SPV-small personal victory

Well Sunday was a day full of SPV's for this girl.  In the words of Brian a day where you can find SPV's is a good day.  Everyone should be able to find SPV's everyday hence everyday should be a good day.  Sunday was a good day.

I started the day by going out to hit golf balls with my sister. I'm in the process of learning how to golf and it was Brian's and I plan to get a season pass this summer...that didn't happen.  Brian loved to play golf so I thought it would be a fun sport to play together. Brian was my teacher.  He would walk me through the game.  He always told me what club to use and when to use it.  He would tell me how to improve my swing, how to straighten out my shot, and how to shake the last hit off.  I have been really wanting to go play golf so since it was a whopping 87 degrees on Sunday I hit balls.  Brian would be so proud.  I only topped half the bucket of balls and they other half I hit 100 yards into STRONG wind so really it would have been like 150yards.  I hit straight down the center.  I have never hit a ball like that before and so consistent.  I guess Brian is still teaching me from up above. 

After hitting balls my sister and I headed to church.  Sadly, this was my first time back to Church since Brian passed.  I couldn't muster up the guts to go. I know that is sad.  I was strong in my faith the entire time but going to Church brought uneasy feelings.  I think because I think of him, I think of the last time we went, the first time we went when he was first diagnosed, I think about how much I prayed and prayed the past year.  The bible says put all things up in prayer and your prayer will be answered.  Sometimes answers to our prayers aren't the answers we want, that is hard to accept.  With every dr. appointment I prayed harder, I read more passages, but in the end it was not the answer I wanted.  It is hard to understand.  Like all things in life we can try to push away and lead our own life but you have to give up and follow God's path.  I'm ready to start that again, it took time.

I told myself a million times that the year 2011 has to be better, then Brian died.  Yet somehow I feel glimmers of hope for the year.  As much I would trade to still be driving him around to dr. appointments or sitting in a hospital with him I'm relieved that he doesn't have to suffer.  I have a weight lifted off my shoulders that he doesn't have to be poked and prodded, that he doesn't have to take 14 pills a day anymore, that he doesn't have to worry and stress about the future or about me.  It is hard to believe that is the glimmer of hope I see in the world right now.  I don't have to see Brian in and out feeling good and feeling bad.  Most people don't see hope in that because it means death, but I do.  I lived and watched for 10 months Brian fight, I want him to still fight, but I'm relieved that he gets to take a break and just be happy, eternally happy.  I see a new light in my life now, a new hope, brightness in new things and new relationships.  I can hold onto enough hope in all that. 

My third SPV for the day: the grill.  Brian did all the grilling in our house.  I have a huge fear of propane and propane explosions.  So much so when Brian changed the tank or lit the grill I would step inside and on the opposite side of the house- I'm just crazy.  He would always laugh at me.  With the nice weather all I could do is crave grilled food, homemade grilled food not restaurant style.  I mustered up the guts to whip out the grill, attach a propane tank, and light it!  I then marinated some chicken-tequila lime- and seasoned some veggies and grilled the perfect dinner to a good day.  Brian and I loved grilling and loved creating new meals to grill.  Brian would have loved my dinner.  I'm proud that I grilled.  I guess a new step on my new path with many more firsts and new things for a new Stacey.