slowly but surely...

Slowly I'm getting back into the routine, very slowly. Actually, it hasn't been as bad as what it could be.  Although, turning my brain on and thinking has been a challenge.  I literally disconnected myself and shut off all parts that had anything to do with medicine.  I even avoided my favorite medical show...not Grey's.  I wasn't sure how being back in hospital would be, but luckily I'm at the other hospital in town and don't have to return to the same one Brian was at. 

One floor I work on it is connected to the oncology floor and the first time I saw the words "oncology'' my stomach dropped about 5 feet.  I turned to look down the hall and I saw a family walking towards the elevator crying.  I know what they are going through, I know the thoughts in their head, I know what the tears feel like, what they mean, I know the chills you get when you walk down the oncology floor. I just know what they feel.  It is not the best feeling in the world.  My heart goes out to people in that position.  One day I hope to help people in that position, but it hasn't even been two months yet and I can't do it right now.  I thought acute care would be hard.... I basically see people in a position Brian was in the past two weeks of his life.  I thought that would be hard to see, but so far I have stomached it.  I think it because I know if I'm in that room there is hope for that patient and we are trying to get them better, medically there is something that can be done, I can do something.  I can control something in their care, something I couldn't do with Brian. 

The past two days have been super busy.  It is good to be busy, it helps me to keep my mind from wandering.  If I'm not at work then I'm with my adoptive family.  They have pretty much taken me under their wings like old times, before Brian.  In high school I spent every weekend with them and I have luckily spent the past 3 weeks with them.  I have been able to hang out with my two kiddos the past two days which is nice.  They always put a smile on my face and that is exactly what I need, they fill the void and emptiness with love and laughter. Tonight (after surviving tornado's) we went to the Des Moines Buccaneers VS Cedar Rapids Rough Riders hockey game. FUN!  CR won in sudden death shoot out.  It was sweet.  I had a bite of my left over Reese Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory to celebrate! It was the perfect celebration.