I did it, I did it

Most people would not be as excited as I am to report this, but I'm ecstatic that after weeks of effort I have WON!  I think I have finally got the smell of urine out of the carpet.  Let me remind you of my dilemma.  The  last week Brian was at home his body was failing and he started to lose control of his bodily functions.  One night I think he had trouble with his urinal (towards the end I just had him sleep on towels) and urine got all over the living room carpet (too much info.????).  For months...I have smelled nothing but urine when I watch TV.  I want to remember Brian for certain scents, for instance his cologne (sometimes I will spray it on one of his favorite shirts and wear it to bed...creepy perhaps but it makes me 'feel' him), however, I really don't want to smell his urine daily.  THANK GOODNESS I finally found an answer.  Baking soda...my vacuum will be sucking up baking for the next 5 years I swear.  But it worked! 

Sometimes you have to celebrate the small things in life.  Brian would refer to these small victories as 'SPV's'  small personal victories.  Today carpet 0 Stacey 1---SPV!  Other SPV's to note: the security guard at the hospital I'm currently working at (also was there last summer) commented that my hair cut looks very nice on me and suits me well.  He had to take a new picture for my ID badge since I lost 11 inches of hair since my last ID badge.  I enjoyed the compliment from the random security guard.  SPV!  You have to enjoy the small things in life.... it is easy to forget the small things that make life great when all you do is focus on the big ones. Celebrating the small things makes you continually find joy in life and smile.  You should have joy everyday, not just on special occasions, there is too much to be thankful and glad for. 

Not sure what is in store for me for the weekend...but I'm sure I will find a way to smile and just have fun.

 I've been told my posts are way to long so I've been trying to cut them down...it has become easier since I dumped hot tea on my laptop and the keys stick...FRUSTRATING.  My lap top and I have a love-hate relationship.  Brian would always tease me about it.  I get frustrated with it frequently, I think it is God's test for me to develop patience.  In other updates, I know your minds have been racing wondering if I'm eating...yep I still am.  In fact I indulged a little to much on Wed. for Doctor Appreciation Day at the hospital- Ice cream sundae bar anyone?  Also, I think the High Life's are catching up to me.

I could be the only person...

to cry to TI song.  More then one TI song actually.  I think most people would find that TI, a R&B artist, does not bring them to tears, but I do.  I went on a walk today and for some silly reason I listened to his album because Brian had purchased it on our ipod.   Two years ago he had a hit song titled, "you can have whatever you like."  This song would put Brian in a good mood and instantly put a smile on his face.  It was this time of year when the song came out (actually I think of St. Patrick's day 2009 to be exact) and he would BLARE it in his car with the windows rolled down and the sunny, warm arm blowing in the car.  This song makes me think of Friday afternoons in spring when Brian would get of work (FAC- Friday After Cube (cubicle) as he called it).  We would go somewhere and he would sing this to me all the time.  Brian would look at me in the eyes and say "you can have whatever you like."  I think the song talks about  buying a $5 million dollar house, shopping for whatever I want, etc. 

I would give up every penny I could ever make if it meant he was back here.  I think as humans we become so dependent on things.  We need the latest and greatest, we need to be the Jones', but I would give up everything to not be the Jones'.  Brian and I had this saying/dream.  From the start of our dating anytime life got hectic, stressful, or just got to be too much we would say "let's just go to Jamaica and open a bait shop on the beach".  We would lay in bed and talk about our bait shop.  How simple it would be.  It would be a small shack, with brightly painted colors, a raggedy old chair, and a cooler of bait.  We would talk about giving everything up and moving to a foreign country to sit in paradise and enjoy it. 

It was this dream that made us decide to honeymoon in Jamaica.  We fell in love with Jamaica. We fell in love with how happy people were there.  If you drove around Jamaica you could see the poverty and you would think it was a horrible place. Not us.  We saw beauty in it.  We saw true happiness in the people that lived there.  People didn't live outside of their means, they lived small and enjoyed what they had.  I won't lie I've had many thoughts about picking up and leaving and moving to Jamaica.  However, I'm too scared to do it by myself. 

I wish life was simple. 

lullaby

So Brian put this song on like 10 different Cd's and I listened to it a lot on my road trip to  Tennessee.  Sometimes when my heart is heavy with thoughts of Brian I will listen to it because I honestly do feel it is him singing to me. I think the words are words he would say to me if he could be here with me.  I know Brian doesn't want me or anyone sitting around sad, lonely, depressed, or anything else.  He wants me to move on. He wants me to pick up the pieces and build a new puzzle.  He doesn't want me to sit around sad, crying, wondering why.  Some days you get a salty taste in your mouth and all you can do is let the tears go.  Most days though I can start to flip over life's puzzle pieces and start building a new story.

Billy Joel- Lullaby
Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes,

And save these questions for another day.
I think I know what you've been asking me,
I think you know what I've been trying to say.
I promised I would never leave you,
And you should always know
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are
I never will be far away.


Goodnight my angel, now it's time to sleep,
And still so many things I want to say.
Remember all the songs you sang for me,
When we went sailing on an emerald bay.
And like a boat out on the ocean,
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep, inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me.

(Humming)


Goodnight my angel, now it's time to dream,
And dream how wonderful your life will be.
Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullaby,
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me.
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabys go on and on
They never die
That's how you and I will be.


Copyrights!



I think the song does more justice if you hear it, but the words are powerful on their own too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcnd55tLCv8

time

I almost had my first break down since working in a hospital today. On the ride home I could smell 'the hospital smell' and it just flooded my head with thoughts. I got teary eyed but composed myself. I worked all week just fine, I had patients that even had cancer and did fine. For some reason the smell of 'hospital' on me is what triggered the thought of Brian.

