Life as I now know it

As I was driving to Nashville on Friday I had an idea...I should have my own reality show. If I did, I think I would call it Life As I Now Know It. Starting over, re-defining myself, finding my new self- all with me and my sarcasm :), oh and my new journey. All a dream, but I did see the filming of two reality shows this weekend. While walking on Broadway in Nashville we got to the taping of 'the next nasvhille star'. Apparently, similar to America idol but country. I was the cute blond walking through the cross walk...not paying attention, getting yelled at, all while distracted by my very tasty smoothie. We we checked into our hotel on Friday we were not delighted to know that there was a beauty pageant also joining us. We got there just in time to see the TLC crew for Toddlers & Tiaras bunking up a few doors down. I really did think about knocking on their door and pitching my show, but the Chocolate wine I was drinking hadn't kicked in yet. Chocolate wine, yes, that is the only way I could survive the 20 hours of frilly dresses, fake nails on 3 year olds, and clouds of aerosol hairspray and spray tan. I thought that show was scary before but now I just have a pure fear. I have been doing some serious evaluating of my life, now that I have seen a 6 year old with better deltoids then me. Great!

Nashville was fun. I came, I conquered, I have a headache. I'm not a huge fan of country and there were way too many cowboy boots for me, but overall it is a must visit. We had fun going in and out of all the bars listening to live music, perhaps too much fun. Brian and I loved live music so I know he would have loved it here. It was hard being there without Brian. There were so many thins that would made me think of Brian. We ate at a sweet BBQ joint and I thought, oh man B would love this pork and these ribs, I should buy him some sauce. Then as my friend and I went in and out of places I thought, oh I have so many good stories for B when I talk to him- I have to tell him about the wall I tried to scale, the amount of Bass Pro Shop hats I saw, the sweet Irish bar. Then I thought, crap, I'm not going to see Brian again, he wont get to eat BBQ again, and I'm not going to talk to him. Then I got sad.



I miss having companionship, someone to to always talk to and someone who is always there. It's not the same as having friends and family. It is not the same support, not the same feeling,just not the same. Everyone always says use your family and friends...while I need them, there is only so much they can do and offer. What is the hardest is listening to people give this advice...because they still get to go home to their loved one. They have that companionship, someone who understands you in and out, someone to have pillow talk with. I don't. I miss that. It is becoming hard to listen to people say the same thing over and over, especially because majority of people don't understand what it is like. I had my husband for 5 years, not 25 years. People grief in different ways, people work through life in different ways. I guess I 'm different. I work through it by just sucking it up and internally figuring out my plan. It doesn't mean I'm closing myself off- really I'm still blogging aren't I. It is how I deal, I've made it through 25 years ok, so I now I can handle the next 25 ok. Life is never easy, there are always rough patches, it is how you learn from those patches and grow that matters.


Well I have settled into my new home for the week in Knoxville, TN. It is so BEAUTIFUL, quiet, peaceful and just the perfect place to sit, think, and move on. Night One: pizza and ice cream. I was given the rules of my new household: every night no matter what happy hour from 4-6. So being the polite person I am, I obeyed thy rules with a spike Arnold Palmar Pomegranate drink, and continued happy hour into a night cap and called it a night.




Tomorrow is a new day...new adventures of a new Stacey.




Here are some pictures thus far:

The pretzel twist dance...for when you can't dance in car because you are being passed by another car.
the first of many Crackle Barrel'sWaffle Stop- at every exit in the South

Day 3 of Road Trip: Food for Road Trippin'...Fiber One Bars- actually I was hungry and found this in my car.

chocolate wine, YUM

Bar 4Jack's BBQ, so YUMMY even though we got made fun of from being from IOWA

fCowboy boots everywhere...they are so expensive, how often does one have to replace boots? That is like a months rent for me.Coyote Ugly! Night 2 in Nashville.
My last night of Binge eating...pizza and ice cream. Monday Begins fruit and salad detox.

second leg of trip

So the first leg of my trip landed me in Indianapolis to see family. I spent one night with my grandma and the other night with my cousins. I thought I would make it to the great state of Tennessee by Thursday night but a worried grandma and winter advisory kept me another night. Actually,I loved it. I got to see my cousins and hang out with them. I slept in a room with a giant cardboard replica of Justin Bieber....whoop, whoop. It was hard to contain myself to bed.

