Songs for life

In case you are wondering...yes I did go back and buy the red heels! I wore jeans two days in a row. I even put product in my hair on Saturday. I'm stepping out. However, this is much more work then I imagined. I had to put things in my shoes so they hurt less, my sister made me rub my feet with this blister blocker - it looked like deodorant for feet but it worked. I had to do squats after putting my jeans on so I could breath. Can't we all just wear sweat suits and Asics with our hair in pony tails? Although, it was a lot of work I went out with some friends and it was just what I needed, to be social. That is what Brian would want me to do. Brian couldn't stand to be alone, he always had to have people around. Not me, I loved having a Stacey day, a day to sit on the couch, clean in quite, AHHH the life. The odd thing is, I crave socializing right now. I'm one step away from sitting at an airport terminal to meet strangers. People who aren't going to ask how am I doing, am I ok, how are you handling things. Someone who doesn't know me, who has no clue the life change I'm making. The last thing I want to do is talk about the past 10 months. I lived it, it is always in my head. It would be a breath of fresh air not to here about cancer, about grieving, about the loss of my love. Something new, something that is not a constant reminder, a break for my mind. That is what Saturday night was...and I loved it. Meaningless conversation with a stranger followed by fun with good friends.

Songs for life...

So I spent the weekend going through Brian's Cd's and organizing them. Brian loved music and most days he would be DJing some beat that was a description of his day. He was very notorious for his mix Cd's at college parities and if he ever went out you can guarantee the first thing he did, even before placing a drink order, was to march over and plug the jukebox- by plug I mean if a bystander requested a song they would have to pay double in order for one of their songs to be played over Brian's. While Brian was getting chemo he would walk laps around the hospital with his disc man- yes that is correct disc man, he was way to cool for this school.

I never understood how an avid music lover would never take care of his Cd's, but that was Brian. On our media counsel I have a freezer bag full of Cd's, not labeled, and scratched. I told Brian, um probably 10 times in the past 2 years, to go through them to see if they worked. He never did, not surprised. So out of my need for organization I decided to delve into this project.

I think all things happen for a reason...I think as humans we don't understand it because it is far beyond our reasoning. In two years I never understood why Brian would not go through his Cd's...heck he made them, he would more then likely want to hear them again. Today I understand why. Brian left me a collection of mix tapes to get through life. Brian had this canning ability to listen to a song and decipher the lyrics and on a deep level and know really what the musician meant. It was so amazing. Every song I've heard with Brian, he at some point explained to me what it meant. Most of the mix Cd's are comprised of the same handful of songs but those were Brian's favorite songs and he loved them for a reason.

It has taken me three days but I have finally been through every CD he has. The only conclusion I can come up with is Brian knew not to go through them himself. He knew I needed to. He knew the music he left me would get me through this journey and my next journey. His mix tapes will get me through the first days of springs when the sun is out, the air is crisp, and you can finally drive with your windows down. His songs will get me through the days where I feel alone, dark, sad, and mad. He left me songs to play when I meet someone, something gitty, that makes me feel warm and loved (a CD I found that he made for my 2oth birthday party-FIESTA- that until I listened to again this weekend never realized every song was about a boy and girl in love, we weren't even dating then- I guess I was bad a picking up hints). His songs will encourage me, inspire me, let me know it is going to be ok. He has left me with this ability to be still, open my ears and listen to the words, the true meaning of the words. Lyrics come alive now and they do so through him.

As I sat and cleaned all his Cd's- who knew it was a science to cleaning Cd's, organic soap, specific directions to wipe, specific towels- memories flooded in. Songs that reminded me of the good times and bad. Some songs brought on tears others smiles. Majority of them however made me compelled to dance. Brian and I loved to dance- there were times in college where people would throw $5 to keep us dancing. The house band at one of our favorite venues new
all of our favorites. A year ago last week we were on vacation to San Diego, well I was attending a conference but Brian tagged along- we went out with some classmates and the manager asked Brian and I to stand on this stage and dance. At the end of the night this guy asked us for a picture because we were the highlight of his night. We always had fun, we were good at having fun together. So as I sat in the living room cleaning Cd's, rubbing them with banana's - apparently takes away scratches- I jumped up and danced. Danced to "I would walk 500 miles" or "Come on Irene", and perhaps all of Justin Timberlake's hits- yep my neighbors now might have me committed. I even did "shout" by myself. Brian loved "shout", I think we played it every hour at his 21st. birthday- the night Brian told me he liked me, the night he first kissed me, the night I said I think we need to be friends but he was to darn persistent (the only thing he was persistent about). Most of the Cd's weren't labeled so I had to label them. Labels like: "OAR LIVE....we were probably front row at this show" OR "No clue who this is, you won't like it" OR "If you ever host a party play this" or "Was at some point a top hit on BET" or "If you have a bad day, put black clothes on, lay on the closet floor with Kleenex and Brian's favorite shirt sprayed with his cologne" followed by the next CD "play after previous CD with sweat pants on and a tub of ice cream" then there is "take this to the gym" and "put this on after previous Cd's with jeans, make up, and go find a Coors". None of these title's are as good as Brian's: ''This CD was created simply for the fact that people like to listen to 80's music. Do not use for any other reason."

Although, Brian isn't here with me,
he is still guiding me. He left me with a trail and some good hiking music for that trail. With each valley there is a song with each peak there is a REALLY REALLY good song. It is my turn to understand and listen to the words. He will speak to me I just have to wait.


**I was hoping I would have inherited a box of letters and a scavenger hunt similar to Gerard Butler in 'P.S. I love you'. Instead I have a bag of mix Cd's. This will do.