It hasn't even been two months but yet it feels like it has been longer.  I'm not sure why.  I don't want it to feel like that, but I'm content with that.  Brian told me it would get easier with time and he was right.  It is not easy, but it is getting easier.  I miss coming home to tell him stories about my day. I miss telling him what frustrated me that day and I miss his solutions to my frustrations.  I miss how warm the bed is at night when there are two bodies in it instead of one.  I miss his warmth, I miss his forehead kisses, I miss his goofy laugh.  I don't like how empty the house feels.  There is a lot I miss.

With everything I miss I can still see happiness.  I don't think I could be as content as I am now without the closure I had.  Brian and I knew our fate.  We knew what the future was so we could be honest with each other.  I know Brian ultimately wants me to be happy and he told me that when he could.  Good-byes aren't easy but good-bye's help you move on.  The closure Brian gave me when he passed has helped me to see the happiness around me in what others think may be a lull.  Towards the end Brian pushed me away. I don't blame him, I knew it was hard for him to see me and see how rough it was on me.  He did what he thought was right, an hour before he passed I told him to let go, that it was OK, I would be OK, he needed to go- within the hour he let go, he gave me closure I gave him closure.

He initiated my moving on and has allowed me to be happy with myself,  have confidence in myself, and be proud of myself.  That all stems from him.  I know he is OK with me.

slowly but surely...

Slowly I'm getting back into the routine, very slowly. Actually, it hasn't been as bad as what it could be.  Although, turning my brain on and thinking has been a challenge.  I literally disconnected myself and shut off all parts that had anything to do with medicine.  I even avoided my favorite medical show...not Grey's.  I wasn't sure how being back in hospital would be, but luckily I'm at the other hospital in town and don't have to return to the same one Brian was at. 

One floor I work on it is connected to the oncology floor and the first time I saw the words "oncology'' my stomach dropped about 5 feet.  I turned to look down the hall and I saw a family walking towards the elevator crying.  I know what they are going through, I know the thoughts in their head, I know what the tears feel like, what they mean, I know the chills you get when you walk down the oncology floor. I just know what they feel.  It is not the best feeling in the world.  My heart goes out to people in that position.  One day I hope to help people in that position, but it hasn't even been two months yet and I can't do it right now.  I thought acute care would be hard.... I basically see people in a position Brian was in the past two weeks of his life.  I thought that would be hard to see, but so far I have stomached it.  I think it because I know if I'm in that room there is hope for that patient and we are trying to get them better, medically there is something that can be done, I can do something.  I can control something in their care, something I couldn't do with Brian. 

The past two days have been super busy.  It is good to be busy, it helps me to keep my mind from wandering.  If I'm not at work then I'm with my adoptive family.  They have pretty much taken me under their wings like old times, before Brian.  In high school I spent every weekend with them and I have luckily spent the past 3 weeks with them.  I have been able to hang out with my two kiddos the past two days which is nice.  They always put a smile on my face and that is exactly what I need, they fill the void and emptiness with love and laughter. Tonight (after surviving tornado's) we went to the Des Moines Buccaneers VS Cedar Rapids Rough Riders hockey game. FUN!  CR won in sudden death shoot out.  It was sweet.  I had a bite of my left over Reese Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory to celebrate! It was the perfect celebration. 

Back to the real world

Well all things come to end...tomorrow I join the real world again.  I start work/school.  I'm nervous to actually have to wake up to an alarm clock again.  AHHH.  I did take time this weekend to have fun before I start to buckle down again on school. 

The past month I've learned a lot about myself, I've done things I've never thought I would, I've succeeded in challenges, and I'm ready to pick up again and say I can do it.  The past year I've had so much responsibility on my shoulders.  I've had to make hard decisions, decisions most people don't make until they are middle age and are making them for their parents- not their 25 y.o. spouse.  I've had to do more at 25 then what most people have to ever do.  With all this I've just had to have a release.  That is what I did the past month.  I took a solo trip, I met strangers, went out with friends, had a few drinks.  I've tried to forget about all the responsibility I've  had and just focus on anything other then it.  Tomorrow I'm ready to return to the real world (for a little bit anyways).

School is winding down and I have to start making decisions on what to do with the rest of my life.  This is the first time I can make all decisions based on Stacey.  It is such a weird feeling.  Before everything had to be a mutual decision and it had to be for what was best for the family.  When I chose a school I had to do so with the best interest for Brian and I.  That isn't so anymore.  If I want to take a risk and go on a limb I can, there isn't anyone else to worry about.  When you are married 'YOU' aren't a priority.  Every thought revolves around the other person and 'your' individual needs go out the window.  I loved that.  However, now it is time to focus on Stacey.  I'm not sure what I want or what I'm going to do.  All 'SELF' ideas went out the window 5 years ago...and those ideas are different now, because I'm different, I've changed. 

I'm not very nervous on what I'm going to do or what the future will hold.  Life is short, I know I have a path already chosen for me.  It is time to sit and follow that- that requires belief, hope, faith, and patience.  All of which can make the path challenging but as I look at my life, there has never not been a challenge so I can do it.  God will see me through on his plan, he will give me the strength as he has all along.

In honor of Brian...

I will be celebrating OUR favorite holiday with a few cold Guinness'.  Tomorrow I plan to do exactly what I know Brian would be doing if he were here. Sitting downtown, with a cold beverage, his bracket, and good friends.  More then likely a pit stop at the 'High Life Lounge' will be made to honor this picture below. 

