Stacey

Well all good things must come to an end... for a few days at least. My two week hiatus ended this evening as I returned home to Des Moines. If I could, I would still be at my little, peaceful, sanctuary, in the mountains. AWWW how I miss thee Knoxville. However, real life beacons so I had to return to take care of some matters. I came home feeling the love from the mailman, oh, and all of you. You won't believe the stack of cards I came home to. I could also mention the stack of, um, letters from insurance companies, disability claims, Wells Fargo HR, but that wasn't as fun. I feel like we could save the planet and time if all parties could sit down and talk about all issues instead of 100 pieces of paper.


The social security office sent me papers about the (small) death benefit I will receive....also while explaining to me my marriage was officially over due to death. WOW, thanks for the memo and heart felt message! I'm not sure what I was expecting but seeing in words 'your marriage is over' was pretty intense. I never thought I would see nor hear those words in my life. As true as those words are, in my head I always thought I would be happily ever after with one marriage. I'm not sure why it took a piece of paper for the reality that I'm not married to kick in. I knew I wasn't, I haven't worn my ring in two weeks, I even was a little flirtatious (felt guilty, ran away, fast, afterwards), but I guess once you get the official seal from the government it hits you. I wont lie, after that, I had a 'skinny girl' margarita- delicious!

Friday, was a hard day for me. I didn't think it would be, really wasn't expecting it, but it was. I would like to treat EVERY day the same. I had plans to go visit some of Brian and I 's best friends but was very hesitant. I feel blessed to be loved by so many people, to have so many people looking over me, but that love can be overwhelming. It at times serves as a reminder of what is missing. Constantly being reminded of what is missing can make days hard. It can make it hard to see people that were in your life as 'Brian and Stacey'. My ORGANIC Asian stir-fry Thursday night came with a fortune that read: "Don't mistake opportunity as temptation." For some reason I took note of that, packed my bags, and left.


I headed to St. Louis to see some of my best friends and celebrate Brian's birthday. It was fun and great to see/talk to old friends. I think it is scary facing old friends again. I have a fear that people see me as 'Brian and Stacey' and not 'Stacey'. I'm just STACEY now there is no Brian. However, STACEY isn't the same 'Stacey' as I was five years ago. Things have changed, I have changed. I'm scared people wont like it...but I don't care and I can't care. I think it is hard for people to accept me as just me. They expect me to be Stacey of 'Brian and Stacey'....that isn't going to happen. It is hard to be with people that don't accept that or can't move past that- I'm 25, a widow, I lost my true love, I'm starting over- nothing is the same as it was 11 months ago, I'm not the same. Life isn't the same. I'm glad I got to be the new me all week and I'm glad my friends were there.



I headed to Mardi Gras on Saturday...this picture was completely staged....for real, I'm not that cool. He was forced to have that much fun...

Very good friends!