The plan today is to drive to Nashville, TN. One of my friends from school is in TN so we are meeting up in Nashville to paint the town with fun! It is always nice to have someone to go to places with when you are in a touristy area. I hope to catch some good live music, Brian and I loved live music.

On the way here I realized that I forgot my wedding ring. The first night I felt pretty sick about it. I had this knot that kept turning and turning in the pit of my stomach. I always took it off while I showered and simply forgot to put it back on with the hustle of leaving so quickly on Tuesday. It feels so weird not to have it on. I feel like I'm doing a horrible thing. So as I drove I sat and sat and just thought about it. I'm not sure there is an exact time when you can take a precious thing like that off. When is too soon and when is too long? It ate me and ate me but I came to realize that is now real. Brian isn't coming back, he isn't going to walk in the door one day as if he was getting milk for 3 weeks. I try to hold onto him through that ring, it is a security blanket. But sometimes you need a cold hard slap in face to realize what is true. I tried to forget about it, but during parts of the day I go to twirl my ring and it isn't there. I have to face it head on a accept that I'm not doing an in-justice to Brian, I have to move on. That is hard.

I remember when Brian bought my ring. It was my junior year of college and we both went on spring break with our friends. He went to Vegas and I went to Florida. Every year his roommates and him would go to Vegas and just play poker. That year was special. Brian entered a poker tournament in Vegas and after a grueling day he won the entire tournament. I think he beat like a couple thousand players- I could be wrong. I remember he called me and I was out with friends but I was SO excited. I kept calling him to tell him to put all the money in his bank and that he couldn't play again. He just had to save it...HAHA. With his win he was offered to go back out to Vegas and play in another tourney. Had he won that he would have played in the World Series Of Poker. Pretty Sweet and always his dream... before me. Unfortunately he got 18th out 200 in that tourney so he did not advance but he still rocked it. The funny thing is, is that anytime he went to a casino after that big win he never did as well. That was fate, him and that tourney. It gave him the means to purpose to me, something he never would have been able to do otherwise. Anytime I would frown because he went to the casino he would black mail me and say, "if it wasn't for my poker you wouldn't have a ring baby!"

Well good-bye Indy and hello Nashville...hopefully I will post pictures on my next post- driving and picture taking is not easy. I keep trying to get pictures of the State line but I always miss.

Sparks Fly, I hit the ground running, thumb in the air at the side of road...

The theme song to my new journey and a song on everyone of Brian's mix Cd's. I hit the road, with no itinerary, no plan, just ideas and that is all. I thought about taking a road trip and Tuesday night I packed my bag late got in the car and drove. I stopped in Iowa City to stay with a friend and then got up today and headed to Indianapolis.

This is the first time in my life I literally have nothing to do, know one to worry about, nothing holding me back. So I decided to take advantage of it. Brian and I loved going on road trips. Our last road trip was to Kansas City to watch his beloved Chiefs. We had so much fun sitting in the car, talking, jamming out, sleeping- me. The idea of going on the road by myself scares the PEE out of me. It is completely out of Stacey's comfort zone. I have never gone any where by myself and now I'm thinking about going half way across the country on a whim. Why not? Life is short. This trip I know will be very empowering for me. It will show me I can do it. I can survive on my own. When Brian and I got married and my parent's took us to the airport for our honeymoon I cried as I went through security. I was so scared to go without my parents. They were my secuirty blanket. If something went wrong on a trip my dad was always there to fix it. After that trip I learned to relay on Brian, he was my new blanket. Now I'm my own security blanket. That is scary to me. But I have to prove to myself I can do it.