I will be wearing the exact same shirt too!

In honor of such a glorious holiday I made Guinness cupcakes tonight (probably the best dessert I've ever had!)  My corn beef is simmering away in Guinness over night in the crock pot so that before I leave for my 10am start time I can enjoy a plate of corn beef and cabbage.  May sound horrible, but I for sure can assure you that Brian would do the exact same thing.  Oh by the way Guinness is very healthy for you.  It is loaded with anti-oxidants and anti-inflammatory nutrients. 

_________________________________________________________

I'm not disappointed in my care-taking of Brian and I didn't mean to portray that.  For what I knew I did my best.  Had I gone head over heals from the beginning I think I could have squeezed out more time with Brian.  I think God had the ultimate plan and that plan was carried out.  Looking back I would have sought out a lot of therapies along with his traditional chemo and radiation.  In my eyes modern medicine failed- and if you do your own research you will see modern medicine fails in majority of cancer cases and hasn't improved in over 50 years (you are telling me that an industry (cancer) that is $260+billion per year hasn't made any improvements in survival in over 50 years- we have walked on the moon but can't find how to improve survival rates).  I don't believe it.  That is why next time I will turn to other methods with traditional ones.  It is impossible for someone to know every thing, including doctors.  A good patient is one who takes care of their own body and knows how and when to ask questions.  A patient should always be in charge of their health care and it is a patients responsibility to know what treatments are available.  I'm 25, I haven't experienced much and that was were I lacked knowledge on what to do.  But looking back,  I now know you just don't pull up to a house and buy it without looking at your finances, examining the structure of the home, etc.  So why not apply that reasoning to other parts of life, even your health.  Most people have no clue what pills they are on and why.  I knew what Brian was on, what it interacted with, but I never dug deep into what other options we could be doing other then small nutritional changes (which I hadn't even done properly because I didn't do research).

I think there is a  reason that God put natural food on the planet...it is what our body needs.  Look at our ancestors, they survived just fine with vegetables and fruits, and free range meat- the biggest problem was sanitation issues which we solved!  I think there is a reason why God didn't make McDonald's grow on trees.  Take from that what you will, but I think there is a lot more one can do for their body then take pills every day, go through harsh chemo and radiation treatments, etc.  That is the human way though, find a short cut and take it.  I'm no different.  I'm lazy, if there is an easy way I will take it most days.  Now I'm trying to expand my horizons and be aware. I'm not completely saying good-bye to my chicken wings, ice cream, and deep dish pizza- I'm just saying hello to it less often. 

Well HAPPY ST. PATRICK's DAY (tomorrow), I'm going to go on a limb and say I will not be posting till at least late Friday!

Hopefully, I have a very solid bracket for my pool!

All NATURAAALLL!

I bet your minds are racing...so I will make you wait to read what is all natural!

Well I have pretty much become an insomniac...not because the stress of losing my dear Brian, but secondary to the fact I pretty much trained my body not to sleep.  I juggled school (a doctorate and masters) and being Brian's caretaker all at once.  Sleep went out the window. The last two months of Brian's life he was up all the time between his broken foot, bathroom breaks, fevers, medicine, everything I just learned to not sleep.  If he was awake I was awake. If he had a fever I was up until it broke.  If he had to pee I got up and helped.  Towards the end I was getting maybe 3-4 hours total (cumulative not in a row, I watched a lot of lifetime movies online (ahh I can't believe that is how I stayed awake)).  We would be up early around 7-730 to be at the doctors office and he would sleep there but I never could.  So now I'm convinced my body is just trained to not sleep. 

Well the highlight of my day today was being able to see my two favorite kids again.  My hockey all-star was in Des Moines for a practice with his elite team so I brought dinner over to the rink and watched him.  I played 'club penguin' (an online kids computer game for all you without kids) with the little one.  This
might seem boring but compared to the rest of my day it was AWESOME- I'm still trying to scrub pee out of the carpet from Brian.

After the rink I went to Hy-Vee to pick up my corn beef and cabbage for Thursday.  Last year I made it for Brian but I rubbed brown sugar on the meat and slow cooked it all day in Guinness...DELICIOUS.  Brian and I fought over it.  So I'm making it again, for myself, I will have to recruit some friends.  This was the first time I have really been at the grocery store since Brian came home from the hospital at the end of January (I think I like shopping at 10 pm it is very quite).  Literally, I  have not bought groceries since then.  I went for corn beef, came home with one of everything I think from the organic section.

 Towards the end of Brian's life I dug in deep into research and read a lot.  I learned how one should eat to not only heal the body but allow the body to function at maximum.  IT IS SCARY TO SEE WHAT FOOD CAN DO TO ONES BODY.  For instance did you know sugar is fuel for cancer?  I can testify to that because Brian never liked sweets till he was diagnosed and he couldn't get enough after that.  When the cancer finally spread to every possible organ the only thing he would eat was ice cream and Reese PB cups.  The last thing he ate was a Sonic PB cup mixer. 

I tried encouraging him to eat a well balanced diet, high in berries and vegetables, however, you feel bad enough that one is battling cancer and now you are restricting food.  I felt guilty, so I tried to compromise.  I will NEVER EVER make the mistakes I made with Brian again.  Being 25, completely shell shocked by the diagnosis, and naive.  I learned from our experience and will use that to change my ways but hopefully encourage others.  Next time I face cancer I will be prepared to fight for my loved ones. 

