rain,rain,rain

Well I had high hopes for today.  Today I was going to work out, however, by the time I got off the couch (30 hours of catching up on The Dan Patrick Show) I heard some rain drops.   So I decided to shower first- yep makes total sense-shower prior to workout. However, after my shower there were more raindrops so I did what any normal person would do. I put on a new pair of sweat pants, filled up my glass of milk, and ate a sleeve of Thin Mint Cookies. What, you don't do that? 

I have really been avoiding working out...two years ago I got serious about my health and completely changed my eating and exercise habits...which meant Brian changed his as well, not by choice- but happy wife happy life.  Everyday we would go on walks.  By walks I mean sometimes 4 hour walks.  I loved our walks. For any married person or anyone in a relationship I recommend walks.  We went on walks the first summer we dated as a study break and again during my first year of  grad school.  Literally, there is nothing to do on walks but talk, unless you enjoy awkward silence, which I don't.  We talked about so much.  Our walks are how we really got to know each other, on a deeper level. You really find out about the day your spouse had- instead of just the normal "how was your day?"  "Oh fine." - you find out what there life goals are, how they plan to meet them, you literally find out everything.  Brian and I even picked out the names for our two kids...that we never got the chance to have. 

Marley Anne and Hayden Lane- obviously after Bob Marley and Anne is my middle name,  Hayden for the GREAT Hayden Fry (All Iowans have something named after him and we thought he might get made fun of for HERKY) and Lane for Brian's middle name.  One boy, one girl that was our dream (I wanted two boys but after all marriage is about compromise- YEP like we had big say in the sex of our pretend non-existent children).  **Pretend, non-existent children is the name Brian gave our non-existent children because I would always relate stuff to our kids.  For instance, "stop watching gang land, I don't want our kids exposed to that garbage"- then Brian would look around as if he were looking for kids and I would laugh and he would say 'sorry I was looking for our pretend, non-existent children.'  It was a regular occurrence.

Some of the serious conversations Brian and I had to have were about me moving on.  Me having to move forward and finding someone else. Brian's only wish was that whoever I met was a Christian and strong in their faith.  I started to ask Brian a question and before I could say, "Brian I need to tell you this," he said,"No, you cannot, it will not be fair and it is not fair."  TEARS upon TEARS came out.  That is how close Brian and I were, he knew what I thought, I knew what he thought.  He knew I was going to ask about using his frozen secrete ingredient (PG!).  When this all started we planned ahead and purchased a frozen condo and made a few deposits of our future kiddos in case he became infertile. He told me no, I said fine when I turn 30 if I have nothing I'm doing it.  He gave me a look, but did not disagree, happy wife happy last few days of your life!  I will have to pay- I guess you can call it- Home Owners Association fees at the end of the month. 

When Brian passed I could here murmur's of whispers from people saying, "thank goodness they didn't have kids."  Man do I wish we did.  I think life would be a lot different if we did.  Yep it would be hard for our kid(s), but I know they would have Brian's resiliency to negativity and would find a way to shine.  For me, it would be much easier.  Pictures and memories are nothing compared to a little face that you can look at and see the best thing that ever happened to you.  I could look at our kids and see Brian, I would have a piece of Brian next to me everyday.  When I come home, I could come home to someone, someone with a special glimmer of Brian.  I could see Brian's freckles, hear  his chuckle, perhaps someone to tell me jokes, have someone to point out the positives,  have someone to hold onto during bad days, I would have something of Brian.  Yep it would be hard, but there is no part of this that is easy no matter if it is me or me with kids, nothing. 

Anyways, I was avoiding going to the gym- so I didn't see people I knew and would have to be asked how I was doing?- I was avoiding walking outside because that is what Brian and I did. However, I have to do something and after a sleeve of Thin Mint cookies and taking a 3 month break on eating healthy and exercising I feel like crap.  Tomorrow it is supposed to snow...I will try for Thursday...in the mean time I just wont eat.  HAHA gotcha y'all keeping track of my eating habits!  Today I cooked a real meal, something I haven't done in months. Breakfast burritos with 3 kinds of bell peppers, onions, wheat (7g fiber) tortillas, fat free cheese. I think that is a start, so we will go from there. 

By the way today was exactly 4 weeks from Brian's passing.  It doesn't seem that it was that long ago but yet seems like it was.  A sleeve of Thin Mints was called for.