Sparks Fly, I hit the ground running, thumb in the air at the side of road...

The theme song to my new journey and a song on everyone of Brian's mix Cd's. I hit the road, with no itinerary, no plan, just ideas and that is all. I thought about taking a road trip and Tuesday night I packed my bag late got in the car and drove. I stopped in Iowa City to stay with a friend and then got up today and headed to Indianapolis.

This is the first time in my life I literally have nothing to do, know one to worry about, nothing holding me back. So I decided to take advantage of it. Brian and I loved going on road trips. Our last road trip was to Kansas City to watch his beloved Chiefs. We had so much fun sitting in the car, talking, jamming out, sleeping- me. The idea of going on the road by myself scares the PEE out of me. It is completely out of Stacey's comfort zone. I have never gone any where by myself and now I'm thinking about going half way across the country on a whim. Why not? Life is short. This trip I know will be very empowering for me. It will show me I can do it. I can survive on my own. When Brian and I got married and my parent's took us to the airport for our honeymoon I cried as I went through security. I was so scared to go without my parents. They were my secuirty blanket. If something went wrong on a trip my dad was always there to fix it. After that trip I learned to relay on Brian, he was my new blanket. Now I'm my own security blanket. That is scary to me. But I have to prove to myself I can do it.

I didn't sleep last night in anticipation and sheer nerves. What am I going to do? Do you know how hard it is to pack when you absolutely now clue what you will be doing? I have a suitcase and a bag. I brought 7 pairs of shoes- flats, red heels :), flip flops, sneakers, etc. I have a few pairs of sweat pants, a swim suit, t-shirts, jeans, and nice shirts. Hopefully, I find something to do or go with all of that.

Any suggestions on places to go? I'm headed to Knoxville, TN for the weekend and no clue after that. I have to be home by March 20th and that is about all I know.

It feels good to do something like this. Until this past weekend I hadn't gone to the store to buy myself something since Brian was diagnosed. I had a massage in which I used a gift card he gave me the Christmas before, I bought one pair of shoes out of pure need becuase I couldn't walk my old ones were giving such bad blisters. This past weekend I treated myself to two pairs of shoes on sale and one shirt on sale. I found a lot of ways to cut spending when Brian was diagnosed. And anything that was 'want' went out the window so that stuff we 'needed' could be purchased. However, we always found ways and room to let ourselves have fun and I will never regret how we spent the past 10 months.

Since the time Brian broken his foot until he passed I literally dropped everything to be at his side. Every appointment I was at, every minute in the hosptial, I was giving him baths and feeding him at the end. I literally did it all and with that came little sleep and little time for myself. So this now is my time, my time to relax, catch up on sleep, and re-discover myself.

As I drove from Iowa City to Indianapolis. I listened to Cd after Cd of Brian's music. While all very similar, I felt him talking to me. Tellling me to go, just go, just drive. So that is what I did. I stopped once for gas otherwise it was 6.5 hours of straight driving, listening to music, and dancing. I have created some really sweet moves. I have perfected the head nod very well. At times when people were driving next to me and I couldn't dance- out of pure embarassment- I would twirl my pretzel. Yep the pretzel twirl new move, check. You can only use it in major cities when there is more road traffic.

Sometimes I got bored or lonely but when those times came I would purporsely take a wrong turn so my Garmin would talk to me. I personally like the British accent for Garmin, it is pretty funny when she tells you to 'turn now' 8 times in a row and I can tell that Garmin is getting mad but I keep purposefully not turning- becuase I'm far superior at navigating then her. "Recalculating" in Garmin computer code I'm pretty sure is "you idiot, why are you so stupid."

Well I stopped in Indianapolis to see my grandma so I'm going to visit with her. Who knows where I will be tomorrow or what I will be doing. Scary but yet exciting.