Tomorrow I'm going to start a daily wheat grass shot- YUM, I hope that taste becomes acquired.  Tonight I tried Aloe water- yep the same stuff you put on sun burns is good for your body.  If you can get past the chunks it is actually very good, like watermelon.  I bought this other drink ($$) but it has 31 super foods in it and only 60 calories for the entire bottle.  Everything in it has been linked to cancer fighting properties, as well as anti-inflammatory, and other good things.  It not only alkalizes your blood but cleanses your body.  I bought all my can goods from the organic aisle- I have a theory about food and the huge influx in childhood food allergies and Autism, I told Brian when we have kids I will make all our baby food, everything will be organic, I even tried to start making my own fresh bread.  They say anything you eat should only last for a week...meaning food that has a 2 year shelf life probably shouldn't be the thing to fill your body with- YUCK think about all those chemicals.

My plan is simple.  I want to delve deeper into the science of food and healthy eating to aid my body in natural healing.  I want to slowly phase out horrible processed food and start adding in natural, fresh, organic food.   That is my plan at least, if it works it works if not at least I can know that it wouldn't have mattered.  Towards the end I started implementing these into Brian's diet (well until his last night)  it was pretty expensive so I made sure he had first dibs.  Now I feel like if I made him do it, I should try it.  I guess payback for the shots of POTENT fruit juice I would give him (literally the label read potent, it was $36 a bottle and the max serving was 4 tablespoons that is how potent it was, but it is a super fruit from an island).  I'm not going head over heels but I'm making wiser choices.  Thursday I will have my fill of barley and hops more then likely a few slices of pizza from Fong's, but Friday I will detox with fruit juice and wheat grass.  YUM. I know with every funny face I will make while trying this food Brian is in heaven saying, "I told you it tasted horrible."  At any rate, my body has no energy, I can't sleep, my stomach is in pain (I think the binge I've been on for the past month year has caught up to me) so I guess I can test to see if any of the above change. 

I'm going ALL NATURAALL, food that is!

Oh I'm chasing down my wheat grass shot tomorrow with a Guinness cupcake that I'm making, it is a slow phase in plan ;)

Unplugged

Well for the first time since, I think to be exact Dec. 5-6th, I have left my laptop at home and 'unplugged' myself from it.  It was hard with everything going for the past year to leave it.  We would get so much electronic correspondence that I literally would go to bed checking email and wake to it.  I had to take a break.  I did that this weekend.  Sorry for the delay, I see that I was missed.

This weekend I spent time with my favorite kids on earth.  I have known them both since one was in tiny diapers and the other was a dream, now  they are 11 & 8!  I spent pretty much every weekend in high school and every day in summer on my college breaks with them.  When Brian and I first talked about dating- yep we talked about dating before dating because the planner in me can't just dive into anything, Brian changed that trait- he convinced me that we should hang out one night. However, the night he wanted to hang out I had plans to 'hang' with my boys (AKA babysit).  Some how he wiggled his way in.  He drove from UNI to Cedar Rapids, used the excuse he was coming to see his parents anyways, but ended up with me babysitting.  The boys knew someone was coming over so they REFUSED to go to bed.  They wanted to stay up to meet Brian. 

Perhaps I let them stay up as a test for Brian, before I said yes to our first date.  When he came over the boys got wild, Brian chased them around, and we all built a fort.  Once they went to bed Brian and I watched a Dave Matthews DVD- live at Central Park.  This was the first of many concert DVDs Brian and I would watch. We would make special trips to Best Buy just to see if they had a good concert DVDs. That was our thing, and something we would open our doors to others to do.  I was going to say yes anyways (I can't say no to anyone, also working on that trait) to his proposition that we go on a date.  However, the next morning I said yes and that night we went to a movie.  That was our official first date, but I guess you can say the night before was it.  From then on I had three boys, and from then on Stacey was no longer cool, Brian was the cool one in their eyes.

This weekend I took a trip to watch the eldest one play hockey.  He is a stud!  Brian and I would try to go watch him play hockey and baseball at least once a year and I hadn't seen him play yet this season with all we had been through.  In the first game, I sat in the stands hoping I could see him score.  So I said a prayer and asked Brian to allow me to see him score just once this weekend.  Within 15-30 sec he scored.  He then scored at least one goal in each game.  Brian started to get really into NHL because of him. He wanted to know more about the game so he had more to cheer for, he also thought if he knew more he would get box seats to watch him play when he was in the NHL..Bri was a moocher.

During the championship game things got intense and I think with all the adrenaline pumping through my body it got my emotions a little high.  As I anxiously watched all I could think is how Brian should be here.  How Brian would be FREAKING out right now.  How excited Brian would have been when they finally scored, and then again, and then last GOAL was by our STUD!  After the second period I had to take a break...I had to step outside and cool off before I had a full fledged melt down.  I had a few tears, composed myself and went back in the rink.  I'm so proud of the accomplishments both of the kids have made.

During the game I thought about life. I thought what if the closest I come to changing diapers are these two kids, the closest I come to being a 'soccer mom' is watching hockey one weekend a year and baseball one tourney a summer.  Outside I had to tell myself not to worry, it will all come out in the end.  I told myself  I'm lucky to even have the opportunity to watch an amazing kid play hockey as well as have an opportunity to watch another amazing gem in my life draw me sweet pictures and wait up for me to come over.  When I went to leave on Sunday they both asked if I was leaving and then said I should stay.  That warmed my heart and put a smile on my face.  Something that hasn't happened much lately.  I was once again the cool one in their eyes!

One of the best nights of my life!