I didn't sleep last night in anticipation and sheer nerves. What am I going to do? Do you know how hard it is to pack when you absolutely now clue what you will be doing? I have a suitcase and a bag. I brought 7 pairs of shoes- flats, red heels :), flip flops, sneakers, etc. I have a few pairs of sweat pants, a swim suit, t-shirts, jeans, and nice shirts. Hopefully, I find something to do or go with all of that.

Any suggestions on places to go? I'm headed to Knoxville, TN for the weekend and no clue after that. I have to be home by March 20th and that is about all I know.

It feels good to do something like this. Until this past weekend I hadn't gone to the store to buy myself something since Brian was diagnosed. I had a massage in which I used a gift card he gave me the Christmas before, I bought one pair of shoes out of pure need becuase I couldn't walk my old ones were giving such bad blisters. This past weekend I treated myself to two pairs of shoes on sale and one shirt on sale. I found a lot of ways to cut spending when Brian was diagnosed. And anything that was 'want' went out the window so that stuff we 'needed' could be purchased. However, we always found ways and room to let ourselves have fun and I will never regret how we spent the past 10 months.

Since the time Brian broken his foot until he passed I literally dropped everything to be at his side. Every appointment I was at, every minute in the hosptial, I was giving him baths and feeding him at the end. I literally did it all and with that came little sleep and little time for myself. So this now is my time, my time to relax, catch up on sleep, and re-discover myself.

As I drove from Iowa City to Indianapolis. I listened to Cd after Cd of Brian's music. While all very similar, I felt him talking to me. Tellling me to go, just go, just drive. So that is what I did. I stopped once for gas otherwise it was 6.5 hours of straight driving, listening to music, and dancing. I have created some really sweet moves. I have perfected the head nod very well. At times when people were driving next to me and I couldn't dance- out of pure embarassment- I would twirl my pretzel. Yep the pretzel twirl new move, check. You can only use it in major cities when there is more road traffic.

Sometimes I got bored or lonely but when those times came I would purporsely take a wrong turn so my Garmin would talk to me. I personally like the British accent for Garmin, it is pretty funny when she tells you to 'turn now' 8 times in a row and I can tell that Garmin is getting mad but I keep purposefully not turning- becuase I'm far superior at navigating then her. "Recalculating" in Garmin computer code I'm pretty sure is "you idiot, why are you so stupid."

Well I stopped in Indianapolis to see my grandma so I'm going to visit with her. Who knows where I will be tomorrow or what I will be doing. Scary but yet exciting.

Songs for life

In case you are wondering...yes I did go back and buy the red heels! I wore jeans two days in a row. I even put product in my hair on Saturday. I'm stepping out. However, this is much more work then I imagined. I had to put things in my shoes so they hurt less, my sister made me rub my feet with this blister blocker - it looked like deodorant for feet but it worked. I had to do squats after putting my jeans on so I could breath. Can't we all just wear sweat suits and Asics with our hair in pony tails? Although, it was a lot of work I went out with some friends and it was just what I needed, to be social. That is what Brian would want me to do. Brian couldn't stand to be alone, he always had to have people around. Not me, I loved having a Stacey day, a day to sit on the couch, clean in quite, AHHH the life. The odd thing is, I crave socializing right now. I'm one step away from sitting at an airport terminal to meet strangers. People who aren't going to ask how am I doing, am I ok, how are you handling things. Someone who doesn't know me, who has no clue the life change I'm making. The last thing I want to do is talk about the past 10 months. I lived it, it is always in my head. It would be a breath of fresh air not to here about cancer, about grieving, about the loss of my love. Something new, something that is not a constant reminder, a break for my mind. That is what Saturday night was...and I loved it. Meaningless conversation with a stranger followed by fun with good friends.

Songs for life...

