letting go

Wednesday I did what I set out to do on this trip... let go. I did so by driving up to the Smokey Mountains and climbing a mountain- well walking on a really steep trail (I may not have the arms of those beauty queens but man my butt is going to kick butt after that hike :) ). As I drove up there this was my view. Sidebar- Garmin and I had a small falling out when British Garmin took me um 1 hr out of my way Sunday ( I think it re-set itself in the mountains) and then when I hit the 'food button' it came up with 'the vitamin shoppe'- really now my garmin is telling me I need to get healthy- and then when I hit shopping it came up with ''Jodee's Post Mastectomy Fashion- what does that mean? UGH. So Garmin is now in the suitcase and will not be making an appearance for a while. Anyways, I knew the area I wanted to go...actually I just followed the highest mountain peak. I did pass by Dollywood, it was so hard not stop for a visit, NOT.

Once I got to the National Park area I pulled off at the this side area to take this picture. The town to the left is this neat touristy area called Gatlinburg. After this picture I got back in my car, drove past the visitor center, kept turning on side roads and decided to pull over. Cough, Cough Brian.... because I happened to stop at a very famous waterfall. I told my sister before I left I really wanted to climb a mountain, her response"by yourself, you are crazy." That made me really want to it then. So on a whim I pulled off found a trail and hiked. I thought to myself, what is the worse that could happen....I'm stuck in the mountains forever...oh well.*NO I'M NOT GOING OF THE DEEP END.

I learned once I started my hike that I perhaps was not as prepared as one should be. For instance,I should have brought some...um WATER, maybe a granola bar, better yet a back pack. Instead I had my new Aldo purse that I got from Christmas (Brian paid for it I picked it out:) ). I'm sure all professional hikers thought I was the biggest idiot. Before I left my car I did grab my rape stick....I got this (actually 2 of them )for Christmas from my mom and Brian's aunt. I thought I could use it to deter any bears- they hate green flashing lights right?

So I started my hike, the entire reason I wanted to hike today was it because it was the funeral of a good friend of ours we meet on our journey. He too did not prevail over cancer and all the emotions of Brian flooded back to me. CANCER REALLY DOES SUCK! As I walked I saw these fallen trees and in my mind it reminded of our friends who have all fallen due to cancer. Four friends we lost during our journey, four fallen trees. Each person was a vibrant tree of life with branches to many other lives.

On a joking note, this is for my dad, who since having kids has become completely scared of heights. When I saw this I died laughing and had to take a picture.

This must be that 'plunge to death' cliff they were referring to...very sharp edge and this is my zoom with my camera. I'm literally on the edge looking down....not a nice fall.

No we get to the reason I set out to be in nature today. To let go. As I hiked and hiked I came to this waterfall. There is a bridge that goes across it and divides it in two. There is the top half and a below is a picture of the below is a picture of the bottom half. The bottom half drops a huge cliff into a swiftly flowing river. I found a rock to sit on in the middle. I could feel the cool mist of the falls behind me but could see nothing but mountains and trees in front of me. As I sat the sun opened up and beat down directly on me. This was the first time since Brian passed I could really sit and pray to God. Tell God I was mad, tell him I was sad, ask for help. * I think the anger stage kicked in too because I had a pretty good yell as well. I sat for a while. I talked to Brian. I told Brian my fears, my loneliness, my uncertainties. I told him I loved him, I missed him, and I just wish I good feel him. I used to catch Brian talking to himself all the time and I would always ask, "who you talking to?'' He would say, "ahh thinking out loud" then we would laugh. So in the midst of tear filled eyes I laughed. In the midst of a smile I balled my eyes out. Sidebar- I now know why celebrities wear hats and big sunglasses...you can do anything in those things and no one knows. As a I cried my tears fell down the waterfall, off the cliff, and were swept away by the fierce current of the river. I was letting go, saying good-bye. I won't forget Brian, and there is nothing to say tomorrow wont be easy or I wont experience any more bad days. However, for the first time I felt free and that was Brian. I think people think I should be this huge, disaster- some days I may feel like it- but overall I'm not. Brian promised everything would be ok and I now it will be ok. Brian always kept his promises, sometimes not on my timeline, but he did. After every Dr.'s appointment we were told his cancer had spread, every time he told me it would be ok and he would get better. That is the only promise he didn't keep, was him getting better, however he kept it in a different way. Where he is, he is better. Ultimately, that is what I want is for him to be cancer free, I just hoped it was with me down here. So at that spot I said good-bye, I told him I loved him, I told him to watch over me, I told him to guide me.

This is the entire waterfall further up-I think I went off the trail, but I thought it was a trail so for about a hour I think I was roaming the Smokey's on my own...with my Aldo purse!



On my walk back down I ran into film crew from BBC. They were there to film the waterfall in HD/3D cameras. They needed help with the equipment- I offered- but that was way to heavy for me. So we talked. I asked if I could still get credit in the film...they said no :(. Also, on my walk down I found this rock with this heart painted on it. So I took a picture...I realize now it says 'b love' I should have done 'love b'. OH WELL. But at this rock I met a nice gentlemen from AL. I think we were both seeking mental therapy that day, but, we didn't get into specifics. As we hiked back down and said fair well I said GO HAWKS! He said ROLL TIDE!. During our chat we discussed how odd Alabama school names were...Auburn tigers but war eagle....Alabama Crimson Red but elephants and roll tide....WHAT?

As I sat and talked to Brian I stared at this tall mountain peak. I knew it was the closest I could humanly get to Brian. I know Brian heard me and listened, because that night our 'godson' got his first goal in hockey (something he has been working really hard at). THANKS B,GO LUKIE!!!! He is always there, he will guide us all.

Last night in Knoxville, so I went out with a bang, vegan carrot cake and vegan stir-fry. I know I'm CRAZY. I was so tired from hiking the day before.