Not sisters by blood, but through friendship- she understands my meatloaf :-)

I once took a hockey puck to the gut when he was 3 and using fisher price skates...now he is a STUD!

My sweetie.  He was attached to my hip the night of our wedding and the day after Brian passed he wrote me a card with hearts to show me his love. 

Well today I did it. I finally went out for a good walk.  I had to take a different route, by different, we walked it but it wasn't our regular route.  It felt good to get out and enjoy the day...plus my M&M candy ice cream cone said I needed to walk.

Tonight I spent the night researching my picks for my bracket.  I have huge shoes to fill because last year Brian won every pool he was in.  AHHH.  I wish he could give me some advice.  Although, I spend majority of my time watching the DP show and sports center highlights I'm lost because all Brian did was watch sports, he knew the upsets.

lessons for the road

Well I finished one journey...starting another. I leave tomorrow for a quick weekend get away to South Bend, IN. Fighting IRISH- Brian despises the Irish of Notre Dame- not sure why but he said it goes way back in the family. Anyways, I'm going to watch the coolest kid I know play hockey. He is a super star!

As I just returned from one journey here are things I learned:
1) when one road trips it is probably a good idea to watch the gas level in your car (day one trouble repeat experience on last day)
2) Music should NOT be contained to any level
3) It is acceptable to dance and sing while driving
4) Before driving across country it is probably a good idea to check and see if you need an oil change
5) Check the weather so that in case it rains you can fix your windshield wiper before you drive into torrential rain
6) If you have any problems call Barry at Firestone in Nashville and tell him his SHERO sent you (AKA me)
7) Throw all rules out the window and just have fun, change can be good!

Back to the SHERO... um about halfway to Nashville I realized my car was due for an oil change (by due um like past due- that was Brian's job one of the many that didn't get done in his last few months (also clean the showers, I hate doing that I really wish he would have done that one last time).  So when I got to Nashville I saw a Firestone downtown so on Saturday I dropped my car off.  I met Barry-who is AWESOME- and as he was looking up my car we got to talking.  He asked what I was doing, I told him, ''no clue just got in my car and drove.''  I told him I was on break from school, needed a vacation, I needed to discover myself, so I came down south.  He said, ''you drove down here alone with no plan'', I said 'yep' he said "girl you are my shero''. I laughed he then he hooked me up with free car check, tire rotation, and alignment. Barry you are my HERO. 

In other news, I went CRAZY today.  I'm in a huge changing point in my life.  I just lost my husband, I'm about to graduate from school and start a new job, who knows where I will live or what I will do. So lets just change everything.  EVEN MY HAIR.  I said good-bye to the long, fine, blonde locks and hello to the short, spunky bob.

My head feels a lot lighter because I chopped off 10+ inches.   I have always like medium to short hair but Brian loved long hair so I kept it long for him.  One time while we were in the hospital we met a lady who was just diagnosed with leukemia.  She was so scared and feared losing her hair.  I hugged her in the hall while she was crying and told her it was just hair, it will come back.  After that conversation with her I decided I wanted to donate my hair.  After our experience I have become a firm believer in donating blood so I figured the only thing else I can do is donate my hair (oh and now my bone marrow, I also would love to donate a kidney if it will help someone).

 As I told her, it is just hair, it will grow back.  Why not?  Why not, give someone the confidence and self-esteem to get through a hard time such as cancer.  If a blonde wig does that, then I will donate it as often as I can.  I felt so helpless the entire time Brian had cancer and doing acts such as this lets me think I can provide a tiny fraction of help to others. 

I thought it would weird and hard to see all that hair go.  But as it got shorter the more I didn't mind.  It really did not phase me a bit.  I need something new so lets hope a 'new do' will do. 

On a side bar- last night I did squats, push-ups, planks, and sit-ups (so I ate two brownies tonight).  Tomorrow I hope to curb my fear and hit the streets for a jog.

rain,rain,rain

Well I had high hopes for today.  Today I was going to work out, however, by the time I got off the couch (30 hours of catching up on The Dan Patrick Show) I heard some rain drops.   So I decided to shower first- yep makes total sense-shower prior to workout. However, after my shower there were more raindrops so I did what any normal person would do. I put on a new pair of sweat pants, filled up my glass of milk, and ate a sleeve of Thin Mint Cookies. What, you don't do that? 

I have really been avoiding working out...two years ago I got serious about my health and completely changed my eating and exercise habits...which meant Brian changed his as well, not by choice- but happy wife happy life.  Everyday we would go on walks.  By walks I mean sometimes 4 hour walks.  I loved our walks. For any married person or anyone in a relationship I recommend walks.  We went on walks the first summer we dated as a study break and again during my first year of  grad school.  Literally, there is nothing to do on walks but talk, unless you enjoy awkward silence, which I don't.  We talked about so much.  Our walks are how we really got to know each other, on a deeper level. You really find out about the day your spouse had- instead of just the normal "how was your day?"  "Oh fine." - you find out what there life goals are, how they plan to meet them, you literally find out everything.  Brian and I even picked out the names for our two kids...that we never got the chance to have. 

Marley Anne and Hayden Lane- obviously after Bob Marley and Anne is my middle name,  Hayden for the GREAT Hayden Fry (All Iowans have something named after him and we thought he might get made fun of for HERKY) and Lane for Brian's middle name.  One boy, one girl that was our dream (I wanted two boys but after all marriage is about compromise- YEP like we had big say in the sex of our pretend non-existent children).  **Pretend, non-existent children is the name Brian gave our non-existent children because I would always relate stuff to our kids.  For instance, "stop watching gang land, I don't want our kids exposed to that garbage"- then Brian would look around as if he were looking for kids and I would laugh and he would say 'sorry I was looking for our pretend, non-existent children.'  It was a regular occurrence.