So I spent the weekend going through Brian's Cd's and organizing them. Brian loved music and most days he would be DJing some beat that was a description of his day. He was very notorious for his mix Cd's at college parities and if he ever went out you can guarantee the first thing he did, even before placing a drink order, was to march over and plug the jukebox- by plug I mean if a bystander requested a song they would have to pay double in order for one of their songs to be played over Brian's. While Brian was getting chemo he would walk laps around the hospital with his disc man- yes that is correct disc man, he was way to cool for this school.

I never understood how an avid music lover would never take care of his Cd's, but that was Brian. On our media counsel I have a freezer bag full of Cd's, not labeled, and scratched. I told Brian, um probably 10 times in the past 2 years, to go through them to see if they worked. He never did, not surprised. So out of my need for organization I decided to delve into this project.

I think all things happen for a reason...I think as humans we don't understand it because it is far beyond our reasoning. In two years I never understood why Brian would not go through his Cd's...heck he made them, he would more then likely want to hear them again. Today I understand why. Brian left me a collection of mix tapes to get through life. Brian had this canning ability to listen to a song and decipher the lyrics and on a deep level and know really what the musician meant. It was so amazing. Every song I've heard with Brian, he at some point explained to me what it meant. Most of the mix Cd's are comprised of the same handful of songs but those were Brian's favorite songs and he loved them for a reason.

It has taken me three days but I have finally been through every CD he has. The only conclusion I can come up with is Brian knew not to go through them himself. He knew I needed to. He knew the music he left me would get me through this journey and my next journey. His mix tapes will get me through the first days of springs when the sun is out, the air is crisp, and you can finally drive with your windows down. His songs will get me through the days where I feel alone, dark, sad, and mad. He left me songs to play when I meet someone, something gitty, that makes me feel warm and loved (a CD I found that he made for my 2oth birthday party-FIESTA- that until I listened to again this weekend never realized every song was about a boy and girl in love, we weren't even dating then- I guess I was bad a picking up hints). His songs will encourage me, inspire me, let me know it is going to be ok. He has left me with this ability to be still, open my ears and listen to the words, the true meaning of the words. Lyrics come alive now and they do so through him.

As I sat and cleaned all his Cd's- who knew it was a science to cleaning Cd's, organic soap, specific directions to wipe, specific towels- memories flooded in. Songs that reminded me of the good times and bad. Some songs brought on tears others smiles. Majority of them however made me compelled to dance. Brian and I loved to dance- there were times in college where people would throw $5 to keep us dancing. The house band at one of our favorite venues new
all of our favorites. A year ago last week we were on vacation to San Diego, well I was attending a conference but Brian tagged along- we went out with some classmates and the manager asked Brian and I to stand on this stage and dance. At the end of the night this guy asked us for a picture because we were the highlight of his night. We always had fun, we were good at having fun together. So as I sat in the living room cleaning Cd's, rubbing them with banana's - apparently takes away scratches- I jumped up and danced. Danced to "I would walk 500 miles" or "Come on Irene", and perhaps all of Justin Timberlake's hits- yep my neighbors now might have me committed. I even did "shout" by myself. Brian loved "shout", I think we played it every hour at his 21st. birthday- the night Brian told me he liked me, the night he first kissed me, the night I said I think we need to be friends but he was to darn persistent (the only thing he was persistent about). Most of the Cd's weren't labeled so I had to label them. Labels like: "OAR LIVE....we were probably front row at this show" OR "No clue who this is, you won't like it" OR "If you ever host a party play this" or "Was at some point a top hit on BET" or "If you have a bad day, put black clothes on, lay on the closet floor with Kleenex and Brian's favorite shirt sprayed with his cologne" followed by the next CD "play after previous CD with sweat pants on and a tub of ice cream" then there is "take this to the gym" and "put this on after previous Cd's with jeans, make up, and go find a Coors". None of these title's are as good as Brian's: ''This CD was created simply for the fact that people like to listen to 80's music. Do not use for any other reason."

Although, Brian isn't here with me,
he is still guiding me. He left me with a trail and some good hiking music for that trail. With each valley there is a song with each peak there is a REALLY REALLY good song. It is my turn to understand and listen to the words. He will speak to me I just have to wait.


