Yesterday I decided to return to Des Moines to start brushing my shoulders off and a accepting my new life. In one day I have a new life, a new role, a new identity. I'm no longer a caregiver something that became so normal. I got used to juggling 10 balls in the air and now all those balls of have fallen. I don't have to wake up early to dispense pills, give Brian a shower, get him dressed, make him breakfast, take his temperature, get him in the car, run to the pharmacy, run to the dr. office. Nothing. I'm on leave from school so for the first time in my life my identity is in limbo. I told myself when I got home to Des Moines I would start studying for my boards for school. I realized today that is much easier said then done. It is to easy to hide myself in a book in a library without accepting what is going on around me.
A good friend told me I can't rush through this I have to let time take its course, I have to go through the steps of grieving. Step 1: Denial. I'm struggling through denial as reality is setting in. I keep teetering between denial, and step 2: anger. I feel like I'm on a ride at Six Flags, the one that shoots the roller coaster up to the end of a track then falls backwards to the platform. Platform: denial, end of track: anger. Back and forth. I think I will begin a kick boxing class when I hit full blown anger.
Everyone wants to help. There is nothing anyone can do. No words once can say, no actions to take away the pain. I'm grieving, just let me grieve- if I want to grieve with you I will call you. Yes. I'm eating (that is annoying being asked by everyone) let me ate. Yes I have a few drinks, let me drink. Being in a slight margarita stupor in order to sleep the week after you become a widow at 25 never killed anyone. In fact I think the lime I got in mine last night was my Valentines gift from Brian. Everone cares about me and I'm lucky to have such great friends and family. However, getting 35-yes 35 tests saying Happy Valentines Day a week after my husband passed away was a little much. I think all single people out there can agree when you have no one the best thing you can do is turn on the si-fi channel (polar opposite of the Hallmark channel) and pretend Feb. 14th is the same as Feb.15th. By evening the explosioin of texts calmed down, I for the day, needed a margarita and food- yes I ate, two enchiladas sans beans and rice for those of you journaling- so my sister and I got Mexican.
Today's agenda: clear out the DVR and lay on Brian's couch. I'm saving putting everything away for tomorrow or the next day so I have something to do. I found some chocolate peanust butter cup ice cream in the freezer I will more then likely hit that up too- for all you keeping count.
Hi Stacey!
ReplyDeleteYou still have the fight in you!, I can tell by your words. Stacey like Brian told you,you t you need time. We all need to respect and accept this. Your time to grieve has just begun and it takes lots of time. One day at a time and if you accomplish one small thing a day that is better than nothing at all. Everyone cares about you and are normally worried. It will take them time to adjust not hovering over you and always checking on you. Be patient and soon they will realize that you just need your own space and time. Everything is still surreal, 12years after losing my significant other it still is surreal for me at times. It's a tough journey and I am praying God delivers those tall peaks to you. One step in front of the other Stacey is the best you can do for now, just keep taking them. You are thought of often and I shall continue to pray God and Brian comfort you.
With Love,
Cousin Bridgett
Hi Stacey!
ReplyDeleteOnce again, well said.
Love,
Nina
(grin) (Wink)
ReplyDeleteLove You,
Uncle Denny
I would have definately watched the sci fi channel if I had a TV.
ReplyDeleteStacey, we don't know each other, but I knew Brian. There were a few summers when he and Lindsey came over to my mom's house to for daycare and I think he took sax lessons from my brother years ago. As someone who has gone through a similar situation 11 1/2 years ago, I will say that time heals most. Back in 1999 my sister Steph died from cancer when she was only 26. The first year is the hardest. You'll think about what you and Brian were doing a week, month, year ago, etc. The first major holidays are the worst. But as I believe, it looks like you have an amazing support system. It's hard to see God's plan in all of this and it's even harder to praise God in all of this. I am so grateful that Jesus made eternity available for all of us. Something amazing my Grandma once told me after the death of my sister. She said "Is Jesus with Steph?" Yes. "Is Jesus with you?" Yes. "Then you're really not that far away from her." I've really been thinking about you, Lindsey and his parents. I don't know if this has been helpful but I felt like I needed to share this with you...
ReplyDelete-Sarah (Ramsey) Huscko
Hang in there and keep posting your thoughts, we're still listening.
ReplyDeleteWork with Angie, Brian's mother.
Do what you need to get by. You and you alone are the only person you need to worry about.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Aunt Amy
Now I have this picture of you and your sister covertly slugging down Mexican food and margaritas. (I hope that made you smile.) Your friend was right, you can't rush the grief process. Everyone is concerned about you and it can be very intrusive. They are trying to be close to you to keep Brian closer to them. It's good that you have the blog to let everyone know when to back off - they will understand. Just don't push everyone away and isolate yourself - you do need the contact. Having nothing to do now after being so busy will likely drive you insane and the kickboxing might be a good idea! You are doing amazingly well and I have such admiration for you. Plus you have great taste in ice cream!
ReplyDelete-Steff Wilkinson
Love you Stacey, you're doing it exactly right!
ReplyDeleteI agree about the 14th, it's the day after the 13th and the day before the 15th ;)
Hugs!
Aunt Wendy
Yes - the meysteries of life include missing tuperware and socks. Last week when the Sear repair man came to work on our dryer I was like a kid at Christmas thinking I might finally find some of the ~100 missing socks. When he tokk the dryer drum out so that it was copletely open inside I peeked inside with anticpation of finding some socks. BUT...none were to be found. So the question remains were are the darn socks? Allison - I know you have my socks.............Love ya, dad.
ReplyDelete