Some of the serious conversations Brian and I had to have were about me moving on.  Me having to move forward and finding someone else. Brian's only wish was that whoever I met was a Christian and strong in their faith.  I started to ask Brian a question and before I could say, "Brian I need to tell you this," he said,"No, you cannot, it will not be fair and it is not fair."  TEARS upon TEARS came out.  That is how close Brian and I were, he knew what I thought, I knew what he thought.  He knew I was going to ask about using his frozen secrete ingredient (PG!).  When this all started we planned ahead and purchased a frozen condo and made a few deposits of our future kiddos in case he became infertile. He told me no, I said fine when I turn 30 if I have nothing I'm doing it.  He gave me a look, but did not disagree, happy wife happy last few days of your life!  I will have to pay- I guess you can call it- Home Owners Association fees at the end of the month. 

When Brian passed I could here murmur's of whispers from people saying, "thank goodness they didn't have kids."  Man do I wish we did.  I think life would be a lot different if we did.  Yep it would be hard for our kid(s), but I know they would have Brian's resiliency to negativity and would find a way to shine.  For me, it would be much easier.  Pictures and memories are nothing compared to a little face that you can look at and see the best thing that ever happened to you.  I could look at our kids and see Brian, I would have a piece of Brian next to me everyday.  When I come home, I could come home to someone, someone with a special glimmer of Brian.  I could see Brian's freckles, hear  his chuckle, perhaps someone to tell me jokes, have someone to point out the positives,  have someone to hold onto during bad days, I would have something of Brian.  Yep it would be hard, but there is no part of this that is easy no matter if it is me or me with kids, nothing. 

Anyways, I was avoiding going to the gym- so I didn't see people I knew and would have to be asked how I was doing?- I was avoiding walking outside because that is what Brian and I did. However, I have to do something and after a sleeve of Thin Mint cookies and taking a 3 month break on eating healthy and exercising I feel like crap.  Tomorrow it is supposed to snow...I will try for Thursday...in the mean time I just wont eat.  HAHA gotcha y'all keeping track of my eating habits!  Today I cooked a real meal, something I haven't done in months. Breakfast burritos with 3 kinds of bell peppers, onions, wheat (7g fiber) tortillas, fat free cheese. I think that is a start, so we will go from there. 

By the way today was exactly 4 weeks from Brian's passing.  It doesn't seem that it was that long ago but yet seems like it was.  A sleeve of Thin Mints was called for. 

Stacey

Well all good things must come to an end... for a few days at least. My two week hiatus ended this evening as I returned home to Des Moines. If I could, I would still be at my little, peaceful, sanctuary, in the mountains. AWWW how I miss thee Knoxville. However, real life beacons so I had to return to take care of some matters. I came home feeling the love from the mailman, oh, and all of you. You won't believe the stack of cards I came home to. I could also mention the stack of, um, letters from insurance companies, disability claims, Wells Fargo HR, but that wasn't as fun. I feel like we could save the planet and time if all parties could sit down and talk about all issues instead of 100 pieces of paper.


The social security office sent me papers about the (small) death benefit I will receive....also while explaining to me my marriage was officially over due to death. WOW, thanks for the memo and heart felt message! I'm not sure what I was expecting but seeing in words 'your marriage is over' was pretty intense. I never thought I would see nor hear those words in my life. As true as those words are, in my head I always thought I would be happily ever after with one marriage. I'm not sure why it took a piece of paper for the reality that I'm not married to kick in. I knew I wasn't, I haven't worn my ring in two weeks, I even was a little flirtatious (felt guilty, ran away, fast, afterwards), but I guess once you get the official seal from the government it hits you. I wont lie, after that, I had a 'skinny girl' margarita- delicious!

Friday, was a hard day for me. I didn't think it would be, really wasn't expecting it, but it was. I would like to treat EVERY day the same. I had plans to go visit some of Brian and I 's best friends but was very hesitant. I feel blessed to be loved by so many people, to have so many people looking over me, but that love can be overwhelming. It at times serves as a reminder of what is missing. Constantly being reminded of what is missing can make days hard. It can make it hard to see people that were in your life as 'Brian and Stacey'. My ORGANIC Asian stir-fry Thursday night came with a fortune that read: "Don't mistake opportunity as temptation." For some reason I took note of that, packed my bags, and left.


I headed to St. Louis to see some of my best friends and celebrate Brian's birthday. It was fun and great to see/talk to old friends. I think it is scary facing old friends again. I have a fear that people see me as 'Brian and Stacey' and not 'Stacey'. I'm just STACEY now there is no Brian. However, STACEY isn't the same 'Stacey' as I was five years ago. Things have changed, I have changed. I'm scared people wont like it...but I don't care and I can't care. I think it is hard for people to accept me as just me. They expect me to be Stacey of 'Brian and Stacey'....that isn't going to happen. It is hard to be with people that don't accept that or can't move past that- I'm 25, a widow, I lost my true love, I'm starting over- nothing is the same as it was 11 months ago, I'm not the same. Life isn't the same. I'm glad I got to be the new me all week and I'm glad my friends were there.



I headed to Mardi Gras on Saturday...this picture was completely staged....for real, I'm not that cool. He was forced to have that much fun...

Very good friends!

Happy Birthday BRIAN

Today Brian would have been 26. I hope your first year in heaven they go all out!