**I was hoping I would have inherited a box of letters and a scavenger hunt similar to Gerard Butler in 'P.S. I love you'. Instead I have a bag of mix Cd's. This will do.

1000 + mall rats

Well day number 10 of 1000+ hits on the blog. We, I mean, I am becoming very popular in the entire Continent of Asia and the country of Canada (Bieber fever no more it is STACEY FEVER). HOLA. I think it is because there are Hawkeye pictures on here and Asians love themselves some IOWA. Remember that Asian girl band two years ago who featured a Hawkeye helmet in the music video? And Canada, who knows why but it is ok with me.

You all keep emailing telling me how inspiring you think I am. I don't think so. I'm pretty inspired by everyone other then me. What inspires me is my late husband who was always so positive, who loved life, even all the curve balls we got. My mother in law, who after experiencing all this could still turn to God for love, peace, comfort, and strength. My older sister who puts everyone else first before herself. My little sister who has always done anything she could to help- before, during, and after all this. My parents who have given up a lot for their kids, so that we could have a pretty great life. One of my best friends who finds the words to give me strength, who opens her arms for me, who helps me carve a new path. Furthermore, all of you are inspiring. I have met only a handful of the people who have supported Brian and I during this journey. You have opened your hearts, your arms, and your prayers to Brian and I. That is pretty inspiring. I don't know you, will more then likely never know you, but yet you donated to us, sent us cards, sent us emails. Don't turn to me for inspiration, look in the mirror, you are pretty great too!


Now the sarcastic part...come on did you really think I wouldn't have anything sarcastic to say? It is how i heal, sarcasim.

Now to the mall rats. I have to share this Because it was one of the few highlights to my day, wait week. Well today I did it, I took steps out of the house. I showered, did my HAIR*, put jeans on, even a nice shirt and thought heck lets get out of here. I went to Best Buy walked around, don't ask me why but I did. I was pretty close to playing Rock Band by myself. LAME. I then ran an errand to target and decided well while I'm at it lets just go to the mall. I walked into a mall full of teenage crazed high schooler's. I forgot it was state wrestling...every Des Moines resident should just stay home till Sunday. Between the rah rah of cheerleaders and hormone raged boys I managed to get one group of 15 year old's to yell you're HOT. At first I was like hmmm I appreciate that compliment because my jeans had something else to say today. Then as I walked away I thought oh crap I'm definitely ending up on some kind of list- I just appreciated a compliment from a boy whose jeans were way tighter then mine, whose hair was way more golden then mine, and whose face was in much better shape then mine (dear side effects from stress you can please leave now). After that incident I thought if I bought a new pair of shoes my morale would be better. So I found a sweet deal on some sweet shoes, $10 flats to be exact. I was pretty stoked but my sister reminded me while we were getting drinks tonight that I'm single and while Soccer Mom flats may be comfortable, aren't sending out any good vibes. Tomorrow I will be returning to DSW for the red heels that were also on sale- way less comfortable. I will have to add, while we were getting drinks in my new flats, we were offered free appetizers. THANK YOU BOB, I will more then likely not be using you as my insurance agent even though you bought me lettuce wraps. Brian, while I did ask you to send me some new friends, this is not what I had in mind.

When I was sifting through shirts at Forever 21, I kept thinking man I drew the short stick on this deal. Brian gets to sit up there having fun- I'm pretty sure Heaven is way more fun then down here- bouncing around on clouds, walking on streets of gold, and I'm stuck in a mall with teenagers. AHHHH. I hate being stuck down here to deal with life. I think most people are scared about death, but after this past week, I know where Brian is there is no pain, no suffering, no sadness, no grieving. I'm in worse shape then him now. That is pretty amazing. Although, according to all Iowan's, "in heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here." So in honor of Brian and his love to indulge in a little hops and barley I will toast to him tonight.

lean cusine

For those of you keeping track at home- I ate 2 lean cuisines yesterday, 1 today. I calculated that my vegetable intake is about 5-6 servings a day. In case your are journaling ;). For dinner I made my special quesadilla's- I invented them in college for Brian. They became very popular, especially around 1-1:30 am.

