reason.

After Carolyn's funeral I came home and read what I wrote for Brian's funeral.  For some reason I just wanted to to go back to the day he died.  Although, Brian's funeral was packed, I know many of you weren't there so as I read the words I wrote about Brian I decided to post them.  I guess a way to keep him close in my thoughts this week (even thoughI was wrapped up in his T-shirt quilt all week).  I could feel Brian with me Tuesday especially because our close friends had a baby boy named Benjamin Brian Reed.  How neat, Brian had such an impact that a new life was born to carry on his legacy.  I'm so thrilled for our best friend's as they get to experience a new journey in life with a such a blessing.  I'm a very proud AUNTIE (yep I nicknamed myself auntie).  Can we please get this kid a Hawkeye onsie....I'm on it!!!




Here was my eulogy to Brian:

Brian,

Man do I miss you already.  I missed you the moment your hand let go, the moment you took your last breath, and the moment you looked up to heaven and opened your arms to God.  You were so special; you were my true soul mate.  The bond we had is a bond that many people wait a life time for.  They say it is better to have loved then to never have loved at all.  While this is true, it leaves a pretty big empty hole in your heart when your love is not there.  I remember the first time I met you and you were introduced to me as the ‘nicest guy your will ever meet.’ I didn’t know that 2 months later our paths would cross again and that three years later we would marry.  We started out as best friends who would leave college gatherings to go lie on your bed and talk about life.  We would argue how Bobby Knight was one of the greatest basketball coaches, and at one point I almost had you ready to move to Indiana.  We would always agree how great the Hawkeyes were and we would each select our all-star football team with past players. 

We had deep conversations about family, the meaning of life, and our role in life.  When we finally started dating and our love blossomed I knew why God put you in my life.  He put you there because he knew I needed a kind, gentle person, with a huge passion bucket.  You loved me for me, something I thought no one could ever do.  You had this amazing ability to make me feel special.  I never knew how to take compliments and all you did was compliment me.  Your presence always gave me an overwhelming inner peace.  You found this way to instill confidence in myself as a wife, a sister, a daughter, a student, a friend, and as a person.  I will miss that.  Our entire marriage you dedicated yourself to me.  You would encourage me when I was down, you would bring me dinner at school when I had to study late, you would clean the house (which you hated) so that I had one less thing to worry about.  You cracked open this vault in me and opened a part I never knew I had.  I was always independent and strong willed but with you I was dependent upon your love, I needed you. You found a way to make me fall in love with more in the 2.5 years we were married.   

Last April our lives were flipped upside down and God’s true role for you in this world was revealed.  For ten months I would try defy God’s plan but deep down we both knew the result.  You were too special for this world, to unique to be here forever.  God gave you the qualities he gave you because he needed you to open our eyes, our minds, and our hearts.  You never gave cancer the opportunity to define you, but you defined it.  You were a fighter; I don’t know how you made it look so easy, you never showed how much you were suffering.  You managed to always have a smile on, you managed to still console me, and you managed to fill my love bucket up all while being so sick.  God wanted you to be his disciple and he called you to duty and you did as he asked.  You would share his love with others by your actions and words.  It is easy in life to question God and you always told me not to, you would say just believe, be patient, he is there.  You were right.  We were both so scared the past two weeks.  You said you were scared about how God was going to take you.  I told you he is going to be at heaven’s gate waiting for you, and you would see him.  I was saying that to calm your nerves, but that was true.  Tuesday at 1:30 you kept trying to lift your arms. I asked if you were hot and then with every ounce of energy you had, you opened your eyes, looked at the sky, lifted your arms and hugged God.  That was the one picture I needed to never question God again.  You taught me lessons even with your last breath.  That was God’s plan for you. You were his seed on earth. 

You told me I had to move on, you told me you were proud of me, you told me you would love me from heaven.  However I wish you were here.  I wish I could kiss you, I wish I could hug you, I wish I could hear one last joke, I wish we could go to one more Iowa game, I wish we could see another Cub win, I wish there were more OAR concerts, I wish we had road trips, I wish we could have one more high life, I wish we could be cuddled up on the coach forever.  You will always be my soul mate, you will always be my husband, and you will always be my first love.  You were my world and I was yours.  Thank you for kindness, your patience, and your love.  Save a seat for me up there.

Always and Forever we will be,

Love,

Stacey

I want to leave with you all with another look on Brian’s legacy.

When Brian was diagnosed it was incredible how daily words transformed to take on a new meaning.  How many times a day do you routinely say I love you to your loved ones?  You end phone conversations, text messages, emails with this saying out of habit.  How many times a day when you say I love you do you say it with passion, with hope, with real love?  No one knows when our last days will be because that is God’s plan not our plan.  We have to remember that and escape from our comfortable habits.  When you say something mean it, act on it, and live it. That was Brian.  He may have out of habit left his dishes out for me to pick up but every time he said “I love you” or “Thank you for taking care of me” or “you are the best wife ever” he said it in a way that would make me really feel loved. 

The day Brian found out he had cancer we decided to go to the store as a distracter.  Every single person he passed he said “hello, how are you, I hope you have a good day.”  He just found out he was severely ill but had the courage and love to think of others.  We let our attitude control us too much in this life.  Brian always said attitude is a choice and it is.  You might have spilled coffee on your favorite shirt, had a bad test, or lost your car keys but remember not to let your attitude dictate who you are.  Brian taught me that. 

In the beginning of this journey Brian one night in bed said, “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m sick.  There is nothing for them to feel sorry for.  I have a loving wife, great parents, and great friends.  Some people don’t have that and we should feel sorry for them and change that.” 

When Brian was student teaching he had a special education student who would walk into class every day and say, “Mr. Pritchard, today is the best day of my life.” Every day Brian asked why and everyday it was a different reason as to why it was the best day of this kid’s life.  Brian would call me and tell me this every day and said if only everyone else could stop, take a moment and appreciate what happened that day, appreciate what put a smile on their face that day, then we would all have the best day of our life, even if it was because the vending machine popped out two snickers instead of one.  That is how Brian lived and that is how he wanted everyone around him to live. 

Brian and I had our first dance to this song.  When we were planning our wedding I chose it because it reminded me of Brian and selected it again because it still reminds me of Brian.  Brian loved life; he loved every aspect of it.  He loved waking up to a new day, he loved Friday’s after work, and he loved football Saturday (even if the Hawks lost).  Most of all he loved the people that made life great. To him every part of this world was wonderful and what a wonderful world it was. 

When life knocks you down, when you are angry or sad, or just having a bad day.  Think about Brian, think about his spirit, and think about his passion for life.  Tell yourself, “Just try and ruin my day.” 

This weekend I have crazy, big, fun plans so that means Monday-ish I will have a an update!  I hope you all had a great week and have an excellent weekend filled with laughs, smiles, hugs, and special people!