Happy Birthday hubby, I love you and miss you!

letting go

Wednesday I did what I set out to do on this trip... let go. I did so by driving up to the Smokey Mountains and climbing a mountain- well walking on a really steep trail (I may not have the arms of those beauty queens but man my butt is going to kick butt after that hike :) ). As I drove up there this was my view. Sidebar- Garmin and I had a small falling out when British Garmin took me um 1 hr out of my way Sunday ( I think it re-set itself in the mountains) and then when I hit the 'food button' it came up with 'the vitamin shoppe'- really now my garmin is telling me I need to get healthy- and then when I hit shopping it came up with ''Jodee's Post Mastectomy Fashion- what does that mean? UGH. So Garmin is now in the suitcase and will not be making an appearance for a while. Anyways, I knew the area I wanted to go...actually I just followed the highest mountain peak. I did pass by Dollywood, it was so hard not stop for a visit, NOT.

Once I got to the National Park area I pulled off at the this side area to take this picture. The town to the left is this neat touristy area called Gatlinburg. After this picture I got back in my car, drove past the visitor center, kept turning on side roads and decided to pull over. Cough, Cough Brian.... because I happened to stop at a very famous waterfall. I told my sister before I left I really wanted to climb a mountain, her response"by yourself, you are crazy." That made me really want to it then. So on a whim I pulled off found a trail and hiked. I thought to myself, what is the worse that could happen....I'm stuck in the mountains forever...oh well.*NO I'M NOT GOING OF THE DEEP END.

I learned once I started my hike that I perhaps was not as prepared as one should be. For instance,I should have brought some...um WATER, maybe a granola bar, better yet a back pack. Instead I had my new Aldo purse that I got from Christmas (Brian paid for it I picked it out:) ). I'm sure all professional hikers thought I was the biggest idiot. Before I left my car I did grab my rape stick....I got this (actually 2 of them )for Christmas from my mom and Brian's aunt. I thought I could use it to deter any bears- they hate green flashing lights right?

So I started my hike, the entire reason I wanted to hike today was it because it was the funeral of a good friend of ours we meet on our journey. He too did not prevail over cancer and all the emotions of Brian flooded back to me. CANCER REALLY DOES SUCK! As I walked I saw these fallen trees and in my mind it reminded of our friends who have all fallen due to cancer. Four friends we lost during our journey, four fallen trees. Each person was a vibrant tree of life with branches to many other lives.

On a joking note, this is for my dad, who since having kids has become completely scared of heights. When I saw this I died laughing and had to take a picture.

This must be that 'plunge to death' cliff they were referring to...very sharp edge and this is my zoom with my camera. I'm literally on the edge looking down....not a nice fall.

No we get to the reason I set out to be in nature today. To let go. As I hiked and hiked I came to this waterfall. There is a bridge that goes across it and divides it in two. There is the top half and a below is a picture of the below is a picture of the bottom half. The bottom half drops a huge cliff into a swiftly flowing river. I found a rock to sit on in the middle. I could feel the cool mist of the falls behind me but could see nothing but mountains and trees in front of me. As I sat the sun opened up and beat down directly on me. This was the first time since Brian passed I could really sit and pray to God. Tell God I was mad, tell him I was sad, ask for help. * I think the anger stage kicked in too because I had a pretty good yell as well. I sat for a while. I talked to Brian. I told Brian my fears, my loneliness, my uncertainties. I told him I loved him, I missed him, and I just wish I good feel him. I used to catch Brian talking to himself all the time and I would always ask, "who you talking to?'' He would say, "ahh thinking out loud" then we would laugh. So in the midst of tear filled eyes I laughed. In the midst of a smile I balled my eyes out. Sidebar- I now know why celebrities wear hats and big sunglasses...you can do anything in those things and no one knows. As a I cried my tears fell down the waterfall, off the cliff, and were swept away by the fierce current of the river. I was letting go, saying good-bye. I won't forget Brian, and there is nothing to say tomorrow wont be easy or I wont experience any more bad days. However, for the first time I felt free and that was Brian. I think people think I should be this huge, disaster- some days I may feel like it- but overall I'm not. Brian promised everything would be ok and I now it will be ok. Brian always kept his promises, sometimes not on my timeline, but he did. After every Dr.'s appointment we were told his cancer had spread, every time he told me it would be ok and he would get better. That is the only promise he didn't keep, was him getting better, however he kept it in a different way. Where he is, he is better. Ultimately, that is what I want is for him to be cancer free, I just hoped it was with me down here. So at that spot I said good-bye, I told him I loved him, I told him to watch over me, I told him to guide me.

This is the entire waterfall further up-I think I went off the trail, but I thought it was a trail so for about a hour I think I was roaming the Smokey's on my own...with my Aldo purse!



On my walk back down I ran into film crew from BBC. They were there to film the waterfall in HD/3D cameras. They needed help with the equipment- I offered- but that was way to heavy for me. So we talked. I asked if I could still get credit in the film...they said no :(. Also, on my walk down I found this rock with this heart painted on it. So I took a picture...I realize now it says 'b love' I should have done 'love b'. OH WELL. But at this rock I met a nice gentlemen from AL. I think we were both seeking mental therapy that day, but, we didn't get into specifics. As we hiked back down and said fair well I said GO HAWKS! He said ROLL TIDE!. During our chat we discussed how odd Alabama school names were...Auburn tigers but war eagle....Alabama Crimson Red but elephants and roll tide....WHAT?

As I sat and talked to Brian I stared at this tall mountain peak. I knew it was the closest I could humanly get to Brian. I know Brian heard me and listened, because that night our 'godson' got his first goal in hockey (something he has been working really hard at). THANKS B,GO LUKIE!!!! He is always there, he will guide us all.