Brian loved his condiments. No, really LOVED them. I wish God would have given us a sign around, um, December 20th on our future. I now have a fridge full of Sam's Club size hot sauce, jalapenos, ketchup, and BBQ sauce. I may start selling pickled jalapenos to kid's as they leave school- perk to being across the street from Valley High School- does that get you on any kind of list or jail? I might have to re-think that.

Sorry for the bluntness of last, this, and future posts. If it isn't positive enough for you, sorry, no answers other then you might want to remove this from your favorites for about 1-2 months. Grieving isn't easy, it sucks. So many people are worried about me, not sure why I have survived every other curve ball in life, I will survive this. As yesterday, no one can do this for me, no one can fix it. Time can fix it I know that. I can't give up on my faith, but to be honest I'm pretty ticked off. I feel like God was teasing me...teasing me with pure, utterly joy and happiness the past 2.5 years. I feel like a fat kid on a treadmill with a dangling candy bar in front of me. Not cool.

Got the house cleaned and put back together. Towards the end, Brian lost control of going to the bathroom. I swear I could smell urine in the living room so today- I had some free time- I sniffed the entire carpet, found the spot, and shampooed it. I'm sure I looked pretty normal to all bystanders walking by, yep even had the shades opened today.

The UPS man dropped off a package today, first time I met him, will be ordering more stuff via UPS. After that embarrassment, I decided 48 hours of not showering was too long and I should get out of my PJ's from Monday night. So I did just that, even did a load of laundry. I got very bold and took the trash out. While I was doing that I noticed a neighbor going to the dumpster with about 6 pizza boxes, I thought just hurry up no human contact. Well of course that didn't happen, my garbage flew everywhere. While I was chasing it down, in my snow boots, my hair wet and a hot mess, in new pj's & Brian's Iowa shirt the neighbor made it to the dumpster. While he threw in his boxes the wind took it and I subsequently got covered in old, eaten, chicken wing bones- are they left over from the Super Bowl? I believe it. Yep life couldn't get better, covered in another man's trash.

I watched Dan Patrick show all morning. Brian and I would watch this while he was in the hospital or getting chemo. I have now turned all efforts to becoming a Danette- DP's crew! I'm coming up with a list of items to call in about. I'm kicking 'CIS' off (Chris in Syracuse-for you non DP show watchers). Stacey in Des Moines. I see the man cave in my future.

While carpet shampooing I watched Black Hawk down. I think I can begin to re-kindle Josh Hartnet's and I relationship. I also think Gerard Butler and I should begin to kindle a relationship-Brian would get mad because that guy was in every Chick Flick I watched ;).

Tomorrow's project- organizing Tupperware. Why is it there is always missing lids? I swear whoever steals the socks from the dryer steals Tupperware lids.

Reality

I'm a list person, I need stuff to do. There has been so much to do the past week to keep me busy and my mind at ease. That list is dwindling. Yesterday 2.5 months of limited sleep and a week of tears caught up to me. I knew it was a matter of time before I was sick. However, laying in bed and sleeping all day is not easy.



Yesterday I decided to return to Des Moines to start brushing my shoulders off and a accepting my new life. In one day I have a new life, a new role, a new identity. I'm no longer a caregiver something that became so normal. I got used to juggling 10 balls in the air and now all those balls of have fallen. I don't have to wake up early to dispense pills, give Brian a shower, get him dressed, make him breakfast, take his temperature, get him in the car, run to the pharmacy, run to the dr. office. Nothing. I'm on leave from school so for the first time in my life my identity is in limbo. I told myself when I got home to Des Moines I would start studying for my boards for school. I realized today that is much easier said then done. It is to easy to hide myself in a book in a library without accepting what is going on around me.



