time

I almost had my first break down since working in a hospital today. On the ride home I could smell 'the hospital smell' and it just flooded my head with thoughts. I got teary eyed but composed myself. I worked all week just fine, I had patients that even had cancer and did fine. For some reason the smell of 'hospital' on me is what triggered the thought of Brian.

It hasn't even been two months but yet it feels like it has been longer.  I'm not sure why.  I don't want it to feel like that, but I'm content with that.  Brian told me it would get easier with time and he was right.  It is not easy, but it is getting easier.  I miss coming home to tell him stories about my day. I miss telling him what frustrated me that day and I miss his solutions to my frustrations.  I miss how warm the bed is at night when there are two bodies in it instead of one.  I miss his warmth, I miss his forehead kisses, I miss his goofy laugh.  I don't like how empty the house feels.  There is a lot I miss.

With everything I miss I can still see happiness.  I don't think I could be as content as I am now without the closure I had.  Brian and I knew our fate.  We knew what the future was so we could be honest with each other.  I know Brian ultimately wants me to be happy and he told me that when he could.  Good-byes aren't easy but good-bye's help you move on.  The closure Brian gave me when he passed has helped me to see the happiness around me in what others think may be a lull.  Towards the end Brian pushed me away. I don't blame him, I knew it was hard for him to see me and see how rough it was on me.  He did what he thought was right, an hour before he passed I told him to let go, that it was OK, I would be OK, he needed to go- within the hour he let go, he gave me closure I gave him closure.

He initiated my moving on and has allowed me to be happy with myself,  have confidence in myself, and be proud of myself.  That all stems from him.  I know he is OK with me.