Last night in Knoxville, so I went out with a bang, vegan carrot cake and vegan stir-fry. I know I'm CRAZY. I was so tired from hiking the day before.

First time for everything...

Well first day in Knoxville and I found myself nestled in a very cozy recliner with my soft blanket, remote, lap top, and a drink. IT WAS GLORIOUS. I slept in till 12 on Monday, you may think a waste of the day, but it was just what I needed. Sleep, no agenda, quite, I LIKIE! Tennessee was hammered with horrible storms including tornado's and flooding so the recliner was a perfect place to be.

These were the first of many bad clouds... I wasn't sure what county I was in to know if I had a tornado warning or not but I just assumed since the radar was ALL red I was in it.

there was a lot of rain and in a short amount of time so everything was closed due to flooding...you would think when you see 3 feet of water you would say hmm...I can't drive through that, but every news channel had footage for 20 min of cars stuck in water from trying to drive through. IOWA is so smart. So I decided to do this instead....I always thought having a Jacuzzi tub was a luxury, but wow, I think all homes should come with these things. I took a 4 hour bath...I finally got out when my cup was empty and my skin was worse then a prune. Everyone who owns one always says they never use it, well, that is a shame. You should take an hour out of your day once a month to sit it in, relax, and just think. I'm pretty sure you will come out a better person, I did. Today I ventured out to downtown Knoxville. I walked in old city and soaked up the neat culture. I then went over to the University of Tennessee to walk around and explore. I felt somewhat creepy taking pictures of myself on campus so I just got these from where I parked. I have a fear I'm already on some kind of list back home...so I really didn't want to be on another one in TN. Campus is HUGE and there is NO PARKING...FRUSTRATING so I took it upon myself to go grab a drink to cool off. After one drink I had this weird feeling in my stomach telling me to go see all the cool places in at UT. That was Brian. Brian loved to find cool new joints with new drinks. I would NEVER EVER do that. Walk around by myself, I'm too self conscious to do it. BUT I DID IT. It felt creepy but yet exciting. I even talked to a stranger. I'm learning how to talk to strangers (not weirdos), but learning how to be friendly, something Brian was always good at not me. While I was there I grabbed a new shirt for my College T-Shirt collection. CUTE...I found it in the little girl's section so I had to buy it so I would feel good about myself :).

After my journey...and a long stop at Panera to um hydrate with H20 I came home to have a Yuengling. It is from PA and something Brian and I had on our trip to DC a few years ago. He loved it and when I saw it here I said SWEET. A tribute to B! Oh and it is March 1 so 16 days to Brian and I's favorite holiday...ST. Patty's so a guiney also for him.

Today on my journey I stopped next to a river on campus and just sat and thought about life. The view was to good not to...and I couldn't find my car. I decided that for the first time in my life, I really could care less what other people thought about me. My entire life I have tried to portray this image and maintain that image. This image of perfection, having things figured out, strong, social, smart, whatever. Whoever people thought I needed to be is what I tried to be. There is a line from protecting your reputation and being yourself and I think I obey that but I feel that I do that too much. This is the first time in my life I could literally care less what people think of me. Heck I just picked up my life and hit the road. I pour my soul into this blog...not for others but for myself. To help myself heal not others heal. If someone gets something out of it awesome but there is no intention of painting a beautiful picture of me that is perfect. I have learned that from Brian. He never cared what others thought, he never let that perception dictate his life. I do. I don't want that anymore. I want to to dictate my life, not what others think I should do. Right now I'm living for me and only me.

When we were in Nashville we meet a new friend- at a sweet Irish Bar Brian would have loved. He was a newscaster from Louisville but originally from Philly. As I gave him my spiel on the Midwest and Iowa- I should be the spokes person for Iowa because I have a handful of people wanting to come visit Iowa- he said something to me I have never heard before. He said, "you are so intriguing", - yeah it was probably a line but I was now intrigued why he thought that. He told me- I can tell your thirst for life, you have this job you are passionate about, you drove to Nashville on a whim, you just smile, I can tell you have fun no matter what-. HAHA I thought to myself what the heck are talking about, I'm crazy, you clearly have not read my blog and know how crazy I am. Then I thought to myself, that is Brian. That is Brian's imprint on my life. I would have never done anything like what I'm doing before all this, I would have never sat at a bar and talked to a stranger (yet convince a stranger that Iowa (DSM) is a good place to live), I would never have a constant smile on my face (even through all this), I wouldn't have this inner peace without Brian. This is his work, his legacy. My sister told me the weekend before Brian died... Stacey you will find someone else and when you do, you will be to that person what Brian was to you. (I feel bad for that person, because I stink compared to him at having a sweet zest for life). But maybe she is right, what that stranger in Nashville said perhaps was right to. I'm not over Brian, I'm not trying to be but I'm trying to find the meaning (the tip of the iceberg of the meaning) of all this.

I told him I'm not that nice, I'm just from the Midwest and all people from the Midwest are like this. He didn't believe me that when I pump gas I always say 'Thank You' and 'have a good day'. He said if someone did that on the east coast to him he would look at them like they were 20 kinds of crazy. That is the Midwest...that is why it is the best. I didn't tell our new friend why I was really in Nashville and what my life has brought me recently, so he will never know he made my blog....

This is what I get to wake up to every morning this week. I really don't want to leave. I LOVE IT. It is seriously the most peaceful place I have been to. Just quite, great views, and peaceful.