A good friend told me I can't rush through this I have to let time take its course, I have to go through the steps of grieving. Step 1: Denial. I'm struggling through denial as reality is setting in. I keep teetering between denial, and step 2: anger. I feel like I'm on a ride at Six Flags, the one that shoots the roller coaster up to the end of a track then falls backwards to the platform. Platform: denial, end of track: anger. Back and forth. I think I will begin a kick boxing class when I hit full blown anger.

Everyone wants to help. There is nothing anyone can do. No words once can say, no actions to take away the pain. I'm grieving, just let me grieve- if I want to grieve with you I will call you. Yes. I'm eating (that is annoying being asked by everyone) let me ate. Yes I have a few drinks, let me drink. Being in a slight margarita stupor in order to sleep the week after you become a widow at 25 never killed anyone. In fact I think the lime I got in mine last night was my Valentines gift from Brian. Everone cares about me and I'm lucky to have such great friends and family. However, getting 35-yes 35 tests saying Happy Valentines Day a week after my husband passed away was a little much. I think all single people out there can agree when you have no one the best thing you can do is turn on the si-fi channel (polar opposite of the Hallmark channel) and pretend Feb. 14th is the same as Feb.15th. By evening the explosioin of texts calmed down, I for the day, needed a margarita and food- yes I ate, two enchiladas sans beans and rice for those of you journaling- so my sister and I got Mexican.

Today's agenda: clear out the DVR and lay on Brian's couch. I'm saving putting everything away for tomorrow or the next day so I have something to do. I found some chocolate peanust butter cup ice cream in the freezer I will more then likely hit that up too- for all you keeping count.

New day and a New Pain

Today was pretty surreal. Writing the obit, picking out urns, identifying a body, planning a funeral- just surreal. How is that when you feel your world has just crashed from right under you the person in the car next you is having the best day? It is weird to drive around to all these places while grieving but everything around you is carrying on as normal. People are out doing normal things.



For the past ten months there has always been something to do, something to keep you busy. This week there is stuff to do, stuff to plan, something to keep me busy. The hard days will be when I don't have something to plan.



Today was the first day I could talk to people. Today I was stronger then Tuesday. Tuesday was so hard. Brian was the social one he was the one that healed by being with people, not me. I need to internalize everything, I have to take a time out from the world be myself, reflect, and create a plan. I received good advice, don't plan the future just plan tomorrow, tomorrow plan the next day, the next day plan the day after that. With such a huge change you become flooded with emotions and it is hard not to let your mind wonder, but the best thing you can do is control your mind and hone in on one day at a time. I was able to talk to friends, shed a few tears myself, but console others and their tears because that is me. I don't like to feel sorry myself and don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want to lift others up, because that is what Brian did.



Here is the link to Brian's services, sorry it took so long, so much to do. http://murdochfuneral.frontrunnerpro.com/runtime/3056/runtime.php?SiteId=3056&NavigatorId=53731&viewOpt=dpaneOnly&ItemId=651425&op=tributeMemorialCandles

The sun always sets

This morning when I laid with Brian I saw the sun peak thru the blinds in his room...I knew that today was the day. God opened his gates today and let Brian into his arms. I'm not, will be, or was ready to let go of Brian but I knew it was God's will and what is God's will, will be. As the sun sets tonight I see it as the sun setting on Brian's life on Earth but tomorrow when the sun comes back it will be the light on his new life in Heaven. Good- Bye only hurts because you love someone so much...and that is why today is so painful and heavy on my heart. I did whatever I could to change God's plan the past 10 months but no matter how hard WE fought God needed him more. I miss Brian so much already I just wish he could come and wrap me up in his arms. I loved being in his arms...when I was there, there was always an overwhelming peace on me. He gave me strength to get through each day, he gave me peace when I was anxious, he gave me the confidence I needed in myself. Man I love him. My heart will always weep and Brian told me, "Stacey time heals all wounds, you need time." I feel like eternity would not be enough time to get over my true love. Brian when he was strong told me to remember this...and I think it is something we can all use forever. This phrase speaks to Brian's character, the person he was, what he loved most about in life. "Stacey, remember, there is always good in people, you just have to find it." His grandfather told him that, and I believe when Heaven's gates opened his grandparents were there behind God to welcome him in. I can't wait till the day when he greets me. Brian loved life, LOVED it. With the bad he could always find the good. He had this unremarkable way to put a smile on my face...even when he tried to say 'I love you' for the last time.

