First time for everything...

Well first day in Knoxville and I found myself nestled in a very cozy recliner with my soft blanket, remote, lap top, and a drink. IT WAS GLORIOUS. I slept in till 12 on Monday, you may think a waste of the day, but it was just what I needed. Sleep, no agenda, quite, I LIKIE! Tennessee was hammered with horrible storms including tornado's and flooding so the recliner was a perfect place to be.

These were the first of many bad clouds... I wasn't sure what county I was in to know if I had a tornado warning or not but I just assumed since the radar was ALL red I was in it.

there was a lot of rain and in a short amount of time so everything was closed due to flooding...you would think when you see 3 feet of water you would say hmm...I can't drive through that, but every news channel had footage for 20 min of cars stuck in water from trying to drive through. IOWA is so smart. So I decided to do this instead....I always thought having a Jacuzzi tub was a luxury, but wow, I think all homes should come with these things. I took a 4 hour bath...I finally got out when my cup was empty and my skin was worse then a prune. Everyone who owns one always says they never use it, well, that is a shame. You should take an hour out of your day once a month to sit it in, relax, and just think. I'm pretty sure you will come out a better person, I did. Today I ventured out to downtown Knoxville. I walked in old city and soaked up the neat culture. I then went over to the University of Tennessee to walk around and explore. I felt somewhat creepy taking pictures of myself on campus so I just got these from where I parked. I have a fear I'm already on some kind of list back home...so I really didn't want to be on another one in TN. Campus is HUGE and there is NO PARKING...FRUSTRATING so I took it upon myself to go grab a drink to cool off. After one drink I had this weird feeling in my stomach telling me to go see all the cool places in at UT. That was Brian. Brian loved to find cool new joints with new drinks. I would NEVER EVER do that. Walk around by myself, I'm too self conscious to do it. BUT I DID IT. It felt creepy but yet exciting. I even talked to a stranger. I'm learning how to talk to strangers (not weirdos), but learning how to be friendly, something Brian was always good at not me. While I was there I grabbed a new shirt for my College T-Shirt collection. CUTE...I found it in the little girl's section so I had to buy it so I would feel good about myself :).

After my journey...and a long stop at Panera to um hydrate with H20 I came home to have a Yuengling. It is from PA and something Brian and I had on our trip to DC a few years ago. He loved it and when I saw it here I said SWEET. A tribute to B! Oh and it is March 1 so 16 days to Brian and I's favorite holiday...ST. Patty's so a guiney also for him.

Today on my journey I stopped next to a river on campus and just sat and thought about life. The view was to good not to...and I couldn't find my car. I decided that for the first time in my life, I really could care less what other people thought about me. My entire life I have tried to portray this image and maintain that image. This image of perfection, having things figured out, strong, social, smart, whatever. Whoever people thought I needed to be is what I tried to be. There is a line from protecting your reputation and being yourself and I think I obey that but I feel that I do that too much. This is the first time in my life I could literally care less what people think of me. Heck I just picked up my life and hit the road. I pour my soul into this blog...not for others but for myself. To help myself heal not others heal. If someone gets something out of it awesome but there is no intention of painting a beautiful picture of me that is perfect. I have learned that from Brian. He never cared what others thought, he never let that perception dictate his life. I do. I don't want that anymore. I want to to dictate my life, not what others think I should do. Right now I'm living for me and only me.

When we were in Nashville we meet a new friend- at a sweet Irish Bar Brian would have loved. He was a newscaster from Louisville but originally from Philly. As I gave him my spiel on the Midwest and Iowa- I should be the spokes person for Iowa because I have a handful of people wanting to come visit Iowa- he said something to me I have never heard before. He said, "you are so intriguing", - yeah it was probably a line but I was now intrigued why he thought that. He told me- I can tell your thirst for life, you have this job you are passionate about, you drove to Nashville on a whim, you just smile, I can tell you have fun no matter what-. HAHA I thought to myself what the heck are talking about, I'm crazy, you clearly have not read my blog and know how crazy I am. Then I thought to myself, that is Brian. That is Brian's imprint on my life. I would have never done anything like what I'm doing before all this, I would have never sat at a bar and talked to a stranger (yet convince a stranger that Iowa (DSM) is a good place to live), I would never have a constant smile on my face (even through all this), I wouldn't have this inner peace without Brian. This is his work, his legacy. My sister told me the weekend before Brian died... Stacey you will find someone else and when you do, you will be to that person what Brian was to you. (I feel bad for that person, because I stink compared to him at having a sweet zest for life). But maybe she is right, what that stranger in Nashville said perhaps was right to. I'm not over Brian, I'm not trying to be but I'm trying to find the meaning (the tip of the iceberg of the meaning) of all this.

I told him I'm not that nice, I'm just from the Midwest and all people from the Midwest are like this. He didn't believe me that when I pump gas I always say 'Thank You' and 'have a good day'. He said if someone did that on the east coast to him he would look at them like they were 20 kinds of crazy. That is the Midwest...that is why it is the best. I didn't tell our new friend why I was really in Nashville and what my life has brought me recently, so he will never know he made my blog....

This is what I get to wake up to every morning this week. I really don't want to leave. I LOVE IT. It is seriously the most peaceful place I have been to. Just quite, great views, and peaceful.