Brian and I both found this blog therapeutic. It was our own personal therapist without the bills :). It was a way for us to have the relief of not answering 100 phone calls but yet express our minds to let things go. I know my new journey in life is going to be hard with many bumps, but with every bump I hope God blesses me with a TALL peak! I told Brian this would be my way of communicating with him and letting go of my thoughts.

I want to thanks you all for being with us on this long journey. I like to thank my gracious in-laws for loving me unconditionally. I want to thank my family for everything they have done to support me, even though it was hard for me to express that. I want to thank our friends who set this entire thing up and everyone else who donated, sent cards, emails, texts, meals, EVERYTHING.

All I want right now is to lay where Brian was yesterday as he was getting prepared for hospice. I want this bed to conform to me and hug me, I want it to be Brian. It is not a hospital bed, it is a place I can remember and can always crawl in. I miss him. I wish he was here.

To carry on Brian's legacy during his journey the past 10 months to witness to others I will leave you with this picture. Brian saw God, his last movements, he opened his arms lifted them to the sky looked and looked at the sky. I know Brian saw God. I know God was there with open arms and Brian was accepting God's hug. If you are not a believer I'm not sure what more proof there is in the this mortal world. I witnessed it with my own eyes and has forever been engraved. God is there, he is looking over us, he has a plan for all (although I think this plan sucked), look into your hearts and accept his love because the grass is a lot greener on his side.

-stacey

Some stuff is out of your hands

This is a difficult to post to write in so many ways. Today Brian was having a rough morning and we decided that it was time we go back home to Cedar Rapids to be with family. Brian will be admitted to the Mercy Hospice House this evening so that he can get receive the appropriate care that he needs. Right now we are spending time with family.

Brian and I appreciate all of your support, kind words, encouragement, donations, meals and everything. The past 10 months have been very rough and it has been a such a long journey. Brian and I have fought as hard as we could but we know and understand, as hard as it is, that God has a bigger plan for us.

Thanks for everything!

All you need sometimes is just a little sleep...

After another chaotic day yesterday Brian finally woke up rested, the first time since December. Yesterday we had to be at the Dr.'s office early and with the bad weather we were rushing around like mad men which resulted in a short hospital stay. When we got to the office all the running around left Brian with a very high heart rate, low blood pressure, and very low blood counts. Due to his safety we decided he should go up for observation while he got his blood and platelets. Brian did not sleep well Tuesday night and he kept telling doctors if he could just lay and sleep he would be fine. After Being admitted for about 8 hours and sleeping for about 6 his heart rate and blood pressure normalized and they allowed him to go home. When he got home he ate some dinner relaxed on the couch and went to bed. That was the most sleep I think he has gotten at night in a long time. This morning when we went to get his counts checked everything was up, except for his white blood cells- mask time! He still had to get platelets but it was much better then yesterday. His heart rate is still slightly elevated but it is so fatiguing for him to get in out of the car and the Dr. office with his broken foot that we use that as an excuse because it usually levels out later on. Every person we saw today commented how this was the best Brian has looked in a while so that is a good day in my book. While I was parking, Brian was even talking with a stranger in the lobby, something he hasn't done in a while because he hasn't felt well.

It is still very difficult for him to have visitors as he fatigues very easily and can't handle a lot at once nor longer then an hour.

Please pray he continues to have more good days and that his counts stay somewhat up.

Thanks for all the emails, cards, and comments. Brian had enough energy last night to open and read his cards (about a weeks worth so it was a long process and then he fell asleep right after).